I hate apologetics.

So, here's the deal.

One of my best friends in the entire world is a staunch Catholic. And really, it's not a problem at all. He is firm in what he believes, which is essentially what I believe as a protestant, though lately I've been straying away from that word and just saying "Christian" in that the specific title doesn't really need to be mentioned. I say I've grown up Baptist but I'm not going to stick solely to that as I church hop. I'm not going to go to some crazy church that doesn't share my beliefs, but I'm broadening my horizons.

However, tonight I had a major discussion (it wasn't really an argument and not at all a fight) with this friend and we both contradicted ourselves and each other and got confused and annoyed and frustrated. Both of us are good with words and both of us can turn the tide on each other. We're entirely too opinionated and know far too little about the other's walks with Christ. We got too focused on small stuff, like tradition and interpretation. And both of us are agreeing on the same things and not realizing it and therefore capitalizing on the confusion of the other. We are currently on break from said discussion because we weren't getting across what we wanted to say. He thinks he did, but he agrees we need to have more conversation about it.

It's so stupid that we're doing this. We aren't going to change each other's opinion and we aren't going to "convert" the other or ever see eye-to-eye on things like who started the church and who is right and who is wrong. He's being condescending and I don't have enough knowledge about topics that I should know about. We're both at fault.

But what it boils down to is this:

We both believe that Jesus Christ came to save the earth from eternal hell. We both believe that we need a personal relationship with Christ. We both believe that grace and grace alone is the only way to eternity in heaven. We both know that we are forgiven but need to ask for it first. And if this is your true belief, God is not going to give a "flipping crap", as my friend Rachel said, about what church you attended.

What we need to really understand is that the Bible is the Word of God. Anything that the church does that is not in the Bible is not of God. Obviously, you're going to have your crazies who think that the Bible tells them to hold snakes in their hands, but that's an isolated event in which people who have not read the context clues have made their own rules. The Bible and the Church are meant to be practically the same thing.

That being said, the Bible and the Church should go hand-in-hand. But humans have run the church, so it has flaws, hence the Protestant Reformation led by Martin Luther. The Catholic church had fallen from it's roots in some aspects and there were disagreements. Obviously. You can't always take what people say and how they interpret the Bible as truth; you need to dig into it yourself. Be educated about it and learn from those who are masters in it, but also do some digging. Don't just take what church leaders say for fact automatically. Disagree. Get answers. Your church will always have something off, something that isn't entirely Biblical. It's sad, but, unfortunately, it's true. Even the churches who have been around for millennia. There will be answers to questions, but, the point is: are they Biblical? Where do the answers come from? Find out.

There are always going to be contradicting things in theology. Always. Among all the branches separately and within the branches themselves. Someone will always be "wrong". But refer to my paragraph about what we all, as Christians, should believe. That is incontrovertible.

Please do not think that I'm picking sides or bashing the Catholic branch of Christianity, because I am absolutely not. Yes, I'm naturally biased because I am protestant and have had my beliefs officially for the past 20 years but coherently for probably the past 4-5, when I really started digging into my faith. But the fact of the matter is that all Christians should follow Christ passionately and knowledgeably. We should not take our faith as it is. We should challenge it, especially if it's been the same for hundreds of years. We should ask questions, hard questions, and hunt down the answers in the one true book that has the answers. We should know not to take certain aspects, like "take up serpents in their hands" literally and not go around with snakes in our hands.

I can't tell you how to interpret the Bible. That's something you learn from someone who has vastly more knowledge than I do. But I can tell you to read it and to find commentary on it. Be strong. Be smart. And know Christ.

My first college breakdown

So, breakdown.

A long day of being confused and frustrated and trying to hold strong with a near perfect facade. And it all ended with a nonfunctional debit card and tears in front of my best friend who had no idea how to react. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a pro at hiding what I'm feeling? I think so. Several times, actually. But after waiting in a line for an hour to get books only for them to be downstairs and then waiting in that line and then waiting in line to buy them and then my debit card getting rejected, I was pretty much ready to call it quits and head home. Thankfully, the book crisis was worked out (though my debit card is still in question...).

