My song...don't judge me.

Torn-Up Sleeves

[Verse 1]

She says that she’s

Just one of the guys

And gripes about

Her plain brown eyes

She says she

Is just too insecure

But I know that

All I want is her

[Chorus]

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

[Verse 2]

She says that she

Feels too much

That she always

Gets too worked up

She says she always falls for the guy

Who will never return the love

But I wish she knew that

I want to be enough

[Chorus]

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

[Bridge]

Never have I met

Someone as beautiful as she is

And it kills me

When she doesn’t she her riches

Insecure she may be

But that doesn’t matter to me

All I know is that

[Chorus modified]

She wears her ripped up heart

On unprotecting sleeves

She doesn’t know it

But she’s so much more than what she sees

And I know how beautiful she is

But she doesn’t care

What I think when I look at her

Because all she cares about

Is what she sees in the mirror

[Chorus]

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Um yes. There you have it. 

Pre-prom. And other randomness.

Today is March 30th, 2011. My prom is ridiculously early this year...April 9th. Nuts. So that means that I should have all my plans together by now. I should have my nail appointment, I should have my hair appointment, I should have my dress hemmed, and I should have all my jewelry ready. I should also know where we're taking pictures, who is in my group, what we're doing after prom, and when I should order my date's boutonniere.

However, I'm just getting my dressed measured today to be hemmed. I don't have a nail appointment. I sort of have a hair appointment. I don't have earrings yet. I think I know where we're taking pictures, but I'm not sure. I don't personally know everyone in my group. I don't know what the official plans are for after prom (someone said something about whirly ball?). And I don't know when I should order my boutonniere.

This is my first (and probably last) time at prom and it's overwhelming the heck out of me.

I know what I get everything situated the day of, it'll be great. I'm excited to see if I won the senior class award (even though I probably didn't). I'm ready to dance like the white girl that I am. I'm ready to make memories and to laugh.

But all this prep work? Not a fan.

I'll keep you posted.

Randomness:

So, I'm going to be super honest with you and say that I really don't like poetry. As my friend Ben pointed out, I've never really had a good teacher to show me how to read and interpret it, so I don't have an appreciation for it. Which is true, yes. But that still doesn't change the fact that I don't like it and probably never really will. My poetry liking it limited to, like, haikus.

But I had this overwhelming compulsion to write the chorus for this song that kind of just popped into my head and it was one of those things that just wouldn't leave until I wrote it down. So here it is.

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

It doesn't have a name yet...I don't want it to be all angst and stuff like "Constant State of Heartbreak". That's just too much. Maybe "Torn-Up Sleeves"? I don't know. We'll see. So I guess I'll keep you posted on that one too. 

Yep.  

Parachute

Mark the date, everyone. It is extremely important in my life. February 13th, 2011. Get it. Got it? Good.

I would just like you to know that I held hands with a semi-celebrity. We waffled.

So I went to this concert with two of my best friends, Holly and Paige. The band we went to see is called Parachute and they're awesome. They have great music, are goofy, and get involved in the crowd. They throw out a lot of guitar picks and "Hey Dallas!"s and dance around and be the typical concert band.

Well we were all just having a jolly ole time, jamming to some of their older stuff and hearing some songs that are going to come out on the new album (The Way It Was, coming out on April 12th). Then, they started their last song of the night: "Ghost". It's easily my favorite song of theirs. I don't know why I love it so much, but I just do.

Anyway, I'm standing there singing my heart out to this song with my eyes closed because I'm really into it. But when I open my eyes, Will, the lead singer, isn't on stage. His voice is still coming out of the speakers, but he definitely isn't on stage anymore. I was probably dead center in the crowd on all sides and when I looked to my left, I saw a bunch of screaming girls and the top of Will's head. He was making his way through the crowd. And literally headed straight to me.

Because I was at a concert, I lifted my hand (the right one) up once he got close, figuring I might as well try to at least reach to him. What I didn't expect, however, if for him to do the same thing to me.

Yes, I held hands with the lead singer of one of my favorite bands for about five seconds.

Five blissful, magical, amazing seconds.

The Plain White T's had NOTHING on Parachute after that encounter.

That goes into the list of most awesome moments of my life. Within the top ten. 

Cows, popcorn, and senioritis.

So, I've been literally staring at this government project since about 4:15 this afternoon. It's due on Wednesday and I've had absolutely no motivation to do it whatsoever. It's just kind of been one of those days. While the project has been sitting on my desk, I have...

