My song...don't judge me.

Torn-Up Sleeves

[Verse 1]

She says that she’s

Just one of the guys

And gripes about

Her plain brown eyes

She says she

Is just too insecure

But I know that

All I want is her

[Chorus]

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

[Verse 2]

She says that she

Feels too much

That she always

Gets too worked up

She says she always falls for the guy

Who will never return the love

But I wish she knew that

I want to be enough

[Chorus]

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

[Bridge]

Never have I met

Someone as beautiful as she is

And it kills me

When she doesn’t she her riches

Insecure she may be

But that doesn’t matter to me

All I know is that

[Chorus modified]

She wears her ripped up heart

On unprotecting sleeves

She doesn’t know it

But she’s so much more than what she sees

And I know how beautiful she is

But she doesn’t care

What I think when I look at her

Because all she cares about

Is what she sees in the mirror

[Chorus]

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Um yes. There you have it. 

Pre-prom. And other randomness.

Today is March 30th, 2011. My prom is ridiculously early this year...April 9th. Nuts. So that means that I should have all my plans together by now. I should have my nail appointment, I should have my hair appointment, I should have my dress hemmed, and I should have all my jewelry ready. I should also know where we're taking pictures, who is in my group, what we're doing after prom, and when I should order my date's boutonniere.

However, I'm just getting my dressed measured today to be hemmed. I don't have a nail appointment. I sort of have a hair appointment. I don't have earrings yet. I think I know where we're taking pictures, but I'm not sure. I don't personally know everyone in my group. I don't know what the official plans are for after prom (someone said something about whirly ball?). And I don't know when I should order my boutonniere.

This is my first (and probably last) time at prom and it's overwhelming the heck out of me.

I know what I get everything situated the day of, it'll be great. I'm excited to see if I won the senior class award (even though I probably didn't). I'm ready to dance like the white girl that I am. I'm ready to make memories and to laugh.

But all this prep work? Not a fan.

I'll keep you posted.

Randomness:

So, I'm going to be super honest with you and say that I really don't like poetry. As my friend Ben pointed out, I've never really had a good teacher to show me how to read and interpret it, so I don't have an appreciation for it. Which is true, yes. But that still doesn't change the fact that I don't like it and probably never really will. My poetry liking it limited to, like, haikus.

But I had this overwhelming compulsion to write the chorus for this song that kind of just popped into my head and it was one of those things that just wouldn't leave until I wrote it down. So here it is.

She wears her heart

On torn-up sleeves

Falling in love

Is in all of her dreams

She is dizzyingly beautiful

But feels so normal

In her constant state

Of heartbreak

It doesn't have a name yet...I don't want it to be all angst and stuff like "Constant State of Heartbreak". That's just too much. Maybe "Torn-Up Sleeves"? I don't know. We'll see. So I guess I'll keep you posted on that one too. 

Yep.  

Parachute

Mark the date, everyone. It is extremely important in my life. February 13th, 2011. Get it. Got it? Good.

I would just like you to know that I held hands with a semi-celebrity. We waffled.

So I went to this concert with two of my best friends, Holly and Paige. The band we went to see is called Parachute and they're awesome. They have great music, are goofy, and get involved in the crowd. They throw out a lot of guitar picks and "Hey Dallas!"s and dance around and be the typical concert band.

Well we were all just having a jolly ole time, jamming to some of their older stuff and hearing some songs that are going to come out on the new album (The Way It Was, coming out on April 12th). Then, they started their last song of the night: "Ghost". It's easily my favorite song of theirs. I don't know why I love it so much, but I just do.

Anyway, I'm standing there singing my heart out to this song with my eyes closed because I'm really into it. But when I open my eyes, Will, the lead singer, isn't on stage. His voice is still coming out of the speakers, but he definitely isn't on stage anymore. I was probably dead center in the crowd on all sides and when I looked to my left, I saw a bunch of screaming girls and the top of Will's head. He was making his way through the crowd. And literally headed straight to me.

Because I was at a concert, I lifted my hand (the right one) up once he got close, figuring I might as well try to at least reach to him. What I didn't expect, however, if for him to do the same thing to me.

Yes, I held hands with the lead singer of one of my favorite bands for about five seconds.

Five blissful, magical, amazing seconds.

The Plain White T's had NOTHING on Parachute after that encounter.

That goes into the list of most awesome moments of my life. Within the top ten. 

Cows, popcorn, and senioritis.

So, I've been literally staring at this government project since about 4:15 this afternoon. It's due on Wednesday and I've had absolutely no motivation to do it whatsoever. It's just kind of been one of those days. While the project has been sitting on my desk, I have...

