Unfinished business

I'm a senior. I'm looking forward to college and starting over and becoming a "real adult". I'm about to embark on a great adventure involving new friends, a new church, and a more mature faith. And that's all well and good, but can I be honest? I'm not ready to leave my church now. At Winter Weekend (my church's version of Disciple Now), I couldn't say all I wanted to say because I got too choked up.

Because I'm clearly incapable of speaking like a normal human being, I will write. So here's all my unfinished business about this weekend.

J-Tom, one of the leaders this weekend, had challenged the seniors to go up and say something to the rest of the group. I'm surprisingly good at talking in front of people, so I decided I would and God put expressing hope on my heart, so that was the plan.

If you were at Winter Weekend, you saw how I struggled when I went up to talk to the group. I really, really wanted to have a great little talk about having hope. Unfortunately, I had just had a weep-a-palooza with two of my little seventh grade buddies and was emotionally wrung out and weirdly hungry. Those put together made for one very shaky Linley.

I had sort of prepped earlier that day and had two verses and a smallish message I wanted to share with the group. Two seniors had already gone and I hopped up before I could lose my nerve. When I opened my mouth, my voice sounded like I'd been crying (which I had) and my hands were shaking so hard my Bible almost fell. I got out a few sentences and read the verses before I couldn't stay up there anymore without sobbing. But here's what I wanted to say:

Have hope. Life is hard--we all know that. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean that God is going to make your life all happy and perfect and you'll be protected from everything. But know this. God loves you and He will be at your side. He will give you hope when you're in the darkest places of your life. Don't doubt that for a second. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel (no, it's not the light of the train barreling towards you, either). Just press on. Ask for His help. He is your guardian. He is your light. He is your everlasting hope.

Romans 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." And then--this is my favorite--Matthew 28:20b (the very last sentence of Matthew) assures us of this: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." I love that. So don't be afraid to be hopeful because you don't want to be let down. If you have hope in the right place (i.e. God), you will never be let down.

And then, my senior girls. Whether I've known you since we were little and dorky or whether I just met you this year (or anywhere in between), I genuinely love all of you. In one way or another, you've helped my faith grow. You've encouraged me to be myself and to dig into God. You've been my rocks and my friends. It freaks me out to think that in less than eight months, you won't be a major part of my life anymore. I won't see you at school or at church. Our last time all together will be in New York, and even then we'll be missing a few pieces. So really, Saturday night is going to go on my list of best nights ever. I'm going to miss all of you so much. And now, my unfinished prayer.

God, thank you. Thank you for these amazing girls who have impacted my life in some way, shape, or form. They have blessed me immeasurably. I hope You guide all of them in the way they need to go. I pray that they all have tolerable room mates. I pray that You push them to be successful. I hope that they find a church that fits them perfectly and are plugged into a vibrant college ministry where they can find their best friends. I hope these friends challenge their faith and push them to be more beautiful and strong women of faith than they already are. I pray that they don't get homesick too badly, or at all. I pray that they have the summer of their lives this year. Give them strength, guidance, love, and hope. God, I love these girls. I could pray for them for hours. Thank you, again. I love you. Amen.

LIVE WEAK.

Run.

You're in a field. It's tree-lined and you can't see the end of it. Behind you, you see a storm. And it's a whopper. Wind is whipping around from every direction and you can't get any form of stability because you feel like you're literally being pushed in every way possible. The clouds are pitch black but, right now, the clouds above you are only a stale grey. But they're moving fast and you know you're about to be pounded by this mother of storms.

You look ahead and know that you have to keep going. You've been running so long but you have to keep going to try to evade this storm for as long as possible, hoping that it might lose some of it's power before it gets to you. Sometimes that works. Sometimes you can play keep-away from all the storms that have plagued your life and they die down a little. Sometimes these storms are barely noticeable and you don't even have to run to try to stay out of them. But other times, the storm is either too powerful or comes up too fast and you're almost destroyed. You run as hard as you can, barely dodging the lightning but being deafened by the thunder; and all the while, you're being drenched by a cold rain.

This has been your life. You don't know anything different. You're sick of it, but you don't know how to stop. So you just keep running away.