1. Tried on my prom dress with shoes

2. Creeped all up and down Facebook

3. Changed my information and privacy settings on Facebook

4. Played that addicting snake game

5. Downloaded an app on my iTouch (which is kind of lame)

6. Looked on twitter for about an hour and got rid of people who tweeted too much

7. Played another game on my iTouch

All-in-all, I very unproductive afternoon as far as school work goes.

Now, I'm at my desk, thinking about how I really want some popcorn and how thirsty I am. In the meantime, there are cows near my house that keep mooing and I have yet to actually see one.

And I'm really tired because I stayed up until two in the morning because I wasn't tired then. So I cleaned my room instead of curling up in my bed. I still can't decide if that was a good idea or not.

To make matters more exhausting, it's been cloudy and rainy all day. All I've wanted to do is sleep, but I've had to do homework. But, with the amount I've done today, I might as well have slept.

Blogging right now is just another procrastination tool, seeing as I've exhausted twitter, Facebook, and my email. Now I'm going to try to get at least a small part of this project done. "Try" being the operating word in that sentence.

Well bye.

100!!!!!!

So, this is my hundredth post since April of 2010. Almost a year ago, I started this thing that I thought was going to be a nutty misadventure. I mean, I'd already attempted a blog before and it failed epically. But I've been pretty good about posting on this thing, so this post will be all about 100. It will literally just be 100 things that have happened to me, about me, or thoughts by me. And they will be happy. I promise. Here we go.

1. I'm moved by my own writing--something about that is weird.

2. Movies and books can create bonds, but music is the universal thing that bond all people.

3. Ben Rector is the best semi-undiscovered artist out there.

4. Senior year really is as great as people say.

5. Government classes are more interesting than economics classes.

6. The Apple company is taking over the world.

7. I put songs on repeat constantly.

8. I have a tendency to be obsessive.

9. Somehow, I always feel intensely unprepared for essays and end up doing well.

10. Snakes are terrifying.

11. Sometimes I prefer the mountains and sometimes I prefer the beach.

12. The color green is prettier than blue any day.

13. Red Velvet Cupcake flavored hand sanitizer is amazingly delicious smelling.

14. My wrist always pops when I straighten my hair.

15. I'm only on 15 and am having issues thinking of more stuff. 85 more to go...

16. One of the leaders of my church likes his cherry limeade from Sonic with easy ice.

17. Mexican food is the best kind of food.

18. Wendy's new french fries are definitely an improvement.

19. I will never fake bake. Say no to cancer!

20. As pertaining to the above thought: sunscreen is your friend.

21. Walks down memory lane are fun. Most of the time.

22. I have a secret pyromaniac hidden inside of me. Shhhhh!

23. I'm not a closet nerd. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm a front stage nerd.

24. 2nd place is not the first loser--you still get a medal in the Olympics!

25. My room is pink but I wish it were brown.

26. A&M is not a school you would probably pick to go to if you wanted to study English. However, that's exactly what I'm doing.

27. Baseball>football. Sorry, Cowboys; the Rangers have my heart.

28. Jerry Jones, you built a spaceship in Arlington. It's ugly.

29. Also, Jerry Jones? You're not from Texas. You're from Arkansas. So stop putting on that awful accent and pretending that you are the essence of Texas.

30. I despise LSU. And Arkansas. And pretty much everyone else in the SEC.

31. Mac>PC

32. If your town doesn't have a Dairy Queen within 20 miles, you shouldn't be on a map in Texas. Though founded in Illinois, DQ is a Texas staple.

33. Small towns fascinate me. I want to live in one (small town=less than 10,000 people)

34. I really want a t-shirt from Henrietta, Texas that says "Henrietta Football" or something on it. That's where my grandmother is from and I'm kind of obsessed with it. And my grandmother still has family that lives there and I might get it. SCORE.

35. My favorite band of all-time is Switchfoot.

36. Nutella and pretzels together are delightful.

37. Getting mail is fun.

38. Middle school students are hilarious.

39. I LOVE DISNEY MOVIES.

40. Harry Potter is the best thing to happen to the world. Besides Jesus and bread.

41. Africa is a truly amazing place.

42. Go read a book. They're wonderful.

43. T-shirts and shorts are the only things I would wear for the rest of my life if I could.

44. God is big. Very, very big.

45. The address of my elementary school is 1100. I used to think that was the biggest number in the world.

46. Camelbak water bottles are absolutely amazing.

47. Pine Cove Christian Camp will change your life.

48. Sometimes, I just creep around on Facebook and plug people's names into babynames.com and see what names mean.

49. I need a real job.

50. My high school graduation is only 50 school days away.

51. Apparently, I am officially missing an organ. Thank you, hypothyroidism.

52. Watching football and playing football are far more different than you would think.

53. I now really like non-fiction.

54. Procrastination is always a bad idea.

55. I have 11 immediate cousins.

56. Vlogs (video blogs) are seriously awesome.

57. Prom is kind of stressing me out right now.

58. Are you getting bored yet?

59. Guacamole has replaced queso for my favorite sort of dip.

60. Join a church. Your life will be changed.

61. 90s music is ah-mazing. Backstreet Boys :)

