You guys. I know I make this joke every year, but I'm actually serious this time: I'm old.
So, per tradition, and I'll try not to sound crazy unoriginal, here are 23 things that I have come to know as true over the past 23 years.
1. If you find friends who will love you at your worst, keep them around. There's nothing like them.
2. Healing hurts. But it's necessary, and you find that you have come out better than you went in.
3. Sometimes the officiating at a football game can be the worst, and it's embarrassing how angry you get at it.
4. That being said, there's nothing quite like Saturday college football game days
5. Thankfulness is something that I don't think about nearly enough.
6. It IS possible to write a 15 page paper in 3 days. But I wouldn't recommend it.
7. People are funny. And crazy. And terrifying.
8. The unknown future isn't a bad thing. Because, really, the truth of the matter is that the Lord knows what's next--my knowledge of it is unimportant
9. Right after college is the perfect time to go explore a hundred different options
10. Math is the worst. 10 points to you if you, somehow, enjoy it
11. There are some textbooks that are enjoyable to read (which is not something I ever thought I would say/write).
12. Change is tough.
13. Change is exciting.
14. It is incredible how the Bible, from beginning to end, is covered in the Gospel.
15. The Lord works in surprising ways. And still maintains a strong sense of humor.
16. It is possible to keep your cool when there's a tornado headed your way and you're in charge of 8 pre-teens. Mostly because of Jesus.
17. Louisa May Alcott--you know, the author of Little Women--had a surprising dark side.
18. Having a "hard" semester is not synonymous with having a "bad" semester.
19. Working at a camp was simultaneously the most overwhelming and most peaceful experience of my college career.
20. My last year at Impact was my best year with Impact.
21. Sometimes you just have to go to a live music concert in Austin to see what all the hoopla is about
22. I have the best roommates ever. They show me what love, patience, and grace is every day.
23. I may not know where I'll be in six months, and I may not be 100% okay with that, but it's not something I will let myself stress about. Because I've got a God who is bigger than me.
Sorry if those were redundant. But that about wraps up what's been on my mind recently/the last 23 years. Thanks, and gig 'em.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
The Open Hand
I was told recently that I "live life with an open hand". Translation: I surrender my circumstances and trust that the Lord will take care of me.
If only that were true all the time. Or even most of the time.
Throughout the spring semester, I learned what it means to grip my world with an iron fist, to hold on so tight that my nails dig into my palms. And it hurt. Then it hurt even worse when almost all of the things that I was clutching to so tightly were ripped away from me. The Lord left me with what I needed to keep my head above water: Himself, family, and close friends. Everything else he reclaimed as his own because I 100% refused to give it to him.
Because I am crazy selfish and try to control my world.
Which, interestingly enough, is impossible to actually execute.
So this semester, having began to heal from the destruction of the spring, I decided that those were some scars that I wasn't keen on reopening. This semester would be different. I would define the fall by surrender--something I am not exceptional at. And, by some miracle, it's sort of happened.
I keep marching towards graduation, and I am continuously wondering what my next step is. A little clarity there, a little fogginess there. On my path of life (the cliche is overwhelming and I'm sorry), I have very, very limited visibility. I don't think that's an accident, either. The planner/control freak in me is panicked at every turn, but it flares up and dies, like a quick summer storm, rather than weathering me down day after brutal day.
I will not let myself be brought down by things I cannot control.
Because I have somehow had a pretty peaceful semester. There haven't been many breakdowns, virtually no conflict, and a lot of doors that I didn't expect have been swung open for me. This might be one of the first times in my life where I can look at where I was a few months ago and examine where I am now and see the visible change and growth in such a small time frame.
8 months ago, I was an utter disaster. But that was the Lord refining me, molding me, melting down the pride, pulling out the insecurities, remaking me. He makes all things new (2 Corinthians 5:17), and I am no exception to that. And it is only by the power of Jesus Christ that I can accept my insufficient attributes and trust that he will still take care of me.
I am fully known, and fully loved. And it is only through the opening of my hands to the only one who is capable of handling my mess that I will find wholeness and peace.
If only that were true all the time. Or even most of the time.
Throughout the spring semester, I learned what it means to grip my world with an iron fist, to hold on so tight that my nails dig into my palms. And it hurt. Then it hurt even worse when almost all of the things that I was clutching to so tightly were ripped away from me. The Lord left me with what I needed to keep my head above water: Himself, family, and close friends. Everything else he reclaimed as his own because I 100% refused to give it to him.
Because I am crazy selfish and try to control my world.
Which, interestingly enough, is impossible to actually execute.
So this semester, having began to heal from the destruction of the spring, I decided that those were some scars that I wasn't keen on reopening. This semester would be different. I would define the fall by surrender--something I am not exceptional at. And, by some miracle, it's sort of happened.
I keep marching towards graduation, and I am continuously wondering what my next step is. A little clarity there, a little fogginess there. On my path of life (the cliche is overwhelming and I'm sorry), I have very, very limited visibility. I don't think that's an accident, either. The planner/control freak in me is panicked at every turn, but it flares up and dies, like a quick summer storm, rather than weathering me down day after brutal day.
I will not let myself be brought down by things I cannot control.
Because I have somehow had a pretty peaceful semester. There haven't been many breakdowns, virtually no conflict, and a lot of doors that I didn't expect have been swung open for me. This might be one of the first times in my life where I can look at where I was a few months ago and examine where I am now and see the visible change and growth in such a small time frame.