However, when I get really frustrated, I cry. And the whole way back to my dorm room, I was staying strong and holding in the tears. I kept them in for over half an hour. I even was laughing hysterically at one point and was thoroughly confusing my friend.

And then it all just crashed. I started thinking about the fact that I was exhausted and that I didn't have my parents and that I was missing my dad's birthday and how I felt pretty alone. I started crying. And, poor Ben, had no idea what to do. He asked if I needed a hug, if I needed to be alone, if he could do anything. I was embarrassed out of my mind, for one thing. Part of me didn't even know why I was crying but most of me didn't really care. It felt good to cry. I was in a weird mood for a while (freaking Ben out more I'm sure) and not my usual bubbly self. But it passed. And the day got better.

I got some realizations in the midst of my strange sad portion of the day.

The thing is, I really want to be in love. I really want to fall in love and I really want someone to love me. And this has been consuming me. It's constantly been on my mind. But I'm a freshman in college who hasn't even had her first day of classes yet. I don't need a husband, much less a boyfriend. Right now, I just need friends who won't believe me when I lie and tell them I'm okay. I need friends who will stay up and talk about everything with me, and leave nothing off-limits. I want friends who know me.

I also need to be strong in my faith as a daughter of the Lord and strong in myself.

College is a mountain that I can't climb alone.

So I won't.

College post

So I moved to college on Saturday.

I've eaten in the cafeteria, ordered my books, gotten some free food, and stayed up way too late.

Notice something missing?

Yeah, classes haven't even started yet.

I'm not rushing and am bored out of my mind.

Fun fact: if you don't know very many people and don't make plans to hang out with those that you do know until that day, you end up painting your nails and watching a movie all by yourself in your dorm room.

Honestly, I'm feeling completely unproductive right now. I want to be busy. I want classes to start. I want to have to study. I want to go to football games. I want to join the clubs. Just get me out of Krueger and into some social opportunities please.

I know that I could be doing a lot more right now to develop my social skills, like wander around the hall and meet people, but that's just not me. It needs to be me. But it's not. So now I'm sitting in my room hunting for someone to just go get some pizza with when I really want something healthy like strawberries.

College is really not that fun right now. It will get fun. But right now it isn't. I don't want to go home, but I don't want to be here.

So...now what?

THIS IS HAPPENING.

Observations by Linley:

1. I move to college tomorrow.

2. I can eat solid foods now.

3. Oral stitches are the most disgusting things ever.

4. Antibiotics are the second most disgusting things ever. Ew.

5. My room had to get messy to get clean.

6. I came pretty close to crying tonight. Didn't happen, but almost.

7. I'm leaving behind some great friends.

8. Tomorrow, I have to haul tons of stuff up to the fourth floor of a building with no elevators.

9. I'm about to become really good at utilizing spaces.

10. Home chapter is closing tomorrow. Independence opens tomorrow. 

I really didn't want to say, in that last observation, that "life" starts tomorrow with me going to college. Because, let's be honest, life started almost 20 years ago for me. I have been living. I have been getting memories, lessons, experiences, pain, and laughs for the past 19 years. A new part of life is starting, absolutely, but not the whole thing. I'll still remember my times as a "kid" as I step into my next chapter.

So bring it A&M. Bring me new things and teach me to understand old things. Let me grow and learn. Let me make mistakes. Let me laugh and let me cry. Let me win and lose. I'm ready for this new adventure. 

Growing up but staying young, ready or not, here I come. 

Standing on the promises

You're on a mountain.

This mountain is part of a rather large range and you can distinctly see one end of it (behind you) but, if you look ahead, the range just seems to go on and on. But what you can see is truly beautiful. The peaks are shrouded in clouds and there are lush, green forests all over the place. The view from the summit that you're on is breathtaking and you're just soaking it all up.