1. Tried on my prom dress with shoes

2. Creeped all up and down Facebook

3. Changed my information and privacy settings on Facebook

4. Played that addicting snake game

5. Downloaded an app on my iTouch (which is kind of lame)

6. Looked on twitter for about an hour and got rid of people who tweeted too much

7. Played another game on my iTouch

All-in-all, I very unproductive afternoon as far as school work goes.

Now, I'm at my desk, thinking about how I really want some popcorn and how thirsty I am. In the meantime, there are cows near my house that keep mooing and I have yet to actually see one.

And I'm really tired because I stayed up until two in the morning because I wasn't tired then. So I cleaned my room instead of curling up in my bed. I still can't decide if that was a good idea or not.

To make matters more exhausting, it's been cloudy and rainy all day. All I've wanted to do is sleep, but I've had to do homework. But, with the amount I've done today, I might as well have slept.

Blogging right now is just another procrastination tool, seeing as I've exhausted twitter, Facebook, and my email. Now I'm going to try to get at least a small part of this project done. "Try" being the operating word in that sentence.

Well bye.

100!!!!!!

So, this is my hundredth post since April of 2010. Almost a year ago, I started this thing that I thought was going to be a nutty misadventure. I mean, I'd already attempted a blog before and it failed epically. But I've been pretty good about posting on this thing, so this post will be all about 100. It will literally just be 100 things that have happened to me, about me, or thoughts by me. And they will be happy. I promise. Here we go.

1. I'm moved by my own writing--something about that is weird.

2. Movies and books can create bonds, but music is the universal thing that bond all people.

3. Ben Rector is the best semi-undiscovered artist out there.

4. Senior year really is as great as people say.

5. Government classes are more interesting than economics classes.

6. The Apple company is taking over the world.

7. I put songs on repeat constantly.

8. I have a tendency to be obsessive.

9. Somehow, I always feel intensely unprepared for essays and end up doing well.

10. Snakes are terrifying.

11. Sometimes I prefer the mountains and sometimes I prefer the beach.

12. The color green is prettier than blue any day.

13. Red Velvet Cupcake flavored hand sanitizer is amazingly delicious smelling.

14. My wrist always pops when I straighten my hair.

15. I'm only on 15 and am having issues thinking of more stuff. 85 more to go...

16. One of the leaders of my church likes his cherry limeade from Sonic with easy ice.

17. Mexican food is the best kind of food.

18. Wendy's new french fries are definitely an improvement.

19. I will never fake bake. Say no to cancer!

20. As pertaining to the above thought: sunscreen is your friend.

21. Walks down memory lane are fun. Most of the time.

22. I have a secret pyromaniac hidden inside of me. Shhhhh!

23. I'm not a closet nerd. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm a front stage nerd.

24. 2nd place is not the first loser--you still get a medal in the Olympics!

25. My room is pink but I wish it were brown.

26. A&M is not a school you would probably pick to go to if you wanted to study English. However, that's exactly what I'm doing.

27. Baseball>football. Sorry, Cowboys; the Rangers have my heart.

28. Jerry Jones, you built a spaceship in Arlington. It's ugly.

29. Also, Jerry Jones? You're not from Texas. You're from Arkansas. So stop putting on that awful accent and pretending that you are the essence of Texas.

30. I despise LSU. And Arkansas. And pretty much everyone else in the SEC.

31. Mac>PC

32. If your town doesn't have a Dairy Queen within 20 miles, you shouldn't be on a map in Texas. Though founded in Illinois, DQ is a Texas staple.

33. Small towns fascinate me. I want to live in one (small town=less than 10,000 people)

34. I really want a t-shirt from Henrietta, Texas that says "Henrietta Football" or something on it. That's where my grandmother is from and I'm kind of obsessed with it. And my grandmother still has family that lives there and I might get it. SCORE.

35. My favorite band of all-time is Switchfoot.

36. Nutella and pretzels together are delightful.

37. Getting mail is fun.

38. Middle school students are hilarious.

39. I LOVE DISNEY MOVIES.

40. Harry Potter is the best thing to happen to the world. Besides Jesus and bread.

41. Africa is a truly amazing place.

42. Go read a book. They're wonderful.

43. T-shirts and shorts are the only things I would wear for the rest of my life if I could.

44. God is big. Very, very big.

45. The address of my elementary school is 1100. I used to think that was the biggest number in the world.

46. Camelbak water bottles are absolutely amazing.

47. Pine Cove Christian Camp will change your life.

48. Sometimes, I just creep around on Facebook and plug people's names into babynames.com and see what names mean.

49. I need a real job.

50. My high school graduation is only 50 school days away.

51. Apparently, I am officially missing an organ. Thank you, hypothyroidism.

52. Watching football and playing football are far more different than you would think.

53. I now really like non-fiction.

54. Procrastination is always a bad idea.

55. I have 11 immediate cousins.

56. Vlogs (video blogs) are seriously awesome.

57. Prom is kind of stressing me out right now.

58. Are you getting bored yet?

59. Guacamole has replaced queso for my favorite sort of dip.

60. Join a church. Your life will be changed.

61. 90s music is ah-mazing. Backstreet Boys :)