But now you're about to run out of reserves. All your random boosts of energy have gone. You have nothing to draw from anymore. You're about to be consumed either by exhaustion or a storm--or both. But you just can't give up. You try to press on, to find more strength that you know you don't really have. But you run anyway, your bare feet pounding on the dead grass in a dead field. The storm is raging behind you and your shirt is rippling in the winds. You look down briefly and see that your feet are cut and bleeding--again.

Then you look up.

There's a man in all white off in the distance. He's in the same barren landscape that you are. No flowers are spontaneously blooming at his feet; the heavens aren't casting a golden light on his head, and angels aren't flying around him, singing praises to him. But he just radiated...strength. He is everything that you're not. He is power. He is beauty. He is hope.

You know that he, this man who is practically glowing, is the answer to the running you've been doing your whole life. You know you just need to make it to him, so you try to boost your speed but you...just...can't. In fact, you're slowing down. Way down. It feels like the storm has long, cold fingers and these fingers are literally pulling at you and it's getting harder to run and get to the man. But you lower your head and give one last effort. One last fight.

Then, after what seems like a lifetime, you barrel into the man. He immediately and unquestioningly wraps his arms around you and pulls you close. Instinctively, you do the same and feel scars on his back, as if from a whip. You stand still for a minute, lost in the security you feel with this man. Then you remember what's chasing you. You pull back and look at him.

"Hurry," you say, pulling on his arms, "the storm."

You hear him chuckle slightly but you're preoccupied by the fact that the storm is now right on top of you.

The man pulls you back in to another hug. "I've got you" is all he says.

Then you feel the rain. It instantly starts to drench both of you and it's colder than it's ever been. The lightning is striking so close that your arm hair is standing up and your heart is pounding. But you don't let go of the man. As terrifying as your circumstances are, you keep holding on because you know you need him.

You don't know how long you stay wrapped up in the man's arms, soaking wet but now strangely warm. But you gradually realize that the storm is slowing down. Then it stops completely. Amazingly, the clouds disappear overhead and you see something that you've only seen a few times in your life--a pure, blue sky. And now you feel stronger than you've ever felt before. You haven't felt this strong since...forever.

"So...should I leave now?" you ask the man. He smiles at you.

"There will be more storms," he replies.

You bite your lip, knowing he's right. "I can't...I'm not strong enough to endure them alone anymore. I never...I never have been strong enough, really."

His smile widens and he stops holding you, only to then extend his hand. "You've never had to."

Graciously, you take his hand and begin to walk with him. He leads because you have no idea where to go and he seems like he's got a pretty solid plan. Like you, he's bare foot and has a puncture-like scar on both feet and matching ones on each wrist. You want to know more about this savior.

Before you get a chance to ask, though, thunder rumbles to your far left and both of you look. But this time, you're ready. There will be no more running. The man squeezes your hand reassuringly and keeps leading you through.

"So I'll run to You; I will run, I will run. I will move right on through all these things that I have done. And You'll take me back--I don't know why..." --Run to You (The Rocket Summer)

"Oh, I'm running to Your arms; I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough."

All-nighters are NOT good ideas

I'm a leader for this thing in my community called Wyld Life. You might have heard of Young Life, which is a Christian, high school community that's not affiliated with any church. Wyld Life is the middle school version of Young Life. It's pretty awesome and I love being involved in the growth of these middle schoolers. I was made for middle schoolers. They're hilarious.

So every year, my community's chapter of Wyld Life partners up with about six other WLs around the metroplex and did a thing called "The Bus Tour", henceforth known as TBT. It would last from 10:00 on Saturday night to 7:15 on Sunday morning. There would be no sleeping and no coffee. It would be a crazy night full of fun.

I had to be at the student center at 9:00 but the kids wouldn't get there for another hour. I made a Sonic run and fueled up on caffeine before the night commenced. Our first stop was to a school about thirty minutes away where we took part in an all-city club. Club is basically worship time, games, and a talk. And there were about three hundred kids there. It was madness. After playing several games, singing some J-Biebs, and hearing a really cool talk, a couple WL groups left but the rest (still around two hundred kids) stayed and ate pizza. Taylor Swift was played and two of my friends who are leaders with me, Meredith and Emily, danced and belted out "You Belong With Me" and "Our Song". There were a total of eight tables serving the pizza, four on each side of the gym. Across the room, there were other WL doing the same thing we were. Wyld Life leaders are all of the same breed.

