My first college breakdown

So, breakdown.

A long day of being confused and frustrated and trying to hold strong with a near perfect facade. And it all ended with a nonfunctional debit card and tears in front of my best friend who had no idea how to react. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a pro at hiding what I'm feeling? I think so. Several times, actually. But after waiting in a line for an hour to get books only for them to be downstairs and then waiting in that line and then waiting in line to buy them and then my debit card getting rejected, I was pretty much ready to call it quits and head home. Thankfully, the book crisis was worked out (though my debit card is still in question...).

However, when I get really frustrated, I cry. And the whole way back to my dorm room, I was staying strong and holding in the tears. I kept them in for over half an hour. I even was laughing hysterically at one point and was thoroughly confusing my friend.

And then it all just crashed. I started thinking about the fact that I was exhausted and that I didn't have my parents and that I was missing my dad's birthday and how I felt pretty alone. I started crying. And, poor Ben, had no idea what to do. He asked if I needed a hug, if I needed to be alone, if he could do anything. I was embarrassed out of my mind, for one thing. Part of me didn't even know why I was crying but most of me didn't really care. It felt good to cry. I was in a weird mood for a while (freaking Ben out more I'm sure) and not my usual bubbly self. But it passed. And the day got better.

I got some realizations in the midst of my strange sad portion of the day.

The thing is, I really want to be in love. I really want to fall in love and I really want someone to love me. And this has been consuming me. It's constantly been on my mind. But I'm a freshman in college who hasn't even had her first day of classes yet. I don't need a husband, much less a boyfriend. Right now, I just need friends who won't believe me when I lie and tell them I'm okay. I need friends who will stay up and talk about everything with me, and leave nothing off-limits. I want friends who know me.

I also need to be strong in my faith as a daughter of the Lord and strong in myself.

College is a mountain that I can't climb alone.

So I won't.