62. Whenparentstext.com is the funniest website ever.

63. Fan-fiction is SUPER janky.

64. TVs go out if the electricity goes out. You don't have that problem with books.

65. Twitter is intriguing.

66. My mission trip balance is $666...that's some twisted irony for you.

67. Pens are way better than pencils.

68. I have a tendency to not be informed.

69. Awkward.

70. Lately, I've been having some super weird dreams.

71. There's a 3 inch space between my bed and my nightstand and I'm always afraid that someone is going to grab my wrist when I reach over to get something off my nightstand.

72. I slept with the closet light on until I was 13.

73. The stuffed bear I got when I was born was significantly bigger than me at the time.

74. The only person on the Rangers I don't like is Derek Holland because he threw 11 balls in the World Series. What a derp.

75. "Partyin', partyin', YEAH, partyin', partyin', YEAH. Fun, fun, fun, fun." Did I just get that song stuck in your head? Good.

76. I am incapable of successfully curling my hair.

77. I'm wearing a Josh Hamilton shirt right now.

78. Black fingernail polish is edgy.

79. One of John Mayer's best songs is "Gravity".

80. Froyo and ice cream are pretty much the same thing.

81. I have a very difficult time making decisions.

82. Movies and books blow my mind often.

83. I've never been in love, but I've sort of had my heart broken.

84. I just wrote something, and then looked up to see that I'd already written it as a number. 100 is a lot bigger than you think it is.

85. Hamburgers are delicious.

86. My favorite lunch: a hot ham-and-cheese sandwich on white bread with potato chips and a ice cold Coke.

87. I love hats. All kinds of hats.

88. Craftiness is not my thing.

89. Fear not, for God is with you wherever you go.

90. There's nothing better than Sonic happy hour (large soda=$1.08)

91. This is a picture-taking society.

92. It's taken me 3 days to write this post.

93. My camera goes with me everywhere.

94. "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145:8

95. Writing a book isn't just something you do on a whim--it's about a million times harder than you probably believe it to be.

96. I will cry when the last Harry Potter movie comes out.

97. I love weddings. They're just so awesome.

98. Rainy days are my favorite kind of days. I always look outside to see if it's cloudy and am sad if it's not.

99. One day, I will have gone to every state in the US.

100. On the 100th day of school in kindergarten, I brought 100 Barbie shoes to show and tell.

And there you have it. 100 things.

Rant re Alex Rider.

Let's just make two things known right now: 1. I'm a bookworm like you've never met and 2. I get attached to characters very, very easily.

When characters' in book series lives are threatened, or they leave, or something generally bad happens to them, it's like it's happening to me. I feel it deep in my stomach. I will literally get stomachaches and I will sweat and my breathing will get shallower. I get into books like normal people get into movies. For me, I like to visualize it myself. My mind's eye is pretty awesome--I can picture something with near perfect clarity and that mental image will carry me through the rest of the book (or series). When I've got it, I got it. Same deal with characters. When I've connected with a character in some way, shape, or form, I feel a weird bond with that character. I'm passionate about the "good guys" succeeding and I'm passionate about my loathing for the "bad guys". There are certain book characters that I flinch when I hear or read their name (Bellatrix Lastrange of Harry Potter, for example).

And when books end, especially book series, I go through a weird mourning period. It almost feels like I've lost friends when the final page is turned and there are no more surprises for me. I feel nostalgic.

Yes, I realize how ridiculous this all is. But what you need to realize is that this is what makes me a good writer. This weird, intense love for characters and stories is what makes me who I am as a person as well as a writer. I'm empathetic by nature and that has proved, overall, to be a good thing when it comes to reading and writing. Of course, that has also subjected me to lots of tears over people who do not exist, but whatever. We can move past that.

Anthony Horowitz, renowned British author/play write/screen writer, just finished his blockbuster series The Alex Rider series. Yes, Alex Rider is a fourteen/fifteen year old spy. But not in the "oh-man-I'm-so-awesome-and-love-being-a-spy" kind of way. Quite the opposite, really. It's an intriguing twist on the story we've all heard over and over. There is lots of angst (which I love), tons of details, and very well written. Yeah, they're intensely predictable (Alex doesn't want to go on the mission, goes anyway, learns vital information, is compromised, hears the whole plan from the evil mastermind, almost dies some horrible death, escapes with some crazy but weirdly logical plan, MI6 destroys the threat, Alex is injured in some way, he goes home and vows to never do it again). This happens eight times. He has a care-taker/nanny Jack (an American woman in her late 20s) is always by his side.