8 months ago, I was an utter disaster. But that was the Lord refining me, molding me, melting down the pride, pulling out the insecurities, remaking me. He makes all things new (2 Corinthians 5:17), and I am no exception to that. And it is only by the power of Jesus Christ that I can accept my insufficient attributes and trust that he will still take care of me.
I am fully known, and fully loved. And it is only through the opening of my hands to the only one who is capable of handling my mess that I will find wholeness and peace.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
The Great Job Search and Ecclesiastes
Because I'm a senior, I finally made my resume (couldn't figure out how to get the accent on those e's) the other day and had the official Texas A&M career center assess the situation. Turns out, being an English major has significantly helped me in using action verbs because I managed to make my professional career sound, well, professional.
This document has everything I have ever accomplished in my life that a potential employer could want or need to know. Which is kind of a weird concept, especially because I'm starting to send it out to people. Like a real grown up person. Because it's October, and I have seven months before A&M pushes me into the the world. Seven months, you guys. That's not very long.
So of course, I've started to kind of panic about "the future" (whatever that even means) and the fact that I need a job because that's what you do after college.
And it initially wasn't helping that my church is currently going through Ecclesiastes. Summary of chapters 1-2: everything is meaningless. Thanks for that, Solomon. How uplifting.
But today was a game-changer. About halfway through chapter 2, we hit the point that talks about work. And I know we've all heard the verse from 1 Corinthians about doing everything as if for the Lord, but way before Paul penned that, Solomon was telling us the same thing. Maybe in not so nice terms, but it was the same message.
We work for the Lord. Why? Because we are called to do everything to glorify Him because without his grace and his redemption and his love, we have absolutely nothing. We all know that the world is a broken, messed-up place, and when we are our most honest with ourselves, we realize that living with a "me" focused attitude is ultimately dissatisfying and disappointing.
We crave purpose. The need to work for something. But if we work for the world, those things stay in the world. We can't take them to the grave because that's useless. We can provide for our future generations, but the issue with material things is that they eventually lose value.
So why go on this scatterbrained soapbox? Because trying to find a job just so I don't have to move back into my pink bedroom with my parents isn't a good enough motivator to find a job. Nor is the need to look successful, to have something under my belt. I should be job searching because I have been given skills that I can use to spread the Gospel. Skills that the Lord gave me so that I might better share his name.
My motivations will fall and get twisted and I'llprobably definitely have another panic about the future, but as long as I am aware that the Lord will set work in front of me to proclaim who he is, I'm going to make it.
And, as everyone seems to be telling me lately, it's all going to be okay.
This document has everything I have ever accomplished in my life that a potential employer could want or need to know. Which is kind of a weird concept, especially because I'm starting to send it out to people. Like a real grown up person. Because it's October, and I have seven months before A&M pushes me into the the world. Seven months, you guys. That's not very long.
So of course, I've started to kind of panic about "the future" (whatever that even means) and the fact that I need a job because that's what you do after college.
And it initially wasn't helping that my church is currently going through Ecclesiastes. Summary of chapters 1-2: everything is meaningless. Thanks for that, Solomon. How uplifting.
But today was a game-changer. About halfway through chapter 2, we hit the point that talks about work. And I know we've all heard the verse from 1 Corinthians about doing everything as if for the Lord, but way before Paul penned that, Solomon was telling us the same thing. Maybe in not so nice terms, but it was the same message.
We work for the Lord. Why? Because we are called to do everything to glorify Him because without his grace and his redemption and his love, we have absolutely nothing. We all know that the world is a broken, messed-up place, and when we are our most honest with ourselves, we realize that living with a "me" focused attitude is ultimately dissatisfying and disappointing.
We crave purpose. The need to work for something. But if we work for the world, those things stay in the world. We can't take them to the grave because that's useless. We can provide for our future generations, but the issue with material things is that they eventually lose value.
So why go on this scatterbrained soapbox? Because trying to find a job just so I don't have to move back into my pink bedroom with my parents isn't a good enough motivator to find a job. Nor is the need to look successful, to have something under my belt. I should be job searching because I have been given skills that I can use to spread the Gospel. Skills that the Lord gave me so that I might better share his name.
My motivations will fall and get twisted and I'll
And, as everyone seems to be telling me lately, it's all going to be okay.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Bitter to blessed
The old, trite tale is back. I was turned down from something that I really wanted. And I was mad. And disappointed. And frustrated. But I think the strongest emotion that I felt was the embarrassing pain of my pride being crushed.
Because I haven't been turned down from something that I really wanted since freshman year. And while that year sang the bitter tune of feeling rejected, I have not had to experience it since that year. So I was overdue for a good gut check. The pride I have to constantly wage war against started creeping in the cracks of my heart, and I didn't notice until the Lord had to rip it out. Which hurt.
There were a good few days were I was just really bitter against my situation. It wasn't just that I had been turned down from something that I was so confident that I would get--it was the fact that I had allowed myself to become way too overly confident, to forget the tough lessons I learned my freshman year. I had thought that those lessons would always stick with me for a good long time.
But I'm a person with a heart who tries to beat for Jesus but gets distracted with everything else in the world.
And it filled the cracks pride had held with bitterness.
