My April Post

Well okay. Rundown of what's happened since January.
Impact counselor applications came out, were submitted, read, interviews happened, selections went down, and suddenly my foursome of Tyler, Elijah, Emma, and I became an eighteen-some. Omega Benji 2014 is the best, basically. I am continually thankful for how wonderful they all are, how amazing my girls are, our studly man counselors, the support of Emma and Elijah, Tyler as my partner and co-captain of Struggle Bus, and the just general idea that "Oh my gosh I get to serve with these humans and glorify Jesus what even is this."

It's still a pretty weird idea that the Lord put Tyler and I in charge of a camp, and we frequently joke about how some mistake must have happened because there's no way someone would actually trust us to be in a leadership role. But every Thursday when we run a camp meeting, reality hits us and we have to face up to the fact that we aren't in control of anything (hallelujah) but it's okay because we don't really need to be.

So there's that weird mess of me continually attempting to trust the Lord with Impact. The last few months have shown me what happens when I don't trust him. And it is like an F5 tornado came in and tore up my life (in a good but still painful way).

Without going into a lot of detail, I've stumbled my way through this semester. I played the whole "Christian girl" game of saying all the right things and doing all the right actions, but inside I still, STILL, struggled with the fact that my pride was a pill I couldn't swallow; I was still horribly convinced that I could do my chaotic semester of school, social, Impact, sorority, and a whole slew of other things all on my own and it would be great and wonderful.

But it wasn't. Every time I turned around, I was dropping one of the pieces I was juggling. School was the first to fall. Then went the roommates. Then my other friends. Then my spare time. I've never been good at time management, and I knew I was only one slip-up away from falling flat on my face with Impact (something I was terrified to drop). The Lord gave me a good shake though, and I found myself in a boxed in space with no way out EXCEPT for Him.

My juggling act had failed. Too many things had slipped through the cracks. Relationships and school suffered. I had to cut out parts of my life that I had been clinging desperately to. Things that the Lord had given me to see if I trusted him enough to give back. And it took me an embarrassing amount of time to return them, to finally open up my hands and say, "Okay, here, take it. Because I can't do this anymore."   

Now, my priorities are school, Impact, and my roommates, with Christ at the center. Every day is a fight to keep those things where they are on my priority list while still moving forward in life. Every day I have to remind myself what a disaster the first half of my semester was so I can cling to the only part of my little life that wasn't, isn't, and never will be a mess: my faith that the Lord loves me and forgives me.

Because I need a lot of love and a lot of forgiveness.

But it's because of the love that I get forgiveness, and it's through the forgiveness that I am loved.

That truth has been evidenced by every single person I have been around this semester. My roommates love me in my disaster. My camp loves me even though I know that I could be better at leading. My family has been a constant force of prayer and love. I can't imagine what this semester would have looked like if I hadn't had a force of people pushing me forward every moment of every day.

My semester was a mess. A lot of tears over a lot of things have been shed. But the amount of laughter, wonderful times with people I love, productivity, and inexplicable joy that has come from the last few months have left a patchwork of healing over the scars.

"No longer defined by the wreckage behind"

I've gotten bored with the music on my iPod and, therefore, have resorted to listening to the commercials of Spotify (which, granted, isn't that bad). I was in the mood to listen to some Jesus jams and re-stumbled across a song I had heard a few times over Christmas break. It's "Hello, My Name Is" by Matthew West.

Go listen to it right now.

Here, I'll help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuJWQzjfU3o

You guys, here's the deal. If you have believed and accepted the fact that you are human and screw up, that God sent his perfect son Jesus Christ to take the blame for your screw ups (and raising from the dead in the process), and that you are forgiven, then this is for you. If that does not apply to you, I pray that you investigate the love of Christ and the freedom in his truth.

Matthew West's song has made me want to cry from joy every time I've heard it because the truth is overwhelming.

Romans 8:14-17 calls us adopted by God. He called us out of our sin and death and chains and into his family. He takes our rags of regret and our coat of defeat and strips them away. He says in Revelation that he is making all things new. We were not created to wear clothes that broadcast our failures. He takes everything that is not perfect from us and puts new clothes on our backs.

And, for whatever reason, we beg for the other ones back. Because they're comfortable. Because we can hide our dirty secrets in vague proclamations. We want people to know that we aren't perfect but we refuse to be vulnerable enough to let on what's really wrong with us. Our society is obsessed with wallowing in our sin because it's easy and, even if it hurts, it's a heck of a lot less painful than discovering why we're doing this. That discovery would lead to the truth, and the truth is just too hard to bear.