*spoiler alert*

In the last book, Scorpia Rising, which was slightly less predictable and had some fantastic twists in it, Jack goes with Alex on a mission. Through a crazy trail of events and one sickeningly cruel plan, Jack, Alex's best friend who knows everything about him, is killed. Sorry to ruin it for you if you were going to read it. The circumstances and the plan easily wins the evil award. It rose above and beyond the call of badness, so much so that "cruel" might even be too light of a word for it. Unfortunately, I knew it was coming. I called it. That's part of the gift/curse of reading so much: I pick up on things that are going to happen. I picked up on Jack's death. I didn't cry--amazingly--but it was just one of those moments where I hung my head and tried to take deep breaths. I wouldn't have had it any other way because it was so masterfully done, but it still hurt.

I'm a nerd. Okay? I'm a nerd.

The conclusion came by Alex going to America to live with family friends and that was the end of the great Alex Rider series.

It's over. I've been following this series since probably eighth grade. That's five years. And now it's just done. Horowitz went out with a bang and the book was great. But it's still sad, you know?

Okay, okay. I'll stop being so emo. I realize I've been like that a lot lately and I apologize. I'll write some happy pieces in the upcoming days, I promise.

And now this blog post is like the Alex Rider series: done.

"Most likely to succeed": A pessimistic perspective

Yes, it's true. I saw the ballot today. I am officially a nominee for the senior class's most likely to succeed. But all day today, I've been feeling annoying pessimistic and thinking of all these negative things that I could potentially be successful at. But first, a brief summary of where some of the thoughts came from...

Today, I realized that I don't like romance novels (it can have romance, but it can't be the central focus), romance movies (unless their comedies), sweet talking (in a romantic setting), or the guy being intensely romantic in any way, shape, or form. I deduced that something is very wrong with me and that I will never fall in love based on these facts. But then I considered that I love it when a guy takes time out to talk to me, even if I don't "like" him. It makes my day when someone tells me I look cute. I want to fall in love and be loved and doted on and taken care of. So does the first part of this match the second? Not really. But somehow all of this is combined into one very confused person: moi.

Now you have some understanding of my angst. I know that a lot of the statements in the following list are intense exaggerations and are not true, but this is me at my very worst pessimism and just being exceedingly negative. And only a few have to do with my love life.

The following statements will all begin with the phrase "Most likely to succeed at..."

Never having anyone fall in love with me

Never falling in love with anyone

Never having someone tell me I'm absolutely beautiful

Never slow dance with someone in the back of a pick-up truck to Tim McGraw

Tripping at graduation

Breaking a bone because I tripped

Breaking a bone because I tripped at graduation

Getting lost. Anywhere.

Having a zit when I'm 40 years old

Being an old maid

Never having a book on the market

Having a book on the market but it never get off the shelf

Being the crazy old writer woman with pet fish because I don't like hair all over the place so I couldn't have a dog and I don't like cats

Making a strange noise at least ten times a day

Forgetting I have skype open

Getting freaked out by nothing

Cowering in the corner during a scary movie

Gaining the freshman 15. And the sophomore 15. And the junior 15. And the senior 15. For a combined total of the college 60.

Losing the "most likely to succeed" award.

I promise, CHS, I want that award--don't get me wrong. But this is just me being...insecure. And I don't know how else to express myself besides writing. I'm inherently insecure. It's a disease that has had temporary remedies for me. But, as the name suggests, they never last. I always slip back into not feeling like I'm a beautiful child of the Lord. Trust me, it's not fun.

Please don't think that I'm mocking the award or anything ridiculous. Like I said, I have those moments where I beat myself down. Just like everyone else does. I want to win the award more than I'd be willing to admit. But being put against two other girls who are going to be amazingly successful is nerve-wracking and brings the worst of me to my attention.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." --Isaiah 41:10

"Oh no, You never let go; through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go. Lord, you never let go of me." --Never Let Go (Matt Redman)

"The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace." --Forever Reign (Shane and Shane)

Day 30: A picture of myself this day and 5 good things since starting the challenge

Wow, I can't believe the challenge is over. Took me long enough. Sorry for the long lags between posts--life kind of got a little nutty. Anyway, here's a picture and 5 good things that have happened to me since January 20th (in no particular order). Which was 2 months ago. Nice.