Then I went to Bible study on Sunday. And we talked about Naomi.
Now this is one homegirl who had cause to be bitter because she lost all the important men in her life and was left with her two daughter-in-laws. She returned to her homeland angry, explaining that she had left full but the Lord took everything she had. She asked people to call her Mara, which means bitter (for those of you who haven't read Redeeming Love). It was devastation for her. It was a loss of everything she held dear.
She reacted like any human would react.
But in doing so, she shunned any potential blessing that the Lord could put on her because she would reject it. She was not available, not in the right state, to recognize that she was being blessed.
Things started to change though. Ruth was put in a position to be blessed by way of Boaz. So Naomi began to reap the benefits of being fed and cared for. She started to move away from the bitterness and into a state of mind where she could see the Lord for who he actually is.
Don't get me wrong, I am by no means comparing myself to Naomi. But I am saying that by assessing my bitterness and putting it into a larger perspective, I am able to see that it 1. doesn't and should determine my actions and 2. there is a love and hope far greater than my shortcomings that is more than sufficient to turn my bitterness to joy.
Because I haven't been turned down from something that I really wanted since freshman year. And while that year sang the bitter tune of feeling rejected, I have not had to experience it since that year. So I was overdue for a good gut check. The pride I have to constantly wage war against started creeping in the cracks of my heart, and I didn't notice until the Lord had to rip it out. Which hurt.
There were a good few days were I was just really bitter against my situation. It wasn't just that I had been turned down from something that I was so confident that I would get--it was the fact that I had allowed myself to become way too overly confident, to forget the tough lessons I learned my freshman year. I had thought that those lessons would always stick with me for a good long time.
But I'm a person with a heart who tries to beat for Jesus but gets distracted with everything else in the world.
And it filled the cracks pride had held with bitterness.
Then I went to Bible study on Sunday. And we talked about Naomi.
Now this is one homegirl who had cause to be bitter because she lost all the important men in her life and was left with her two daughter-in-laws. She returned to her homeland angry, explaining that she had left full but the Lord took everything she had. She asked people to call her Mara, which means bitter (for those of you who haven't read Redeeming Love). It was devastation for her. It was a loss of everything she held dear.
She reacted like any human would react.
But in doing so, she shunned any potential blessing that the Lord could put on her because she would reject it. She was not available, not in the right state, to recognize that she was being blessed.
Things started to change though. Ruth was put in a position to be blessed by way of Boaz. So Naomi began to reap the benefits of being fed and cared for. She started to move away from the bitterness and into a state of mind where she could see the Lord for who he actually is.
Don't get me wrong, I am by no means comparing myself to Naomi. But I am saying that by assessing my bitterness and putting it into a larger perspective, I am able to see that it 1. doesn't and should determine my actions and 2. there is a love and hope far greater than my shortcomings that is more than sufficient to turn my bitterness to joy.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
I blinked
It's August of 2014.
Another month in another year that will tack onto all the other months and years that have come before it, and a predecessor to many more months and years after.
But this month is right before my senior year of college. In my current state, it is the last year of school I will know. Current state being I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT. It could very well mean that I'll go to grad school and study something, I could go to seminary, I could do a fellowship program, maybe get a real person job...the list goes on and on and on. Because the post-grad life in the 21st century isn't just the metaphorical oyster that everyone seems to reference--it is the great, wide unknown.
In which Hillsong says that "feet may fail" in this great unknown. I have a tendency for changing that lyric to "feet will fail".
Because over the last 3 years, I've done a lot of that. Failing, I mean.
The moments of rejection that knocked me on my face. The moments of loneliness where I felt unknown. The moments of being lost, having no earthly idea of what I was doing. When life backed me deep into a corner, a Harry Potter-sized broom closet. The scrapes, the bruises, the broken times that all come when you live.
And there were a lot of times where the process of brushing myself off to keep running (or crawling or climbing or whatever) was too daunting. A feat much too grand for me to comprehend, much less accomplish. That the idea of mending the broken pieces and continuing with the stints and stitches still in place seemed like it would hurt a heck of a lot more than it was worth. Giving up, falling out, moving away all appeared to be a more sensible, less painful option.
Yet here I am. 18 days from the beginning of the end (to be deeply dramatic about it).
I'm finding myself cherishing those painful moments. Having no regrets because while those were all so tough to get through, I'm on the other side. Not only surviving, but thriving.
This isn't because I'm a champion woman who has her life worked out to the T (reference back to the all caps in paragraph 3). This is because I have been gently carried, loudly talked to, and been pulled kicking and screaming through my college career (and all the other years before). The Lord has been a presence who has known exactly what I needed and when I needed it. There is no avoiding that. I'm being worked on every single day by a powerful God who refuses to let his children suffer in vain and wants better for them than a dark corner to wallow in.
He is the only reason I was called out of my cave and into his light, capable of following a path that is meant to glorify Him. It's all because of his love that I can do any of this.
I have no doubt that senior year is going to be another wild, unbelievable, tough climb.
Not sure when it got here, not looking forward to how fast it's going to go, but it's going to happen. And I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Another month in another year that will tack onto all the other months and years that have come before it, and a predecessor to many more months and years after.