This is the great lie we have been led to believe. That we are hopelessly alone. That there is no redemption in us, so we wear our mistakes like badges of honor because it's the thing to do, and that the truth will only bog us down. So YOLO, right?

No. Wrong. Stop. Enough.

If we let ourselves be defined by what we have done, what we have been told, and what we think of ourselves because of what we have seen, we are dishonoring the very one who created us. We let our identify get wrapped up in things that are temporary. I've so easily taken on the role of "English major" or "Impact cochair" that I let the fact that I am Linley, a created masterpiece and a daughter of the most high God, slide by the wayside.

Because that's what we are. We aren't claimed by our regret or defeat anymore. And for anyone who tells you that you are defined by your past and what you've done--in your head or outside of it--know that those are lies. 

You are not alone.

Nor hopeless. Or unloved. Or any other negative definition.

The Bible is full of definitions of what you ARE if you are in Christ. Claiming his name gives you the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven. But on a less grandeur scale (but possibly more incredible), we are forgiven of what we've done and redeemed as something beautiful.

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that he may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness and into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Peter 2:9-10.

(hey Dad...sorry it's been so long since I've posted)

2013 in review

Part of me wanted to do this post in pictures, but really the only pictures on my phone are funny conversations I've taken screen-shots of, embarrassing selfies my roommates have sent me, and a wide array of Kyle Field shots taken at football games. As telling as those are, my year hasn't been totally dominated by texting (though my mom might beg to differ), selfies, and football.

This year was a good year.

While my blogging hasn't been consistent, it's captured the major moments of the year. Impact counselor round two, this year more of a leader within the camp than a "Oh wow I'm actually here" deal. Miraculously, Netflix continued to be a positive influence on my GPA. I traveled to London with an English class. I changed churches in College Station. I worked in my church's youth ministry back home over the summer and cranked out 8 hours of Spanish. My roommates and I migrated from our three room apartment to a three bedroom house down the street from campus. We like it a lot more than the apartment, but have had our fair share of calling the leasing agency to fix things. I even rode my bike to class for a few weeks. Huzzah. Impact retreat was pretty picture-perfect. My girls are amazing and two of my closest friends. I wrote for the school paper. Impact leadership applications came out and for some weird reason, I was put in charge of a camp.

And now 2014 is 4 days old, and I'm onto semester 6 of 8 in my college career.

Weird.

There are a few people who deserve major shout-outs for this year. Only the first is in a particular order.

The first is Jesus. Duh. Being thrown into situations where His trust was my only thing to hold, His patience was the only thing I had, or His joy was my only strength grew me exponentially this year. I have a long road ahead of me still, but progress/change is good and encouraging. And I have no doubt that everything I faced this past year will be something be challenges that are thrown at me in 2014. Like the last 5 semesters, I don't see the growth until I look back and have to close my gaping mouth. His faithfulness is something I'll never get used to.

The second is going to go to my family. My brother came down to school at Blinn, so we ran into each other on a weekly basis (and normally ended with me buying him food). So huzzah to that. My sister has successfully found her life's ambition--being a special education teacher (it fits her beautifully--like I've never known anyone to have a job so designed for them). My mom is hilarious and supportive as ever. I always know when she's bored because she'll call me and talk 90% of the time we're on the phone--her New Year's resolution is to let my dad talk more. My dad is someone I'm still continually figuring out and appreciating more as I do. He is a creature of habit and a peaceful presence to our family.

The third is a group of people--my roommates. Rachel, Myles, and Joy were a huge factor in my growth and success this year. Just being around them has helped me to see what Godly love looks like because they love me. They are truly friends I plan to keep for the rest of my life. And even when I land on Rachel's leg trying to get out of bed or accidentally scare Myles or lay on Joy's bed and word vomit all my woes, I am confident in the fact that the four of us were put together for a reason. We live together well and we love each other despite all of our differences and struggles.

Lastly is a general shout-out to all the friends I've grown closer to this year. Thanks for being a friend.

2014 is going to be a busy, chaotic, fantastic year. I've been prepared as much as I can be, but I know there will be many times where I'll need Christ, my family, and my friends to carry me through. I'm ready to trust and to put what I've been taught into practice.

So here we go.

My short career as a journalist

Well you guys, I had a nice stint as a journalist writing for A&M's newspaper. It lasted all of three months and I got a definitive answer on one of my life questions: my career path will not include reporting.