1. I got a prom date.

2. My church officially has a new youth minister now. Finally.

3. I went to the Parachute/Plain White T's concert with two of my best friends.

4. Spring break happened.

5. I wrote at least 25 pages of my novel.

So maybe they aren't ground breaking events, but they rocked my world in a very good way.

March 20th, 2011

Day 28: 3 wishes

Well, we'll just jump right into this. And don't worry--I won't say the ever cliche "more wishes!" wish. Because that's just cheating the system.

1. To have a novel published.

2. To be able to teleport (how amazing would that be?)

3. For A&M to have an undefeated football team for the next four years. You know, while I'm there.

Thanks, and gig 'em.

Day 27: Something that stresses me out

Inability to finish something.

Right now, I'm dealing with a crisis of human error. My teacher posted this project online that I have to do. Basically, I'm supposed to modify this document to fit my needs but keep the formatting. The problem is that I can't modify it because she saved it as a picture that won't let me edit.

So potentially getting a zero on this project is stressing me out. If you know how to solve this problem, let me know.

In other news, being overwhelmed by work stresses me out. And right now, I'm stressed. Gotta love high school.

Pleasantly stunned.

Fun fact: I go to your cliche Texas high school. We love football, have pep rallies, have a massive student body, and, with this, comes your fair share of hierarchies. It's not necessarily the cheerleaders and the football players, but they are definitely in the upper tiers. But it's that group who just gets everything, you know? Because my high school is so big, it isn't just a few people...there's a group of about 30 guys and girls who sort of get everything. It's a weird system.

A few weeks ago, the senior class voted for superlatives. You know what I'm talking about, the "most likely to be famous" or "most athletic" or "class favorite". A guy and girl will be picked for each category and the winners will be announced at prom. The categories are... (I think)

Class favorite

Most likely to succeed

Most athletic

Most likely to appear on a magazine

Most involved

Most spirited

Most unusual

Prom king/queen

I'm pretty sure that's it.

Anyway, it was kind of a given that most of the awards handed out at prom for these superlatives would come from that core group of thirty. Pretty much no one outside of that circle will even be put on the ballot. These were just the nominations--the preliminaries, if you will.

Jokingly, I told a bunch of my friends to vote for me for the "most likely to succeed". I probably had about twenty votes. Yeah, I have a good reason (my novel project!) but I knew that I wasn't going to be nominated, so why not have fun with it? And I mean really. "Most likely to succeed"? Does that imply that everyone not nominated is going to fail? Poor word choice, CHS.

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting in my math class, joking with my friend about how some people in our class are ridiculously annoying and trying to figure out what is going on with our calculators when this girl in my class comes over and gives me a folded piece of paper. Intrigued, I opened it up.

And was pretty much floored. This is what it said:

"CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You have been nominated to receive an award at the 2011 Senior Prom. Remember that the winners are selected by popular vote. No nominees are allowed to campaign by posting flyers, posters, or passing out materials. Good luck to each of you!!! Please plan to be at the prom at 12:30 am on April 9 to hear the winners announced."

Are you KIDDING me? This is just a little ridiculous. I started laughing to myself and the whole table of girls that sat close to me were just kind of watching. They were saying "Oh, good job!" but they were still staring at me. A few of those girls are in the Core 30.

And, in case you aren't aware, I am NOT in the Core 30.

I'm flattered and tickled pink. I probably won't win (I still have to face a popularity contest with others who are going to be very successful) but still! How cool is it that I was even nominated? My name will be on the ballot to be voted on by nearly the whole senior class! Craziness.

So yes. An interesting turn of events in the life of Linley. I'll keep you posted.

Save me from me

It's pitch black. You couldn't see your finger if you held it centimeters from your face. You don't know how you ended up in this room of sheer darkness, but you absolutely cannot find your way out for the life in you.

But what's even scarier is that you don't know exactly how much life you have in you to bargain.

Something is in there with you. In the confines of this square room, something is lurking in the corners. Obviously, you can't see it. You can't even hear it. But you can sense it. It's there. You might have a name for it, you might not. You might even know what it is but are refusing to believe it. Whatever the case, you know it will attack. But you don't know when.

Your breathing is heavy and you're sweating bullets. You run in one direction and slam into the wall, searching for a doorknob, a keyhole, a weak spot to throw yourself through. Anything to get you out.

But the second you touch that wall, something grabs you by your shoulders and rips you back. You scream and stumble but don't fall. You can't figure out what you're more afraid of: the fact that it attacked you just now or the knowledge that it will attack you again.

Slowly, you start to edge toward another part of the room. This time, it shoves you harder and you land on your hands and knees, shaking badly. Embarrassingly, you actually whimper. Your fear is overpowering. This is your worst nightmare.