But this month is right before my senior year of college. In my current state, it is the last year of school I will know. Current state being I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT. It could very well mean that I'll go to grad school and study something, I could go to seminary, I could do a fellowship program, maybe get a real person job...the list goes on and on and on. Because the post-grad life in the 21st century isn't just the metaphorical oyster that everyone seems to reference--it is the great, wide unknown.
In which Hillsong says that "feet may fail" in this great unknown. I have a tendency for changing that lyric to "feet will fail".
Because over the last 3 years, I've done a lot of that. Failing, I mean.
The moments of rejection that knocked me on my face. The moments of loneliness where I felt unknown. The moments of being lost, having no earthly idea of what I was doing. When life backed me deep into a corner, a Harry Potter-sized broom closet. The scrapes, the bruises, the broken times that all come when you live.
And there were a lot of times where the process of brushing myself off to keep running (or crawling or climbing or whatever) was too daunting. A feat much too grand for me to comprehend, much less accomplish. That the idea of mending the broken pieces and continuing with the stints and stitches still in place seemed like it would hurt a heck of a lot more than it was worth. Giving up, falling out, moving away all appeared to be a more sensible, less painful option.
Yet here I am. 18 days from the beginning of the end (to be deeply dramatic about it).
I'm finding myself cherishing those painful moments. Having no regrets because while those were all so tough to get through, I'm on the other side. Not only surviving, but thriving.
This isn't because I'm a champion woman who has her life worked out to the T (reference back to the all caps in paragraph 3). This is because I have been gently carried, loudly talked to, and been pulled kicking and screaming through my college career (and all the other years before). The Lord has been a presence who has known exactly what I needed and when I needed it. There is no avoiding that. I'm being worked on every single day by a powerful God who refuses to let his children suffer in vain and wants better for them than a dark corner to wallow in.
He is the only reason I was called out of my cave and into his light, capable of following a path that is meant to glorify Him. It's all because of his love that I can do any of this.
I have no doubt that senior year is going to be another wild, unbelievable, tough climb.
Not sure when it got here, not looking forward to how fast it's going to go, but it's going to happen. And I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Hebrews 10
Tonight I had the immeasurable pleasure to sit down with some wonderful women and study the Bible together. We read Hebrews 10, which is a book of the Bible I almost never dive into even though it's great.
The verses I was assigned to read more intensely were 8-14.
Here it is:
When he said above, “You have neither desired nor taken pleasure in sacrifices and offerings and burnt offerings and sin offerings” (these are offered according to the law), 9 then he added, “Behold, I have come to do your will.” He does away with the first in order to establish the second. 10 And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.
11 And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. 12 But when Christ[b] had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, 13 waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. 14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.
And here was my response (that was 100% the Lord because my brain was a little fried when I wrote it).
This is the distinction between the Old Testament and the new. The Jewish sacrifices were the manner of reconciliation before Jesus, they are voided once Jesus paid the price for everything. God not desiring or taking pleasure in the old sacrifices was because He knew that a more permanent and all-encompassing price was needed. The ransom of mankind was too big to ride on the back of a goat (though a donkey would suffice).
The purpose of Jesus was to be the end-all, be-all atonement, to null the needs of the past, to be the final statement, the last word on the matter of sin and death. This wasn't anything a priest and a clean lamb could do. This was for every human to ever life. Our salvation no longer sits in a temple with men who habitually commit the same ritual day by day. It is bought by one man who had the power to be 100% perfect and yet take on the sins of literally billions of people once and for all. There is no ignoring or discrediting this solid truth.
There was one man. There only needed to be one payment from him. And now we must sit and be in awe of a God who loved us too much to be content with bringing home his children with something worth less than his children. So he had to send someone who was worth exponentially more.
The verses I was assigned to read more intensely were 8-14.
Here it is:
When he said above, “You have neither desired nor taken pleasure in sacrifices and offerings and burnt offerings and sin offerings” (these are offered according to the law), 9 then he added, “Behold, I have come to do your will.” He does away with the first in order to establish the second. 10 And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.
11 And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. 12 But when Christ[b] had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, 13 waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. 14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.
And here was my response (that was 100% the Lord because my brain was a little fried when I wrote it).
This is the distinction between the Old Testament and the new. The Jewish sacrifices were the manner of reconciliation before Jesus, they are voided once Jesus paid the price for everything. God not desiring or taking pleasure in the old sacrifices was because He knew that a more permanent and all-encompassing price was needed. The ransom of mankind was too big to ride on the back of a goat (though a donkey would suffice).
The purpose of Jesus was to be the end-all, be-all atonement, to null the needs of the past, to be the final statement, the last word on the matter of sin and death. This wasn't anything a priest and a clean lamb could do. This was for every human to ever life. Our salvation no longer sits in a temple with men who habitually commit the same ritual day by day. It is bought by one man who had the power to be 100% perfect and yet take on the sins of literally billions of people once and for all. There is no ignoring or discrediting this solid truth.
There was one man. There only needed to be one payment from him. And now we must sit and be in awe of a God who loved us too much to be content with bringing home his children with something worth less than his children. So he had to send someone who was worth exponentially more.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Unspeakable Joy
On Thursday night, the Texas Hill Country was hit with very Texas-esque weather: beautiful during the day, torrential storm at night. Tornadoes touched the ground 20 miles east of camp, and there were intense thunderstorms coming through camp.