After the pizza party (which ended at 1:00), we went to this indoor soccer place. It was nuts. There were four fields that were like kiddie fields and there were bleachers that looked over the fields (there were nets, of course). It was funny to watch some of our guy leaders get sweaty and into the game. I didn't play and somehow ended up as the one who held all the coats. I felt like a mom. We hoped that it would make the kids tired but that didn't work. At around two, we left for Main Event.

Bowling, games for 3 1/2 hours, laser tag, and shenanigans ruled Main Event for more than three hours. I think we left at around 5:30. I didn't bowl at all (because I'm horrible at it) but I played some extreme laser tag (second best on my team, thank you very much) and beat Meredith at air hockey three times. I did that weird roller coaster simulator and a race thing that just bounced you around a lot and I almost fell asleep. I hit several walls and made it through all of them--somehow.

All this time, I was in a car with a couple of the other student leaders and not the bus. The bus was a little...chaotic, to say the least. Then some girls got lost but not really. They just got on the wrong bus, so we just took them to the last destination, which was a church of Christ in Flower Mound. It was now 6:15 in the morning. We ate donuts and then the leaders left for the student center to get the t-shirts situated and ready for the kids to be picked up.

I got home at 7:30 and was still feeling pretty awake, but I knew that if I laid down, I would fall asleep and not wake back up for a while. I took a shower, got ready for church, and stayed awake through Sunday school. But during the sermon I started to fall. Within fifteen minutes, I was almost falling off the pew because I was sleeping. So having my aunt on staff at church came in handy when I went into her office and quickly fell asleep.

After lunch (which I somehow managed to stay awake during), I went home, put on pajamas, took out my contacts, and climbed into bed where I slept for more than five hours. Though TBT was fun, I will never, ever try to pull an all-nighter again.

So, good night world. Value your sleep.

No more of this crying business. LAUGH, FOOL, LAUGH

Today, in my English class, I was writing something for a book analysis. In the book, Wuthering Heights, one of the characters is bitten by a dog. When I was writing that down, I accidentally said, "Catherine was bitten by a dawg" instead of "dog". Because I enjoy letting people think that I'm a lunatic, I just sat at my seat laughing hysterically. My shoulders shaking, my sides hurting, and my inability to get a breath in or explain why the heck I'm laughing so much when nothing happened to make me laugh.

This post is basically going to be funny things that happen in my life. Hope your day is made.

My brother and I pulled up to my house right as these neighborhood kids were walking past it. They didn't know we were in the car when they walked on our front lawn to look at some grass company sign. Tanner, my brother, looks at me with raised eyebrows and goes, "Honk at them." With a giggle, I laid on the horn. All three of them jumped and turned to look at me and my brother cracking up.

Another time Tanner was in the car with me, we were driving down our street when some car was just stopped dead in the middle of the road. I'm a nice driver, so I decided to wait a few minutes to see if they would see me behind them and then move. I gently rested my head on my steering wheel, but hit the horn's sweet spot and it went off for a good three seconds before I realized that 1. it was me honking on accident and 2. I was being rude. Tanner, of course, was laughing like an idiot. But the car moved, so it was okay.

I'm in this forensic science class at my school and there are about seven people who all hang out and cause a ruckus in class (I would be part of that group). We were working on this project that required filming out in the hallway and I decided that I got bored with just standing, so I started river dancing. My friend Alyssa, though, had the camera on and started recording my river dancing. Everyone was laughing and I guess we were being really loud because my teacher came out into the hall just in time to see the last few seconds of my supreme dancing skills. Then I fell down because I was laughing so hard. Good times.

My cousin Scott (age 6) tends to not speak efficiently. He'll repeat the first word of his sentence multiple times before rushing the rest of his sentence out. For example, he'll say, "Um um um um um Linley? CanIhavesomeicecreamplease?" There's your background information. So there was one time he was over at my house. We had all ordered pizza and he was going in search of the cheese. There were three boxes on the counter and he didn't know which one was the cheese, so he starts to say, "I'm looking for the cheese..." but in the middle of his sentence, he found it. So here's what he actually said, "I'm, I'm, I'm...yay! A cheese!" In that same meal, he thanked Jesus for his dancing moves in the last part of his prayer.