A sharp kick catches you in the ribs and you collapse onto your side, choking for air. The fear has escalated and you catch your breath before furiously crawling to where you think there might be a wall. But you don't get far. It grabs your ankle and hauls you back.

"What are you?" you scream, kicking wildly.

It says nothing and lets go of you. You stand up and make a crazy grab and punch. On the punch, you catch part of it. It's cold and slithery, like a snake. But it was human-like in shape; you think you caught a shoulder or elbow. You reach out again and get a firm grasp on it's arm.

Then it's a fight. It's hands are freezing your arms but you're not letting go. You hold your own for a few minutes, but the longer you hold on, the stronger it gets. It's like it's feeding off of your strength, making you weaker. It forces you to your knees and pushes you on your back. The hands stop pinning your arms but swiftly move to your neck.

"No! Don't!" you gasp. You flail as hard as you can but the hands get tighter. You're slipping under.

"HELP! Somebody! Please!" are the lsat words you think you can say. Tears are rolling down your face. This thing is destroying you. But a thought stuns you and you know it's true: this is you. You brought this on yourself. You know that this is your greatest struggle and you can't battle it anymore. It's finally taking over. And it's been a long-time coming.

Please, someone save me. I can't fight this anymore. You're desperate. You're dying.

Your eyes close slowly. It's almost over. Part of you wants it to end, but most of you doesn't want it to be like this.

Suddenly, blinding light floods the room. It shocks you back into reality and instantly the hands around your neck disappear. An awful noise is coming from the corner, like something dying. Someone is standing over you. It's a man. He's fuzzy because you almost just died. But he's helping you up. The thing in the corner is writhing in agony from the light.

"Why...why are you so late?" you gasp, feeling your neck. You know that bruises are already starting to show up, a painful reminder of what nearly destroyed you.

"You didn't ask until just then. I was with you always--all you have to do is ask," he replies softly and gathers you into his arms.

You start crying because you've been so scared and now you're so relieved. You've been saved. And to this savior you'll cling.

"Free. Come set me free. Down on my knees. I still believe you can save me from me. Come set me free. COME SET ME FREE. I STILL BELIEVE. Inside this shell there's a prison cell." --"Free" by Switchfoot

Day 26: An original photo of the city you live in.

Embarrassing fact: I've lived in my city/town/whatever for fifteen years. And yet I don't have a picture to show for it. I have never taken a picture of a "Welcome to (insert town name here)!" sign or of my high school or anything.

But I need to try to salvage the remains of this challenge, so I'll just show you a picture I took while in my town that isn't of anyone else.

Welcome to my city.

Mountains to climb

Ugh, okay, so I've been trying to write this post for the past ten minutes. Obviously, I've been relatively unsuccessful. I don't even know if I'll keep this try (so if you're reading it, it means I was semi-satisfied or just too tired to delete it).

There's this one line in Switchfoot's song "Enough to Let Me Go". It says "I've still got mountains to climb on my own, on my own." For some reason, it always gets me. I don't even pay attention to the rest of the song; I just rewind that one part over and over.

I'm one of those people who needs to have her alone time. I need to sit in my room and listen to music and write and dwell on my thoughts before I can be a functioning human being again. My room is my cave. College might be the death of me in that instance because I won't have any "Linley space".

So I really like that part of the song. It has a couple meanings...I think.

One is the "let me do this on my own" mentality. The thought that it's a personal thing and you really just need to do this all by yourself (even though we're never all by ourselves). But you know what I mean. It's just one of those things.

I also think it's a maturity thing. We grow up. Though we need and crave companionship, there are just those hard-hitting, soul-searching deals where you have to rig your own harness and get to the top with your will alone. You need to grow in yourself before you can help others grow. You need to deal with your problems, conquer your mountains, before you can start tackling someone else's.

Disclaimer: this is NOT to say that you can do this alone--God will always be there. He will always be walking right next to you and He's the only way you can climb the mountain. But I mean all of this in the sense that no mentor or friend or family member can give you a boost over the summit. This is your personal deal that you handle with God.

Scale walls. Hike cliffs. Climb mountains. But this is one time where I'm going to ask you to go before others. Mature. Grow up. I mean this in the best, sincerest way possible. You don't need to tell everyone everything. Sometimes, it's all on you.

Go forth and conquer.

Day 25: My dream wedding

I'd like to tell you that I haven't given much thought to this, but I have. Welcome to the mind of a teenage girl.

My dream wedding...