And when you're in charge of 8 girls between the ages of 10 and 12, you are fully aware that the time during the storm will be spent giving many hugs and hushing tears.
We migrated from our nightly activities to the big gym towards the edge of camp grounds for cover, and told our campers that it's not a big deal--we just want to stay out of the storm. They all begged to go to the dorm, but my co-counselor and I made up lame excuses about why we couldn't go back.
There were two terrifying moments that night: when the directors told us tornadoes had touched the ground near us, and when our male director whistled to signal us to get everyone in the bathrooms because the weather was bad enough.
Everything in me wanted to burst into tears and to hunker down somewhere safe. My co and I both had wild looks in our eyes before we had to swallow the fear, count our ducklings, and move them into the bathroom. Immediately, 3 of them started bawling. Two more were on the verge of tears.
I'm not a mom, not anywhere close to being a mom, but the Lord 100% equipped me to be strong for them during those 30 minutes in the bathroom. With flickering lights and claps of thunder, the other girl counselors and I pulled out every camp song we knew, trying to keep the girls under control and keeping the panic away.
And despite the chaos, I found myself laughing and dancing. Keeping the girls calm and myself joyful during this time was of the utmost importance. It was supernatural. It was all Jesus. By the time we were released from the bathroom--no tornadoes hit camp--everyone was a little bit more tired and really sweaty. We watched a movie while the rest of the storm faded away.
Thursday was absolutely nuts. The Lord definitely provided the protection and joyful spirit that we needed to make it through the storm.
But it's also cool to say that I took cover at camp during a tornado.
And when you're in charge of 8 girls between the ages of 10 and 12, you are fully aware that the time during the storm will be spent giving many hugs and hushing tears.
We migrated from our nightly activities to the big gym towards the edge of camp grounds for cover, and told our campers that it's not a big deal--we just want to stay out of the storm. They all begged to go to the dorm, but my co-counselor and I made up lame excuses about why we couldn't go back.
There were two terrifying moments that night: when the directors told us tornadoes had touched the ground near us, and when our male director whistled to signal us to get everyone in the bathrooms because the weather was bad enough.
Everything in me wanted to burst into tears and to hunker down somewhere safe. My co and I both had wild looks in our eyes before we had to swallow the fear, count our ducklings, and move them into the bathroom. Immediately, 3 of them started bawling. Two more were on the verge of tears.
I'm not a mom, not anywhere close to being a mom, but the Lord 100% equipped me to be strong for them during those 30 minutes in the bathroom. With flickering lights and claps of thunder, the other girl counselors and I pulled out every camp song we knew, trying to keep the girls under control and keeping the panic away.
And despite the chaos, I found myself laughing and dancing. Keeping the girls calm and myself joyful during this time was of the utmost importance. It was supernatural. It was all Jesus. By the time we were released from the bathroom--no tornadoes hit camp--everyone was a little bit more tired and really sweaty. We watched a movie while the rest of the storm faded away.
Thursday was absolutely nuts. The Lord definitely provided the protection and joyful spirit that we needed to make it through the storm.
But it's also cool to say that I took cover at camp during a tornado.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Camp
Howdy readers.
Firstly, I'm sorry that my blog game has been off for, like, a year at this point. Life is busy, yes, but not so busy that I can't post. MY BAD Y'ALL.
I've been at a camp for the last two weeks. Meaning I have been trained to send kids down a cable wearing a harness and rope, send them up a rock wall, teach them how to shoot a .22 gun, bow and arrow, and make a camp fire. Among about a hundred other random skills that you need to be a mother to children for a week.
Yes, this week has heard a lot of "Yes, you need to take a shower tonight" and "You're going to Bible study so you need to bring your Bible!" because I'm with eight 10-11 year old girls who move slowly and get distracted easily. But the wisdom that comes out of their mouths is like nothing I have ever heard.
Needless to say, every day (every hour) is an adventure.
I absolutely love it.
Even when it's hard, and my girls are crazy, and I don't want to wake up, there is nothing better than hearing how the Lord has worked in their lives.
It's towards the end of the week. I have a precious few hours left with them, and I'm actually really sad that my little nuglets are going home on Saturday. The Lord has done big things in my little ones.
Summer 2014 has officially begun.
Firstly, I'm sorry that my blog game has been off for, like, a year at this point. Life is busy, yes, but not so busy that I can't post. MY BAD Y'ALL.
I've been at a camp for the last two weeks. Meaning I have been trained to send kids down a cable wearing a harness and rope, send them up a rock wall, teach them how to shoot a .22 gun, bow and arrow, and make a camp fire. Among about a hundred other random skills that you need to be a mother to children for a week.
Yes, this week has heard a lot of "Yes, you need to take a shower tonight" and "You're going to Bible study so you need to bring your Bible!" because I'm with eight 10-11 year old girls who move slowly and get distracted easily. But the wisdom that comes out of their mouths is like nothing I have ever heard.
Needless to say, every day (every hour) is an adventure.
I absolutely love it.
Even when it's hard, and my girls are crazy, and I don't want to wake up, there is nothing better than hearing how the Lord has worked in their lives.
It's towards the end of the week. I have a precious few hours left with them, and I'm actually really sad that my little nuglets are going home on Saturday. The Lord has done big things in my little ones.
Summer 2014 has officially begun.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
My April Post
Well okay. Rundown of what's happened since January.