My favorite pair of shoes are my Topsider Sperrys. They're comfortable and go with almost everything, but they have a major problem: they never, ever stay tied. So I frequently ask my friend Brittany (forensics buddy) to tie them. Once I made the mistake and asked my other friend Ben (forensics and English buddy) to tie them. They ended up with the laces out of them because I wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. And whenever I ask my brother to tie them, he responds with, "You're a senior in high school! Tie your own dang shoes!" But because they don't stay tied when I tie them, I just end up tripping all the way down the hallway. So awkward.

Today, I was reading a children's book for a project and a peanut fell out of it.

I was in my room the other day (over Christmas break) when Tanner came in, climbed in my bed, and said "Night night!" Because I'm used to his antics, I ignored him for a while and just kept Facebook chatting or whatever. Then I look back and he's got my Snuggie, another blanket, and a pillow and has made himself a bed on my window seat--which is about a foot in width. Needless to say, he did not last long on the window seat.

I've decided that my economics teacher is the most clueless man on earth. I have tweeted, texted, Facebook chatted, played hundreds of games of iTouch checkers, and written song lyrics in the past semester and he hasn't caught any of it.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I stabbed this sophomore from my church with the sword of Gryffindor and patched it up with tissues. Then I sent him down a water slide and the whole time he was crying. I woke up the next morning feeling horrified that I'd stabbed Dustan only to find that it was a dream. That might have been the most relieved I've ever been.

Uh yeah. This is my life. Welcome.

I can't think of an accurate title for this post...

I go to this camp in Tyler, TX called Pine Cove. It's a Christian camp where I've had pretty much all of my spiritual revelations and some of my best memories and conquered some of my worst fears. The people are awesome, the Club ("sessions" or talks) is fantastic, worship time is my favorite, and the shenanigans are constant. On Friday night of each week, the campers write a letter to themselves and it will be sent out at some point over the next school year. I got mine today and it was such a great encouragement to press on through the last leg of high school. So here's what I wrote initially:

Hey guess what?! If you're reading this, it means that you're alive and surviving without the class of 2010. You've probably had a busy social life and know for sure where you're going to college, if you're going to be a Baby Ruth, and where the 2011 86:12 trip is going to be. So for the 8/6/10 Linley, those things are rather mind blowing. Here are a few things to keep in mind though.

1. Do try your very best to not judge/gossip. It's hard but you know that life is hard. So suck it up.

2. God has a plan.

3. Your core is cracked, splintered, broken, screwed-up, and is only holding together because Chris Jesus who lives, somehow, in you and all of your disaster.

4. Read Romans. Go.

5. Doubting God or anything about Him? Go outside.

6. There's hope. Always. God would NOT make a hopeless world.

7. If it takes hell coming in to make you cry out to God and realize that you desperately need a savior, bring it.

8. All sin is looked at in the same way, so don't think for a second that you are better than anyone.

9. You don't deserve grace, so don't take it for granted.

Um yes. Just look back at all of the journal entries and the Bible study book for anything else. And, you know, the Bible always works too.

You're living to glorify God. So act like it! Keep the faith.

I'm a fairly straight-forward person. Or so I like to think. Anyway, I'll just address everything on it's own and in ANOTHER list. Lists keep things organized, okay? That's why I like them so much. But this number one won't be the number one in the above "remember this!" list. I'll make sure to clarify what I'm addressing.

1. Yeah, I'm living without the class of 2010 being in the same town as me. Notice I said "living" and not "surviving". There's a significant difference. I still talk to all of my friends who just graduated and, amazingly, it almost doesn't feel like they've been gone. What a blessing. Yes, my social life has been great fun but not overwhelming. My life is pretty dang good.

2. Yes, I'm going to A&M. Something that the August 6th version of myself was only hoping for.

3. No, I'm not going to be a Baby Ruth. A Baby Ruth is an intern at Pine Cove and it's a five week program designed to help you become a more Godly woman, but it's so much more than that. However, I really haven't felt God pushing me that way. He's got something else for me, I just don't quite know what.