I'm pretty not good at it, in my fairly critical opinion (though despite my deadline missing habits and a feeling of "I have no idea what I'm doing", the editors liked me and what I wrote). The writing part was fine. Great, even. I loved being able to sit down and crank something out because I love to write and I was writing something that was not analytical of a novel or a research paper about educational theories. It was something that people my age would read and may be interested in.

The cause of my journalistic demise was the knowledge that I was so not a journalist. Not even a little bit. Calling up people and asking them all these questions felt like an intrusion into their lives and an inconvenience of their time. I felt horribly guilty if a story didn't run because I had hunted down these people and wasted their time.

I know that's not what it was. Not really, anyways. Interviews didn't take very long and people were open to talk about things they liked and were involved in. But still. The self-conscious and insecure part of me felt really bad about a story not running, but I knew it was because of logistics and other stories in the paper that were going to be run.

I learned a lot. Without a doubt, I learned a lot. That part was really cool. I feel like I have a glimpse of what working for a publisher looks like. Maybe not extensively (probably not, let's be real here), but I know what it means to write on a deadline now and to have people waiting on things in your hands. The amount stress was surprising and kept me up at night--which is funny, because my job was the minimum amount of everyone who worked for the paper. Just further confirmation that journalism and fast-and-hard stories aren't my strong suit.

Do I regret it? Nope. Not even a little bit. It was a valuable experience and I'm glad I did it. But unless I'm interviewed for something, you probably won't see my name in the Battalion next semester.

The next step in the adventure is on its way.

Feelin' 22

Yeah so I've been 22 for about three weeks at this point, but I think we can all agree that my blogging game has been off for like the past year. Relatively similar to the Rangers past season.

Anyways.

As per tradition, here are twenty two things that I've learned/observed/that are notable in the past year/22 years.

1. Being told you're an Impact co-chair is excellent. Especially when you get that glorious email on your birthday.

2. Though sometimes I question why people put me in positions of leadership because I choked on water so badly the other day that I made these horrible noises that sounded like a dying goose. Like for real, y'all, infants can drink liquids better than I can.

3. Blue Bell ice cream is unquestionably the best kind of ice cream. Especially when it's right off the line and hasn't been frozen so it's all melty and soft and you feel like you could stick your face in it forever and it be totally okay.

4. The Texas Rangers have successfully traded 4 of their best/most famous players. Yeah, I'm still crying. I'll miss you, David Murphy, Ian Kinsler, Craig Gentry, and AJ Pierzynski.

5. Trying to combine the English and Education departments at A&M is like trying to mix oil and water. Sorry I'm complicated y'all.

6. I think Johnny Manziel has a shot in the NFL. Sue me.

7. Having the top bunk in a room with a 7'4" ceiling isn't bad. I've only whacked my noggin once. I'd consider that a victory.

8. I would rather have a small house with character than a big house that doesn't feel like a home.

9. Disney has still got it, you guys. "Frozen" was legit.

10. I've seen some really incredible sunsets this year. I don't know what it is, but the artist is working. (that was corny and I'm sorry but I'm also not)

11. Those little party noisemaker things can entertain a group of twenty-somethings for at least 10 minutes. My apologies to my neighbors.

12. I am such a bad dancer. Like such an awkward white girl with zero rhythmic abilities whatsoever. 

13. Being able to hang out and lead a group of Phi Lamb pledges this past semester was a blast. I loved being able to see how God was working through their freshman year.

14. My Impact nuggets are the bomb, y'all. Like the Struggle Muggle freshman are so great.

15. I'm becoming a Marvel nerd. Can't get enough of that stuff. Captain America, I'm yours.

16. My roommates are the best.

17. I am not a journalist. My brief stint with the Battalion told me that much.

18. But I am still distinctly a writer. Trying to figure out where all that comes into play.

19. Going to some of the football press conferences were some of the coolest experiences of the year. Like, hey, Malcome Kennedy. Why yes, I will return your smile.

20. There is nothing I can do that will mess up God's plan. I may complicate things, but He is bigger than me.

21. I still don't get Gossip Girl.

22. Yep, I'm feeling it.

Another great year. X number more to come. Thanks, and gig 'em.

Omega Benji 2014 (I think I'm in charge?)

So Impact.

That Christian orientation camp I've blogged about like six million times? The experience as a freshman, two years of counselorship (is that a word?), and all other things involved with it? Yeah that. Well, my leadership in that has expanded.

Each camp--consisting of 18 people--is split up into three different roles (it's lopsided, don't worry about it). Of that, 14 are counselors (what I've been). Two of those are on prayer team, which their sole job is to pray for and support everyone else in the camp. So they basically have to be real servant hearted. The last two are the cochairs, who are like the parents of the group.