Impact counselor applications came out, were submitted, read, interviews happened, selections went down, and suddenly my foursome of Tyler, Elijah, Emma, and I became an eighteen-some. Omega Benji 2014 is the best, basically. I am continually thankful for how wonderful they all are, how amazing my girls are, our studly man counselors, the support of Emma and Elijah, Tyler as my partner and co-captain of Struggle Bus, and the just general idea that "Oh my gosh I get to serve with these humans and glorify Jesus what even is this."
It's still a pretty weird idea that the Lord put Tyler and I in charge of a camp, and we frequently joke about how some mistake must have happened because there's no way someone would actually trust us to be in a leadership role. But every Thursday when we run a camp meeting, reality hits us and we have to face up to the fact that we aren't in control of anything (hallelujah) but it's okay because we don't really need to be.
So there's that weird mess of me continually attempting to trust the Lord with Impact. The last few months have shown me what happens when I don't trust him. And it is like an F5 tornado came in and tore up my life (in a good but still painful way).
Without going into a lot of detail, I've stumbled my way through this semester. I played the whole "Christian girl" game of saying all the right things and doing all the right actions, but inside I still, STILL, struggled with the fact that my pride was a pill I couldn't swallow; I was still horribly convinced that I could do my chaotic semester of school, social, Impact, sorority, and a whole slew of other things all on my own and it would be great and wonderful.
But it wasn't. Every time I turned around, I was dropping one of the pieces I was juggling. School was the first to fall. Then went the roommates. Then my other friends. Then my spare time. I've never been good at time management, and I knew I was only one slip-up away from falling flat on my face with Impact (something I was terrified to drop). The Lord gave me a good shake though, and I found myself in a boxed in space with no way out EXCEPT for Him.
My juggling act had failed. Too many things had slipped through the cracks. Relationships and school suffered. I had to cut out parts of my life that I had been clinging desperately to. Things that the Lord had given me to see if I trusted him enough to give back. And it took me an embarrassing amount of time to return them, to finally open up my hands and say, "Okay, here, take it. Because I can't do this anymore."
Now, my priorities are school, Impact, and my roommates, with Christ at the center. Every day is a fight to keep those things where they are on my priority list while still moving forward in life. Every day I have to remind myself what a disaster the first half of my semester was so I can cling to the only part of my little life that wasn't, isn't, and never will be a mess: my faith that the Lord loves me and forgives me.
Because I need a lot of love and a lot of forgiveness.
But it's because of the love that I get forgiveness, and it's through the forgiveness that I am loved.
That truth has been evidenced by every single person I have been around this semester. My roommates love me in my disaster. My camp loves me even though I know that I could be better at leading. My family has been a constant force of prayer and love. I can't imagine what this semester would have looked like if I hadn't had a force of people pushing me forward every moment of every day.
My semester was a mess. A lot of tears over a lot of things have been shed. But the amount of laughter, wonderful times with people I love, productivity, and inexplicable joy that has come from the last few months have left a patchwork of healing over the scars.
Impact counselor applications came out, were submitted, read, interviews happened, selections went down, and suddenly my foursome of Tyler, Elijah, Emma, and I became an eighteen-some. Omega Benji 2014 is the best, basically. I am continually thankful for how wonderful they all are, how amazing my girls are, our studly man counselors, the support of Emma and Elijah, Tyler as my partner and co-captain of Struggle Bus, and the just general idea that "Oh my gosh I get to serve with these humans and glorify Jesus what even is this."
It's still a pretty weird idea that the Lord put Tyler and I in charge of a camp, and we frequently joke about how some mistake must have happened because there's no way someone would actually trust us to be in a leadership role. But every Thursday when we run a camp meeting, reality hits us and we have to face up to the fact that we aren't in control of anything (hallelujah) but it's okay because we don't really need to be.
So there's that weird mess of me continually attempting to trust the Lord with Impact. The last few months have shown me what happens when I don't trust him. And it is like an F5 tornado came in and tore up my life (in a good but still painful way).
Without going into a lot of detail, I've stumbled my way through this semester. I played the whole "Christian girl" game of saying all the right things and doing all the right actions, but inside I still, STILL, struggled with the fact that my pride was a pill I couldn't swallow; I was still horribly convinced that I could do my chaotic semester of school, social, Impact, sorority, and a whole slew of other things all on my own and it would be great and wonderful.
But it wasn't. Every time I turned around, I was dropping one of the pieces I was juggling. School was the first to fall. Then went the roommates. Then my other friends. Then my spare time. I've never been good at time management, and I knew I was only one slip-up away from falling flat on my face with Impact (something I was terrified to drop). The Lord gave me a good shake though, and I found myself in a boxed in space with no way out EXCEPT for Him.
My juggling act had failed. Too many things had slipped through the cracks. Relationships and school suffered. I had to cut out parts of my life that I had been clinging desperately to. Things that the Lord had given me to see if I trusted him enough to give back. And it took me an embarrassing amount of time to return them, to finally open up my hands and say, "Okay, here, take it. Because I can't do this anymore."
Now, my priorities are school, Impact, and my roommates, with Christ at the center. Every day is a fight to keep those things where they are on my priority list while still moving forward in life. Every day I have to remind myself what a disaster the first half of my semester was so I can cling to the only part of my little life that wasn't, isn't, and never will be a mess: my faith that the Lord loves me and forgives me.