It literally feels like you're on top of the world.

But you aren't alone.

You see, Jesus is up there with you on that summit. In face, He is the very reason you got to the top. Without Him, you still would be motionlessly and ineffectively spinning your wheels in the mud at the bottom of the mountain.

You think about how Jesus carried you, pushed you, coached you, led you, and walked, crawled, and ran with you up this mountain.

Looking down the path you took, you can see the remains of the struggles you went through to get to the top. You see that spot towards the base where you fought with some creature and finally, after almost losing the fight, let Jesus take over. You see the fork in the path that you were so torn and indecisive about that you sat there and cried because you didn't have any idea what to do. Until, that is, you finally looked to your side and saw Jesus just waiting for you to ask for help. More towards the middle of the mountain was a dark forest where you forged ahead and got completely lost. But when you spun around, looking to go back, you saw Jesus, ready to guide. And then there was that last stretch. It was steep and long and you were so exhausted. You almost lost your grip more times than you could count. But Jesus was always there, give you a boost, hauling you up, making sure you knew that you had help and that you didn't have to climb mountains on your own. You really don't have to do anything on your own, actually.

So there you were. On the mountain. Feeling like royalty with the greatest Savior you have. And, frankly, the only savior you have.

You turn around and see the other side of the mountain. It's steep and jagged. You do not, after all you just went through to get to the top, want to have to go all the way back down.

But you know that you have to. You'd accomplished this peak. It was time to start trying to tackle another.

"We have to go down, don't we?" you ask Jesus, just to make sure. Even though you know the answer, you just need Him to confirm.

"Yes, we do," He replies.

You take another look down and swallow hard. You're already scraped and scarred from the journey up. What will going down be like?

"I'm scared," you admit.

"I know. But look how far we've come," He says and gestures back to where you came from, the path up and the other mountains.

"Stay with me," you whisper.

He extends his scarred hand to you. "Always."


"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Wisdom teeth post op

So it's the tail end of Tuesday after I went under the knife.

But let's start at the beginning of Monday, shall we?

I started crying on the way to the office because I was so dreading what was about to happen. Call it dramatic or unreasonable, but I was terrified. It was not my idea of a great end to the summer and the very thought of an IV putting me to sleep so they could make my life miserable for the next few days was not at all exciting.

I went into the office and they laid me down and took my blood pressure and hooked up some monitors to my chest and ribs. Then they gave me the relaxing gas and I was trying really hard to just chill out and breathe. The medicine helped, but I still really aware of what was about to happen. Then they put the IV in. I remember the prick and thinking "That wasn't bad" and then I was sound asleep.

When I woke up, apparently the nursed asked if I was seeing double (I wasn't...though I don't remember saying that). I vaguely remember stumbling out to the car and being in the passenger seat at Whataburger while my mom got me a shake. I was feeling my chin, or trying to, and being really goofy and then told my mom to stop laughing at me.

What was awful was that I knew what was going on when I got inside my house. I don't remember actually getting into my house, but I remember being really frustrated because I couldn't vocalized what I wanted because my mouth was all numb and gauzed up. I basically couldn't feel anything within the space below my eyes and above my neck. Slowly, the numbness went down throughout the day until I had total feeling and no gauze (it was a long process).

I slept a lot that day and ate a bunch of ice cream. I managed some mashed potatoes (I was starving) and then conked back out and stumbled upstairs to get in my own bed.

Today I was more mobil. I had some rice and ice cream and pudding. I started college packing and wrote a few thank you cards. I cleaned a little. Mostly, I watched TV and was on Facebook. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. It still hurts to smile and my face looks like a giant puffball (my left side more than my right though...we aren't sure why). Hopefully all the swelling will be gone by tomorrow. Food is becoming a little easier, but I felt my stitches today and kind of freaked out. Gross.

Basically, I'm ready for all this to be over. And it's only day two. Yuck. I can't even yawn without my jaw hurting. Now that's just pathetic.