62. Whenparentstext.com is the funniest website ever.

63. Fan-fiction is SUPER janky.

64. TVs go out if the electricity goes out. You don't have that problem with books.

65. Twitter is intriguing.

66. My mission trip balance is $666...that's some twisted irony for you.

67. Pens are way better than pencils.

68. I have a tendency to not be informed.

69. Awkward.

70. Lately, I've been having some super weird dreams.

71. There's a 3 inch space between my bed and my nightstand and I'm always afraid that someone is going to grab my wrist when I reach over to get something off my nightstand.

72. I slept with the closet light on until I was 13.

73. The stuffed bear I got when I was born was significantly bigger than me at the time.

74. The only person on the Rangers I don't like is Derek Holland because he threw 11 balls in the World Series. What a derp.

75. "Partyin', partyin', YEAH, partyin', partyin', YEAH. Fun, fun, fun, fun." Did I just get that song stuck in your head? Good.

76. I am incapable of successfully curling my hair.

77. I'm wearing a Josh Hamilton shirt right now.

78. Black fingernail polish is edgy.

79. One of John Mayer's best songs is "Gravity".

80. Froyo and ice cream are pretty much the same thing.

81. I have a very difficult time making decisions.

82. Movies and books blow my mind often.

83. I've never been in love, but I've sort of had my heart broken.

84. I just wrote something, and then looked up to see that I'd already written it as a number. 100 is a lot bigger than you think it is.

85. Hamburgers are delicious.

86. My favorite lunch: a hot ham-and-cheese sandwich on white bread with potato chips and a ice cold Coke.

87. I love hats. All kinds of hats.

88. Craftiness is not my thing.

89. Fear not, for God is with you wherever you go.

90. There's nothing better than Sonic happy hour (large soda=$1.08)

91. This is a picture-taking society.

92. It's taken me 3 days to write this post.

93. My camera goes with me everywhere.

94. "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145:8

95. Writing a book isn't just something you do on a whim--it's about a million times harder than you probably believe it to be.

96. I will cry when the last Harry Potter movie comes out.

97. I love weddings. They're just so awesome.

98. Rainy days are my favorite kind of days. I always look outside to see if it's cloudy and am sad if it's not.

99. One day, I will have gone to every state in the US.

100. On the 100th day of school in kindergarten, I brought 100 Barbie shoes to show and tell.

And there you have it. 100 things.

Rant re Alex Rider.

Let's just make two things known right now: 1. I'm a bookworm like you've never met and 2. I get attached to characters very, very easily.

When characters' in book series lives are threatened, or they leave, or something generally bad happens to them, it's like it's happening to me. I feel it deep in my stomach. I will literally get stomachaches and I will sweat and my breathing will get shallower. I get into books like normal people get into movies. For me, I like to visualize it myself. My mind's eye is pretty awesome--I can picture something with near perfect clarity and that mental image will carry me through the rest of the book (or series). When I've got it, I got it. Same deal with characters. When I've connected with a character in some way, shape, or form, I feel a weird bond with that character. I'm passionate about the "good guys" succeeding and I'm passionate about my loathing for the "bad guys". There are certain book characters that I flinch when I hear or read their name (Bellatrix Lastrange of Harry Potter, for example).

And when books end, especially book series, I go through a weird mourning period. It almost feels like I've lost friends when the final page is turned and there are no more surprises for me. I feel nostalgic.

Yes, I realize how ridiculous this all is. But what you need to realize is that this is what makes me a good writer. This weird, intense love for characters and stories is what makes me who I am as a person as well as a writer. I'm empathetic by nature and that has proved, overall, to be a good thing when it comes to reading and writing. Of course, that has also subjected me to lots of tears over people who do not exist, but whatever. We can move past that.