Because I need a lot of love and a lot of forgiveness.
But it's because of the love that I get forgiveness, and it's through the forgiveness that I am loved.
That truth has been evidenced by every single person I have been around this semester. My roommates love me in my disaster. My camp loves me even though I know that I could be better at leading. My family has been a constant force of prayer and love. I can't imagine what this semester would have looked like if I hadn't had a force of people pushing me forward every moment of every day.
My semester was a mess. A lot of tears over a lot of things have been shed. But the amount of laughter, wonderful times with people I love, productivity, and inexplicable joy that has come from the last few months have left a patchwork of healing over the scars.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
"No longer defined by the wreckage behind"
I've gotten bored with the music on my iPod and, therefore, have resorted to listening to the commercials of Spotify (which, granted, isn't that bad). I was in the mood to listen to some Jesus jams and re-stumbled across a song I had heard a few times over Christmas break. It's "Hello, My Name Is" by Matthew West.
Go listen to it right now.
Here, I'll help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuJWQzjfU3o
You guys, here's the deal. If you have believed and accepted the fact that you are human and screw up, that God sent his perfect son Jesus Christ to take the blame for your screw ups (and raising from the dead in the process), and that you are forgiven, then this is for you. If that does not apply to you, I pray that you investigate the love of Christ and the freedom in his truth.
Matthew West's song has made me want to cry from joy every time I've heard it because the truth is overwhelming.
Romans 8:14-17 calls us adopted by God. He called us out of our sin and death and chains and into his family. He takes our rags of regret and our coat of defeat and strips them away. He says in Revelation that he is making all things new. We were not created to wear clothes that broadcast our failures. He takes everything that is not perfect from us and puts new clothes on our backs.
And, for whatever reason, we beg for the other ones back. Because they're comfortable. Because we can hide our dirty secrets in vague proclamations. We want people to know that we aren't perfect but we refuse to be vulnerable enough to let on what's really wrong with us. Our society is obsessed with wallowing in our sin because it's easy and, even if it hurts, it's a heck of a lot less painful than discovering why we're doing this. That discovery would lead to the truth, and the truth is just too hard to bear.
This is the great lie we have been led to believe. That we are hopelessly alone. That there is no redemption in us, so we wear our mistakes like badges of honor because it's the thing to do, and that the truth will only bog us down. So YOLO, right?
No. Wrong. Stop. Enough.
If we let ourselves be defined by what we have done, what we have been told, and what we think of ourselves because of what we have seen, we are dishonoring the very one who created us. We let our identify get wrapped up in things that are temporary. I've so easily taken on the role of "English major" or "Impact cochair" that I let the fact that I am Linley, a created masterpiece and a daughter of the most high God, slide by the wayside.
Because that's what we are. We aren't claimed by our regret or defeat anymore. And for anyone who tells you that you are defined by your past and what you've done--in your head or outside of it--know that those are lies.
You are not alone.
Nor hopeless. Or unloved. Or any other negative definition.
The Bible is full of definitions of what you ARE if you are in Christ. Claiming his name gives you the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven. But on a less grandeur scale (but possibly more incredible), we are forgiven of what we've done and redeemed as something beautiful.
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that he may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness and into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Peter 2:9-10.
(hey Dad...sorry it's been so long since I've posted)
Go listen to it right now.
Here, I'll help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuJWQzjfU3o
You guys, here's the deal. If you have believed and accepted the fact that you are human and screw up, that God sent his perfect son Jesus Christ to take the blame for your screw ups (and raising from the dead in the process), and that you are forgiven, then this is for you. If that does not apply to you, I pray that you investigate the love of Christ and the freedom in his truth.
Matthew West's song has made me want to cry from joy every time I've heard it because the truth is overwhelming.
Romans 8:14-17 calls us adopted by God. He called us out of our sin and death and chains and into his family. He takes our rags of regret and our coat of defeat and strips them away. He says in Revelation that he is making all things new. We were not created to wear clothes that broadcast our failures. He takes everything that is not perfect from us and puts new clothes on our backs.
And, for whatever reason, we beg for the other ones back. Because they're comfortable. Because we can hide our dirty secrets in vague proclamations. We want people to know that we aren't perfect but we refuse to be vulnerable enough to let on what's really wrong with us. Our society is obsessed with wallowing in our sin because it's easy and, even if it hurts, it's a heck of a lot less painful than discovering why we're doing this. That discovery would lead to the truth, and the truth is just too hard to bear.
This is the great lie we have been led to believe. That we are hopelessly alone. That there is no redemption in us, so we wear our mistakes like badges of honor because it's the thing to do, and that the truth will only bog us down. So YOLO, right?
No. Wrong. Stop. Enough.
If we let ourselves be defined by what we have done, what we have been told, and what we think of ourselves because of what we have seen, we are dishonoring the very one who created us. We let our identify get wrapped up in things that are temporary. I've so easily taken on the role of "English major" or "Impact cochair" that I let the fact that I am Linley, a created masterpiece and a daughter of the most high God, slide by the wayside.
Because that's what we are. We aren't claimed by our regret or defeat anymore. And for anyone who tells you that you are defined by your past and what you've done--in your head or outside of it--know that those are lies.
You are not alone.
Nor hopeless. Or unloved. Or any other negative definition.
