To love is to risk it all

It's insane how quickly fear crept into my engagement.

Before I had my new piece of jewelry, my biggest fear was loneliness. But when Hayden and I vowed to commit our lives together, my biggest fear switched to losing him.

My mind swirled with possibilities. What if he dies? What if he's in an accident and hurt beyond repair? What if something happens to me? What would I do? How would I handle it? Would he be okay?

I'm 100% confident he won't abandon ship of his own free will. But we can't control accidents. That's why they're called accidents. I realized that loving someone meant you wanted to protect them from anything that could potentially cause them harm.

Loving him is a risk because anything could happen to him. It's the greatest risk I've ever taken. I willfully chose to love him and now I have to accept that the Lord will take care of us, come what may. It hurts to even write those last words. "Come what may." What a weird idea.

This is so different than handing my future over to God or trusting him with money or whatever. This is another person. Someone who I care for deeply, who I love wholly. The idea of him not being with me feels like someone is twisting my gut.

But I've thought of two things to deal with this.

The first is that I cannot live the next lifetime with Hayden in fear that something will happen to him. I cannot protect him from everything–or most things–and thus lose that control to protect myself. His pain hurts me. Living in fear of losing him is no way to live. It's putting all my hope and trust in a human who will fail me somehow. And that's not what I'm called to.

The second is much loftier.

God created mankind with this impossible, incomprehensible love. And we hurt ourselves constantly. We actively fight against him. He saw the part of creation he made in his image being lost to sin. And he wouldn't have it. He sent a rescuer, someone to cast a lifeline to us so we wouldn't be forever separated from Him.

So few people have grabbed onto Jesus. The heart of the Lord aches for his lost children because of his great love for us.

You should know that I feel this way about all my family and friends. Losing any one of them would be devastating. But it hit a high point when Hayden became a solid part of my future.

How do I not live in fear of loss?

Because Christ is enough.

I said yes

Exactly one year ago today, I met my husband.

Obviously, I didn't know that at the time. I'd just gotten my Aggie ring (whoop) and was still absorbing that new addition to my hand--the thought of putting something on the other hand in the near-ish future was foreign and felt unlikely. Being the only one of my best friends who was single, I had decided that finding the guy for me wasn't in the cards for my time at A&M.

I went to my friend's 22nd birthday party with no expectations of anything besides celebrating her.

Which we did. But I also met a guy named Hayden. He had just gotten back from spending a year in Greece as a missionary and was now working for a church in College Station. He was living with another friend's fiancé and had almost not come to the party. His roommate Mark, though, told him that if he (Hayden) came to the party, Mark would find him a wife.

A week later, after having a brief conversation at the party, Hayden asked me on a date. And while many, many things happened between September 20, 2014 and September 20, 2015, you could say the rest is history.

He proposed to me on September 18, 2015. His knee barely touched the ground before I very nearly shouted "YES." Two days later and it still feels like a dream. We have fallen completely in love with each other. We knew that this relationship could only be from the Lord and we try to exemplify his love in every aspect of our lives. He is a good father and a faithful provider.

No, we don't have a date yet. Sometime next summer for sure. Beyond that? You got me. My wedding pinterest board is pretty barren (that website still is a mystery to me). Wedding planning is monster I don't know how to duel with. But Hayden and I are taking a week to just enjoy being engaged.

Frankly, I'm still stunned that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. He's caring and selfless, kind and hilarious, adventurous and relaxed. Neither of us think we deserve the other, but neither of us think we would make it without the other.

Can you tell that I'm still floating around with my head in the clouds?

I'm eager to see our future unfold together. And to become Mrs. Linley Rae Stringer.