4. Mission trip 2011: NEW YORK CITAYYY

5. I really am trying to not judge. If I'm going to be honest, the not gossiping thing is much more difficult and I'm not so good at that. Not judging is getting better though.

6. God's plan is a powerful one and something that I'll never be understand. But I'm okay with that.

7. I'm so broken. He is the master healer. That's all I need to know.

8. I don't know what I instructed myself to read Romans. But I'm getting on that ASAP. A chapter a day keeps the devil away!

9. I haven't doubted God lately because I've been basking in Him too much. Who said too much of a good thing was bad? They should be knocked silly.

10. I AM hopeful. I am nothing if not hopeful.

11. Hello hurricane. You may be large, but I've got a God who is bigger. And at the first sign of danger, I'm going to cling to Him with everything I've got, despite the fact that you'll pull at me as hard as you can.

12. If I have learned anything, it's that I'm not better than anyone--ever. I sin, you sin, we sin. It's all sin. It's all dirty. It's only black or white, no grey.

13. As I said before, if His grace is an ocean, let me drown.

14. The faith is being kept.

End. Of. Story.

And this is me surrendering.

Dear God,

I've realized that girls in the 21st century have a problem: we pursue boys. We're not supposed to. It's tradition. The boys chase the girls. It's Biblical. Girls need to let the boy come to them. And girls are straying away from that.

This needs to stop, ASAP.

My first relationship (and, to date, my only one) was brought about by my initiative. At the time, it wasn't weird. Or, I didn't think of it as weird. But others did. And now I look back and think, "Well that relationship was great, but he needed to chase me. I didn't let him do that." So now I'm turning to You, God, do put Mr. Right in my life.

Because, let's be honest, he's not going to come any other way, right? Right.

Proverbs 31:30 is one of my verses that I try to live my life by. It says this: "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Get what that's saying?

I can be as cute and flirty and whatever as I want. But I won't be like that all the time. Or even most of the time. My happy attitude is deceptive, because I (along with many of my other friends) am a pro at pretending I'm okay. I should win some acting award. I can put on a good face and be that charming young lady you would expect me to be. But, more often than I'll admit, I'm faking it.

And as for the fleeting beauty? My worldly beauty flees when I get out of the shower. I mean really. No makeup, my hair is crazy, and I'm normally wearing pajamas and glasses and my retainer. No one wants to see me looking like that--not even me. But even when I'm looking my best, makeup done perfectly and hair straightened just right, it'll go away. But despite my changing appearance, I'm the same person. And I still have faith in You. That never leaves. So, men of the world, if you're attracted to how I look, you will be let down. Because I will uglify myself in due time.

But, God, I do fear You. I fear You and I love You and I put my faith in You. You know me inside and out. I can't hide from You--it is literally impossible. You see my darkest thoughts and my best hair days.

So, God, here's what I'm doing. I want you to take my love life. It is now Yours. I don't want any control over it whatsoever. Because, as I have come to realize, every time I want to make some boy "like" me, it doesn't happen. Because I wasn't made to get some boy to "like" me. That would be Your job. And, clearly, Sir Husband has not arrived yet. And I'm okay with that. More than okay with that. I'm not ready for him yet. We both know that. I get that I probably won't know when I actually am ready for him. But You will. And that's when he'll come and chase me. That's when he'll do things he would never do for any other girl. You'll tell him the time is right just like You'll prep me for him.

God, I'm excited for that. I'm giddy with just the thought of You putting that guy in my life at just the right time. Because, God, I'm so through with chasing the guy. I'm done. Hold me to this promise. Make sure I keep it, or try to. I'm going to a school that's 60% guys and it's a golden opportunity to find my man if I really go looking. But I don't want to go looking. So I won't. I'm going to be...Linley. I'm going to be me who is waiting patiently for her husband to come but I won't be avidly searching for him, looking far and wide. Nope. I'm going to live. And You'll ready him to chase and You'll ready me to be caught.

I'm trusting you with this, God. Because You did it for my parents. Because You did it for my grandparents. Because You've done it for countless other couples who have influence on my life. So here's my box labeled "BOYS" that I haven't ever let you have before. Ta-da! Happy New Year! Merry Christmas! I'm finally giving it up. And, remember, a gift given is a gift given--no returns.