Wisdom teeth

Here's my question to God: Why?

I repeat: WHY, GOD, WHY?

I get my wisdom teeth out at 9:50 on August 15th. I'm not allowed to eat normal food for another week. I'm going to be knocked out and operated on. I'm going to drool and not feel my face for the rest of the day. I'm going to say really stupid things while on the drugs, definitely embarrassing myself. I'm going to be incapable of being normal for who knows how long. I'll have to sleep sitting up. The last week before I go to college. Of course.

Everyone keeps telling me how great it is. It's fun to be all goofy on the drugs. Being waited on is wonderful. Having an excuse to eat only ice cream and pudding is a gift from the heavens.

But is no one normal? Is no one freaked out at all by having people go into your mouth and take out teeth while you are completely unconscious? Who knows what could go wrong! What if they break my jaw or something? What if I don't wake up?

What if I die when they're trying to pull teeth?

I'm not a squeamish person normally. But when I was walked through the procedure at my consultation, I almost fainted. Like, I needed water and to be fanned and was all pale. So that was embarrassing. I get that they're going to give me laughing gas so it'll feel like I'm floating and I'll be asleep before I know it, but they still might have to give me Valium or something to make me chill out. Just thinking about it scares me. Maybe I've heard too many horror stories about dry sockets and bloody gauze, but my dad might have to drag me out the door to get me to go.

I so do not want to do this.

Please don't make me do this.

Let me stay wise.

So much angst.

Busier than a bee in the springtime

Hi. I should be doing a number of things right now instead of blogging.

I should be cleaning my room.

I should be getting cash for the weekend.

I should be making sure the rest of my house is clean before it's invaded by an undetermined number of middle school girls.

I should be throwing my pillowcases in the dryer so freshen up a little bit.

I should be helping my sister put the sheets back on her bed.

Am I doing any of things these? Nope. I'm blogging. And, honestly, the only thing productive about blogging right now is that I get myself to actually breathe for a few minutes. But sometimes it's just better to hold your breath.

On another note, my life has gotten marginally better since the August 1st post ("Ugh"). I'm no longer sick. I found out where my parking lot is but I still don't ever recall paying for it. My room still needs work. I got a haircut and made a major dent in the dorm shopping. I have a solution to the lack of wifi in my dorm. I don't need to find a replacement babysitter. I have some cute clothes. I'm not in need of Ibuprofen at the moment. I'm making strides in my book, but it still won't be finished before school starts. I can't really change the weather but I'm getting used to the heat.

Okay, so it might not sounds that much better, but not being sick is a huge improvement.

However, my life is about to go ballistic. Tonight I'm hosting a middle school girls sleepover at my house that I have to get everything ready for and clean up after. Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my best friend who I won't see again until October. Tomorrow afternoon I'm driving down to College Station with a friend for fish camp. I have to make a list of things I need my parents to get while I'm at fish camp for the next week. I have to go to the bank. I need to finish cleaning the house/my room. When I get home from fish camp, I go to a family group party that night (my last thing remotely associated with VRBC). The next day, I get my wisdom teeth out. And on Saturday the 20th, I make sure all my stuff is packed and drive down to college.

Yeah. It's all happening that fast. I'm scared. I'm excited, but I'm scared.

Ready or not, here I come.

Justin Bieber

I'm not on the bandwagon of crazy. I do not loathe him. I do not love him. I think he is very talented and has catchy music that you can sing to easily (best for nights with friends in the car with the windows rolled down).

But let me say this: I am slowly falling in love with Selena Gomez's man.

Before I saw the movie, the craze was in full swing and I thought it was extremely overrated. I didn't dislike him; I just was ready to stop hearing about Justin Bieber. Like I said, nothing against him at all. It was one of those things where I didn't like the principal of the obsession. I stopped liking the Twilight books so much when everyone went stark mad about them when the movie came out. Same kind of deal pre-Never Say Never.