Is at Valley Ranch Baptist Church

Has my cousin Parker escorting my grandmother in

Is short

Involves me not tripping down the aisle

Includes everyone that I love (past and present)

Is simple but elegant

The colors are browns, oranges, and reds

Happens in August (family tradition)

The reception has older songs, like "Dancin' in the Moonlight"

My dad says the prayer at the reception

Is full of laughter and dancing

I don't cry too much and ruin my makeup

The man at the end of the aisle is the man I'll spend the rest of my life with happily.

And someone, at some point, quotes the priest with a speech impediment from "The Princess Bride". For those uncultured swine who don't know the passage, I have been merciful on you and will provide it:

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togefer today. Mawwiage between a man and a woooman. A woooman and a man. And wuv. Twue wuv."

It's going to happen.

Day 25: First 10 songs that come up on my iPod

This is what happens when I put my iPod on shuffle.

1. Face Down--Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Man, I haven't heard this song in probably forever. Dang. It was one of my favorites for a while I think. Weirdness.

2. Umbrella--Rihanna. Haha, nice. I think this is from the CD my aunt burned for me. I'm not a big fan of Rihanna, but I feel like I need her on my iPod just because she's Rihanna.

3. Unchangeable--ZOEgirl. Huh. I haven't listened to this in a while, but it's a great song. What a reassurance about our God.

4. Without Love--Hairspray. Oh man. I forgot I had this on here. Hilarious.

5. Try to Forget--Sons of Day. Pretty good song from a little band that's come to my church a couple times.

6. Breakdown--Relient K. One of the 39 songs I have from Relient K. Classic.

7. If My Heart Was a House--Owl City. I'm a fan of Owl City and this song is a really sweet, slow song.

8. Crayons Can Melt On Us For All I Care--Relient K. The song ended before I had a chance to finish typing the name. Check it out :)

9. Hey!--The Rocket Summer. From their newest album "Of Men and Angels". Awesome song.

10. (There's Gotta Be) More to Life--Stacie Orrico. Oh man. Pine Cove anyone? That's the girls' JAM.

Welcome to my iPod, everyone.

Join the club.

You care what people think about you.

Don't give me crap and say that you don't. Because you're lying. If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be so long you'd be smelling the dirt without having to bend over. Get the picture? Duh.

You want people to think that you're beautiful, handsome, attractive, gorgeous, cute, funny, sweet, charismatic, intelligent, caring, kind, gentle, strong, brave, cool, insert another desirable adjective here. No one wakes up in the morning and gets ready for school because they want people to completely ignore their new shirt or how they did their hair. It just doesn't happen like that.

But know this: you rock.

Ladies (sorry guys...got nothing for y'all), if you ever let anyone, including yourself, feel empty or ugly or stupid, know that I want to smack you. You are stunningly gorgeous. Don't ever feel like you're not. You're wanted, you're needed. Don't have contained anger. Let it out. But do it alone and take it out on something inanimate. Write about it. Cry about it. Whatever works for you. Be alive. Feel your pulse if you have to. Go run around the block just to get your blood pumping. No child who is in Christ should ever feel like they have a void in their heart. Love how you are. Because no one can be you better.

How cornball am I?

Honestly.

Anyway, I noticed a change in myself today. I prayed before I left for school. I thought about what I read from Romans last night. And, amazing, I didn't slip into Evil Linley that gripped me on Wednesday and Thursday. God was fighting for me because I stepped aside and let him. I had a dagger to fight an army and it was not cutting it.

Let go of it. Set yourself free. You have the key to the prison cell but you're on the wrong side of the door; just slip it to the other side and God can unlock it.

You know that phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle"? I've heard it at least a million times. I read from Matt Hammit's blog (bowensheart.com) that he was reading this book (I forget the author--oops) and the author said that God will absolutely give us more than we can bear.

And you know what? This dude is right. Never have I had an experience that was rough and made it out of my own accord. Not once. I think that God breaks us so He can move us. 2 Corinthians 12:10 says it perfectly with the "For when I am weak, I am strong". We can only be at our strongest when we let God have everything.

Be angry and let it go. Be beautiful and love it. Be weak and be strong.

And, I assure you, I'm talking to myself more than anyone.

Never have I felt so vulnerable.

I'm confused. On a scale of one to ten, I'm an eleven on the "what the heck is going on?" scale. And I'm not confused about my math homework, or my English homework, or my government homework, or my elective homework. I'm intensely confused by...me.

This will mark the second day in a row where I've been in an awful mood. Bitter, angry, overly sarcastic, moody, weepy, pathetic, confused, overwhelmed. And the bad part, the part that's got me yanking my hair out at the roots, is that I have no reason to be feeling any of these frighteningly strong emotions.