Anthony Horowitz, renowned British author/play write/screen writer, just finished his blockbuster series The Alex Rider series. Yes, Alex Rider is a fourteen/fifteen year old spy. But not in the "oh-man-I'm-so-awesome-and-love-being-a-spy" kind of way. Quite the opposite, really. It's an intriguing twist on the story we've all heard over and over. There is lots of angst (which I love), tons of details, and very well written. Yeah, they're intensely predictable (Alex doesn't want to go on the mission, goes anyway, learns vital information, is compromised, hears the whole plan from the evil mastermind, almost dies some horrible death, escapes with some crazy but weirdly logical plan, MI6 destroys the threat, Alex is injured in some way, he goes home and vows to never do it again). This happens eight times. He has a care-taker/nanny Jack (an American woman in her late 20s) is always by his side.

*spoiler alert*

In the last book, Scorpia Rising, which was slightly less predictable and had some fantastic twists in it, Jack goes with Alex on a mission. Through a crazy trail of events and one sickeningly cruel plan, Jack, Alex's best friend who knows everything about him, is killed. Sorry to ruin it for you if you were going to read it. The circumstances and the plan easily wins the evil award. It rose above and beyond the call of badness, so much so that "cruel" might even be too light of a word for it. Unfortunately, I knew it was coming. I called it. That's part of the gift/curse of reading so much: I pick up on things that are going to happen. I picked up on Jack's death. I didn't cry--amazingly--but it was just one of those moments where I hung my head and tried to take deep breaths. I wouldn't have had it any other way because it was so masterfully done, but it still hurt.

I'm a nerd. Okay? I'm a nerd.

The conclusion came by Alex going to America to live with family friends and that was the end of the great Alex Rider series.

It's over. I've been following this series since probably eighth grade. That's five years. And now it's just done. Horowitz went out with a bang and the book was great. But it's still sad, you know?

Okay, okay. I'll stop being so emo. I realize I've been like that a lot lately and I apologize. I'll write some happy pieces in the upcoming days, I promise.

And now this blog post is like the Alex Rider series: done.

"Most likely to succeed": A pessimistic perspective

Yes, it's true. I saw the ballot today. I am officially a nominee for the senior class's most likely to succeed. But all day today, I've been feeling annoying pessimistic and thinking of all these negative things that I could potentially be successful at. But first, a brief summary of where some of the thoughts came from...

Today, I realized that I don't like romance novels (it can have romance, but it can't be the central focus), romance movies (unless their comedies), sweet talking (in a romantic setting), or the guy being intensely romantic in any way, shape, or form. I deduced that something is very wrong with me and that I will never fall in love based on these facts. But then I considered that I love it when a guy takes time out to talk to me, even if I don't "like" him. It makes my day when someone tells me I look cute. I want to fall in love and be loved and doted on and taken care of. So does the first part of this match the second? Not really. But somehow all of this is combined into one very confused person: moi.

Now you have some understanding of my angst. I know that a lot of the statements in the following list are intense exaggerations and are not true, but this is me at my very worst pessimism and just being exceedingly negative. And only a few have to do with my love life.

The following statements will all begin with the phrase "Most likely to succeed at..."

Never having anyone fall in love with me

Never falling in love with anyone

Never having someone tell me I'm absolutely beautiful

Never slow dance with someone in the back of a pick-up truck to Tim McGraw

Tripping at graduation

Breaking a bone because I tripped

Breaking a bone because I tripped at graduation

Getting lost. Anywhere.

Having a zit when I'm 40 years old

Being an old maid

Never having a book on the market

Having a book on the market but it never get off the shelf

Being the crazy old writer woman with pet fish because I don't like hair all over the place so I couldn't have a dog and I don't like cats

Making a strange noise at least ten times a day

Forgetting I have skype open

Getting freaked out by nothing

Cowering in the corner during a scary movie

Gaining the freshman 15. And the sophomore 15. And the junior 15. And the senior 15. For a combined total of the college 60.

Losing the "most likely to succeed" award.

I promise, CHS, I want that award--don't get me wrong. But this is just me being...insecure. And I don't know how else to express myself besides writing. I'm inherently insecure. It's a disease that has had temporary remedies for me. But, as the name suggests, they never last. I always slip back into not feeling like I'm a beautiful child of the Lord. Trust me, it's not fun.

Please don't think that I'm mocking the award or anything ridiculous. Like I said, I have those moments where I beat myself down. Just like everyone else does. I want to win the award more than I'd be willing to admit. But being put against two other girls who are going to be amazingly successful is nerve-wracking and brings the worst of me to my attention.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." --Isaiah 41:10

"Oh no, You never let go; through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go. Lord, you never let go of me." --Never Let Go (Matt Redman)

"The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace." --Forever Reign (Shane and Shane)