After I saw the movie, I got an immense amount of respect for him. He is outrageously talented with a crazy clear voice. He's...normal. He has divorced parents. He still has his best friends from his "undiscovered" days. He doesn't have any weird piercings. He doesn't do drugs or drink (to my knowledge). He fights for a cause. He's relatable. He had humble beginnings. He's passionate about life.

Justin Bieber is refreshing, frankly. Of course, all of America is holding their breath for him to mess up and be seriously scrutinized. But from what I see in magazines and his movie, he isn't on the track for destruction. If he died, I wouldn't just say, "Oh, what a shame. Predictable, but a shame" like I did for Amy Winehouse. Unfortunately, our society is so used to screwed up public figures that when someone who is normal but has spectacular musical talent comes along, we either become obsessed with him or we turn away, wondering when he'll let us down too.

I'm not waiting for Biebs to mess up like I am with so many other celebrities. I'm waiting to see what else he's going to do and where else he's going to go.

No, I'm not in love with him. You won't see me pining for tickets to his next concert or going out or buying a bunch of his clothes or his new scent. But, sure, I'm a fan. Label me that. I'm good with it.

And, like Justin Bieber, I just need somebody to love.

Itching to write with nothing to say

So I've gone to my blog about 10 times today and stared at the "new post" button every time. I want to write but I literally have nothing important to say. I will now list off a bunch of exceedingly random things that pop into my head over the next ten or so minutes and call it a blog post. Bear with me.

I'm listening to Switchfoot's new single "Dark Horses" off of their upcoming album "Vice Verses" due out on September 27th. The song is excellent, probably one of their best, right up there with "Dare You To Move". Almost, but not quite.

I have a pounding headache and my stomach feels bad. My cough is getting worse. And I go out of town in 4 days.

I haven't spoken to one of my best friends in a few days. Weird.

I really should be going to bed now. But I'm not.

"Dark Horses" is really good. Go check it out.

Switchfoot is seriously genius. I love them passionately.

It is so weird to think that I go to college in 17 days. When did I get this old?

I'm hungry but I can't eat because my stomach feels bad and food is not nearly as good the second time around...if you know what I mean.

I love driving because I can jam to my music.

I made a playlist for my book that I'm writing that won't be finished anytime soon because I'm in a slump.

I need to start packing for fish camp/impact/college.

My room still looks like a store barfed all over it.

Aghhhhh my head hurts.

I get my haircut tomorrow. I'm not doing anything interesting with it. I think I want to grow it out.

I tried to paint my nails this edgy electric blue color but it looked terrible so I took it off and now there's blue nail polish in my cuticles.

How am I supposed to part with all my books for college? Did you know that there isn't enough room to bring my vast collection of book to school? Whose idea was it to make dorm rooms so small?

Okay. I'm going to bed now. I hope this post of nothing entertained you.

Ugh.

Thorns in my side:

1. My impending illness (sore throat, headaches, lack of appetite, headache, weakness)

2. The fact that the lot that I now have a permit for at A&M seemingly does not exist. 

3. I have not paid for said lot but I have a permit for it. What?

4. My room looks like a store threw up in it. 

5. I only have 2 more weeks to get my wisdom teeth out, get a hair cut, get all my dorm stuff, to say goodbye to everyone, and to get all my school supplies.

6. I recently found out that my dorm does not have wifi. 

7. I have to find a replacement babysitter for the family I've been nannying all summer by Friday.

8. I still need to go clothes shopping because my current wardrobe will find me no cute boys in College Station.

9. Ibuprofen does not, in fact, stop all headaches. 

10. I've started reading 3 books this summer and have not finished any of them.

11. I will not have the book I've been writing finished by the time I go to school. Consider that goal a fail. 

12. The lowest high temperature for the week is 106. I like heat, but I don't like feeling as if my buns are going to burn off.

So, I'll leave off with this and hope I get some sleep tonight.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7