So...just call me Mom.

Yeah, for whatever reason the executive leaders of Impact decided to put me in a power position. There are 54 cochairs total--27 girls and 27 guys. We are then split up into sessions--Alpha is first, Delta is second, and Omega is the last. Then we get our camps, which are named after the twelve tribes of Israel. We only use 9 of those and I don't know why we use the 9 that we do. They also have corresponding colors that Impact has given them to identify themselves. Asher (aqua), Benjamin (Benji--yellow), Gad (orange), Issachar (silver), Reuben (red), Simeon (green), Zebulun (purple), Judah (royal blue), and Naphtali (pink). My first year I was Asher, the next I was Gad, and now I'm Benji.

Last year, I informed my roommates that I didn't want Gad. I got Gad. This year, I told them I didn't want Benji. I got Benji. This is all purely based on color preferences.

I know that God is just up there loling away.

So my partnerships are going to be super important this year. My fellow cochair Tyler and I will essentially be the ones setting the tone for the camp. We'll be the "counselor" models for our counselors to follow. It's us. We will set a vision for our camp, pick counselors who fit that, and start building relationships with them so they can better share the Gospel to their freshman in August. Needless to say, Tyler and I will be working with each other quite a bit.

Then there are my stud prayer teamers--Emma and Elijah. Emma was a cochair last year, so she's going to be such a great support role for me this year because she's been there. She and I will be each others support as well as the support to our girl counselors. Tyler and Elijah will have the same roles but with the dudes in our camp.

Right now, it's just the four of us that make up Omega Benji. The other 14 will come in February (eeeek!). And then the other 70 will get here in August (waddup, fightin Texas Aggie class of 2018).

It's incredible how the Lord has shown how specifically I am made to be a cochair this year. Through the little things and the big things, there is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that this is where I am supposed to be. Following Christ. Leading a camp. Tyler and I have our work cut out for us, even with the help and endless prayers of Emma and Elijah. But I am confident in the job that has been set before me and that I will not be given more than I can handle. The Enemy will threaten and scare and lie. But I stand on the Solid Rock. And the Lord God will not let me be moved.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.

I don't get Gossip Girl

Here's the deal, you guys. My roommates love that CW show Gossip Girl and never stop talking about how beautiful the love between Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf is. The whole concept of the show--bratty, rich, Upper East Side-rs who text everyone's secrets to this one person who then spills all the secrets to everyone on the list server--is completely ridiculous. "Who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. XOXO, Gossip Girl."

I love shows like 24 and Prison Break. Give me an epic "save the world" story any day. But my curiosity got the better of me this weekend and I ventured into the great unknown of Manhattan's most privileged fictional characters.

I finished the first season today. Yeah, that took all of 4 days. But even after cranking through 18 episodes like it was my job, I still just don't get it. Chuck Bass is a creep. Blair is the worst. Nate and Dan are the only ones with a moral bone in their bodies. And Serena has all kinds of skeletons in her closet. What's the allure? Why does anyone watch this show? Why am I?

My reasoning is twofold. The first reason I think I'm still watching it is to see when Chuck Bass stops being the worst and when his character finally develops into the swoon-worthy stud of a man Rachel, Myles, and Joy talk about all the time. Right now he's just kind of a creep. The second reason is that their lives are so privileged. Chuck Bass hands out $10,000 just for funsies. Blair can just fly to France whenever she wants to.

Normal people aren't like that.

Normal people don't have a couple hundred thousand dollars in a trust fund or get lunches that cost $120 on a weekday.

So maybe that's the pull. These people live absolutely crazy lives of money and parties and easy come, easy go. Their happiness is hard and short-lived, but it is so fun to watch. The roller coaster that they ride on every day is fascinating to Suburbia, USA.

Do I wish my biggest struggle of the day is having to live in a luxury hotel? Sure. I wouldn't hate that. But I do want unlimited money for my own usage at my fingertips? I don't know. Money is made by people and people have a tendency to be greedy and self-serving. Not all of us are controlled by that, but there's a piece in all of us that is.

The drama that constantly surrounds them is interesting to watch, but nothing in me wants that for myself.

So is that it? Their lives are so amazingly crazy, it reminds us of our sanity?

I don't have an answer. I wish I did, because after I've bashed the show for so long, my roommates are teasing me for caving now.

This is a weird post. I'll keep y'all updated if I find any deep revelations about the human condition in my continued watching.