My sweet friend Meredith tried to help me figure it out tonight but we came to no conclusion. Here was our list of possible reasons why I'm not being myself:

1. Prom problems? Nope. Got my date, my dress, and my group. And am happy with all three.

2. College? Nope. Got my room mate, my dorm request, my class sign-up days chosen, hope for the future, faith, and a load of A&M paraphernalia.

3. Boys in general? Not really. Boys are a non-issue right now.

4. Friends? No drama to speak of. Or to not speak of.

5. Books? Movies? Media of any type? No again.

6. School? I have a lot, but it's under control. I'm not worried.

7. Lack of sleep? Eh, it's a possibility. A slim one.

8. Any other personal problems? Other than the fact that I'm not being me, none.

So what's wrong with me? I don't have an answer. So right now, I'm sitting at my computer, near tears, because I've been snappy and a jerk for absolutely no reason and I don't know how to stop. It's like any filter I've had is gone and my emotions are suddenly going nuts. It's like I've been replaced by some crazy, hormonal, obnoxiously mean girl. In the worst way possible.

For example. Last night at church, I suddenly had no desire to be at our Wednesday night activities. I was the most tempted I've ever been to just grab my keys and walk out. So during the youth service, I didn't sing, I completely picked apart everything in the talk that I could, and sat with a stoney face. Can I just reiterate the fact that the above description is the total opposite of me? I sing loudly during worship time, I pay avid attention to the talk even if I disagree with it, and I'm always, always, an encouraging audience member (nodding, watching the speaker, not giving him death glares, etc). I can't remember the last time I was outwardly rude to someone in authority.

So then after the session, I grabbed my friend Holly and went into a room away from everyone else, and I promptly started sobbing. I blamed it on the fact that college was freaking me out, but I know for a fact that it wasn't going away that had me bawling. I don't know what happened. One minute I was just being a drama queen and then the next I'm crying my guts out.

Um what? I'm an emotional person, so I cry a lot. But I always have some reason to. This time...I just started to cry. No reason. It just happened. Same with the anger. I get mad at petty things, but get over them fast. But the anger just kept coming. It was like a hurricane. It was like a nightmare.

I went home and put on a happy face and was the stud actress that I've become lately. The "Yeah, I have it all together. Don't even worry about it." girl that everyone thinks I am.

And it happened again tonight! I wasn't me! I snapped at a friend and was horribly brutal about what I thought about a certain topic. And the worst part? I didn't feel bad. I don't know if I do even now. The sick part of my brain that is infecting the rest of my body is saying, "She needed to hear that. Don't feel bad about it." And this is one infection that I can't fight off.

Something is really wrong with me. And I really, really want to take this to God, but I want to know what's wrong first. Which is backwards and stupid and if I keep doing this I'll end up acting like this old hag for the rest of my life.

I can't let it go and it's eating me alive.

I'm drowning. I'm bleeding. I'm running out of strength.

I can't yell for help. I can't run anymore.

So where do I go from here?

Day 24: Something I've learned

Well this is broad. So I'll be broad.

I've learned that middle schoolers can teach you a lot more than you can teach them

I've learned that no matter how bad you are at football, there are always those who are worse than you are.

I've learned that I can't navigate to IHOP successfully.

I've learned that high school doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things.

I've learned that book angst is far less painful than boy angst but equally as powerful.

I've learned that John Mayer is extremely intelligent and his version of "Free Fallin'" is way better than the original.

I've learned that you can develop an addiction to soda in about 2 weeks.

I've learned that it only takes 20 minutes for something to touch your heart.

I've learned that you actually can be sore from laughing too hard.

I've learned that Nutella is highly addicting.

I've learned that I don't get excited about prom dresses.

I've learned to let go.

I've learned that I will never get my way 100%--I've got to compromise every time.

I've learned that everything will be okay.

I've learned that elephants are the most amazing animals on the earth.

I've learned that Coke a Cola tastes ten times as good after you've been without it for a month.

I've learned that you can make friends with strange people.

I've learned that embarrassing things are only embarrassing in the eye of the beholder.

I've learned that busy work is the absolute worst kind of work.

I've learned that less is more. Like Charmin Ultra.

I've learned that people can change.

I've learned that youtube has some amazing things on it.

I've learned that I can watch thinking movies and not be confused (like Inception).

I've learned that the goofier you are, the better life is.

I've learned the value of adventure.

I've learned that words can be far more powerful than actions.

I've learned how to forgive and forget.

I've learned that the book of Ephesians is brilliant--Go Paul!

I've learned to be hopeful.

I've learned that God will give you more than you can handle--why do you think He's always with us?

And I only learned 2 of these things of this in school. SO BOOM.