So, God, I wrote this a Pine Cove this summer. And I don't really know why I feel like it applies here. Maybe because I'm Your creation. I don't know. But I just feel like putting it here:

Creation is not only proof that a magnificent God exists, but a testament in itself telling how powerful He is.

So yeah. I don't know why I felt like putting that.

And now, I will pray for Mr. Hubby.

God, You know him. You know him so well. And, hopefully, he knows you too. I don't know where he is. I don't know how old he is. I don't know what he's interested in. I don't know what color his hair is or if he bites his nails. I don't know if he's tight with his siblings or if he even has siblings. I don't know his initials. I know nothing about this guy who I will one day pledge my love to. I'm going to be honest and admit that the last statement freaks me out. But I want You to let him know, somehow, that I'm praying for him. That I already, in a weird sort of way, love him. And, if he recognizes that You're telling him this, that he'll write it down. God, I pray that you bless him and protect him. Prepare his heart to love me like You love me. Give him the discipline to respect You and, therefore, me. Give him a desire to be a Godly man, husband, and (someday) father. God, I love You and I trust You. Amen.

Most humbly,

Linley

Dear college football analysts: Y'ALL ARE STUPID.

I just would like to laugh at everyone who was all, "Yeah, TCU is good but they just won't do well against Big 10/Pack 10/Big 12/other large football district. They just don't have that skill." Or some variation of that statement.

BECAUSE LOOK WHO JUST BEAT A MAJOR UNIVERSITY. Bet you feel stupid now. Well I don't feel bad for you. Ha, ha, and HA. You need to not undermine little teams anymore. Because you might just end up looking like a big, fat idiot.

Though I am officially an Aggie, I was not stopped from wearing my TCU paraphernalia all day. And I just had this gut feeling that they were going to win. My mom claims that she has sports intuition and I'm starting to think that I do too. As weird as that sounds. No, I don't believe in voodoo or whatever--I'm just intuitive. I called my high school team losing to this one team. And that happened. I called TCU beating Wisconsin. And that happened. SO BOOM.

The TCU/Wisconsin game was basically the top defense in the nation against the top offense in the nation. TCU=defensive and Wisconsin=offensive. And just as I suspected, defense came up on top. My philosophy is this: you can score all the touchdowns you can but if you can't stop the other team, your touchdowns don't necessarily help. TCU had a fast, strong defense that stopped the booming offense of Wisconsin. They didn't stop them by much, just two points, but it was enough.

Tank Carder (yep, Tank is his name) had the clutch play of the game. He had a couple sacks, but his amazing play came in the last three minutes. Wisconsin had just scored and needed a two-point conversion to tie up the game. Their tight end was wide open and Gary Patterson (TCU's coach) had called a blitz. Carder is about to power up the middle when he looked up and saw the Wisconsin quarterback pulling back to throw. Then Carder just...jumps. And tips the ball away. Conversion foiled. Two minutes left in the game.

I love Gary Patterson. He's so classy. After every play for the next two minutes, it became obvious that TCU was going to win but they still had some playing time. A couple guys kept coming at Patterson with the gatorade cooler but every time Patterson said, "The game isn't over. Not yet." And they said, "Yes sir." Those players respect him so much. He runs a tight ship and it pays off--clearly. They're respectful and a great team. Of course, Patterson got drenched. And he was losing his voice because he yelled so much. And he looked like he was about to lose it. But he deserves the Rose Bowl win. He built TCU's program from the ground up. And I will always be a fan.

I'm also obsessed with Andy Dalton. OBSESSED. He's a ginger but he's cute and humble and a great football player. I heard this story about him the other day. So this woman was jogging through Fort Worth, near the TCU campus and rolled her ankle. Andy was driving by in his truck and pulled over to ask her if she needed help. She said yes and he took her to her house. When she got home, she told her husband what happened and that this nice young man took her home. She said he'd only told her that his name was Andy. Then the husband said, "Well, did he have red hair?" and the wife exclaims, "Yeah! He did!". Then the husband starts laughing and tells her that she was picked up by the Andy Dalton. What a cutie. Then, when he was interviewed at the end of the game, he recited a verse from 1st Peter. Gosh, what a great guy.

So, TCU, you get a great, big thumbs up from me. Y'all are seriously awesome. GO FROGS!