The Bible is full of definitions of what you ARE if you are in Christ. Claiming his name gives you the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven. But on a less grandeur scale (but possibly more incredible), we are forgiven of what we've done and redeemed as something beautiful.
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that he may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness and into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Peter 2:9-10.
(hey Dad...sorry it's been so long since I've posted)
Saturday, January 4, 2014
2013 in review
Part of me wanted to do this post in pictures, but really the only pictures on my phone are funny conversations I've taken screen-shots of, embarrassing selfies my roommates have sent me, and a wide array of Kyle Field shots taken at football games. As telling as those are, my year hasn't been totally dominated by texting (though my mom might beg to differ), selfies, and football.
This year was a good year.
While my blogging hasn't been consistent, it's captured the major moments of the year. Impact counselor round two, this year more of a leader within the camp than a "Oh wow I'm actually here" deal. Miraculously, Netflix continued to be a positive influence on my GPA. I traveled to London with an English class. I changed churches in College Station. I worked in my church's youth ministry back home over the summer and cranked out 8 hours of Spanish. My roommates and I migrated from our three room apartment to a three bedroom house down the street from campus. We like it a lot more than the apartment, but have had our fair share of calling the leasing agency to fix things. I even rode my bike to class for a few weeks. Huzzah. Impact retreat was pretty picture-perfect. My girls are amazing and two of my closest friends. I wrote for the school paper. Impact leadership applications came out and for some weird reason, I was put in charge of a camp.
And now 2014 is 4 days old, and I'm onto semester 6 of 8 in my college career.
Weird.
There are a few people who deserve major shout-outs for this year. Only the first is in a particular order.
The first is Jesus. Duh. Being thrown into situations where His trust was my only thing to hold, His patience was the only thing I had, or His joy was my only strength grew me exponentially this year. I have a long road ahead of me still, but progress/change is good and encouraging. And I have no doubt that everything I faced this past year will be something be challenges that are thrown at me in 2014. Like the last 5 semesters, I don't see the growth until I look back and have to close my gaping mouth. His faithfulness is something I'll never get used to.
The second is going to go to my family. My brother came down to school at Blinn, so we ran into each other on a weekly basis (and normally ended with me buying him food). So huzzah to that. My sister has successfully found her life's ambition--being a special education teacher (it fits her beautifully--like I've never known anyone to have a job so designed for them). My mom is hilarious and supportive as ever. I always know when she's bored because she'll call me and talk 90% of the time we're on the phone--her New Year's resolution is to let my dad talk more. My dad is someone I'm still continually figuring out and appreciating more as I do. He is a creature of habit and a peaceful presence to our family.
The third is a group of people--my roommates. Rachel, Myles, and Joy were a huge factor in my growth and success this year. Just being around them has helped me to see what Godly love looks like because they love me. They are truly friends I plan to keep for the rest of my life. And even when I land on Rachel's leg trying to get out of bed or accidentally scare Myles or lay on Joy's bed and word vomit all my woes, I am confident in the fact that the four of us were put together for a reason. We live together well and we love each other despite all of our differences and struggles.
Lastly is a general shout-out to all the friends I've grown closer to this year. Thanks for being a friend.
2014 is going to be a busy, chaotic, fantastic year. I've been prepared as much as I can be, but I know there will be many times where I'll need Christ, my family, and my friends to carry me through. I'm ready to trust and to put what I've been taught into practice.
So here we go.
This year was a good year.
While my blogging hasn't been consistent, it's captured the major moments of the year. Impact counselor round two, this year more of a leader within the camp than a "Oh wow I'm actually here" deal. Miraculously, Netflix continued to be a positive influence on my GPA. I traveled to London with an English class. I changed churches in College Station. I worked in my church's youth ministry back home over the summer and cranked out 8 hours of Spanish. My roommates and I migrated from our three room apartment to a three bedroom house down the street from campus. We like it a lot more than the apartment, but have had our fair share of calling the leasing agency to fix things. I even rode my bike to class for a few weeks. Huzzah. Impact retreat was pretty picture-perfect. My girls are amazing and two of my closest friends. I wrote for the school paper. Impact leadership applications came out and for some weird reason, I was put in charge of a camp.
And now 2014 is 4 days old, and I'm onto semester 6 of 8 in my college career.
Weird.
There are a few people who deserve major shout-outs for this year. Only the first is in a particular order.
The first is Jesus. Duh. Being thrown into situations where His trust was my only thing to hold, His patience was the only thing I had, or His joy was my only strength grew me exponentially this year. I have a long road ahead of me still, but progress/change is good and encouraging. And I have no doubt that everything I faced this past year will be something be challenges that are thrown at me in 2014. Like the last 5 semesters, I don't see the growth until I look back and have to close my gaping mouth. His faithfulness is something I'll never get used to.
The second is going to go to my family. My brother came down to school at Blinn, so we ran into each other on a weekly basis (and normally ended with me buying him food). So huzzah to that. My sister has successfully found her life's ambition--being a special education teacher (it fits her beautifully--like I've never known anyone to have a job so designed for them). My mom is hilarious and supportive as ever. I always know when she's bored because she'll call me and talk 90% of the time we're on the phone--her New Year's resolution is to let my dad talk more. My dad is someone I'm still continually figuring out and appreciating more as I do. He is a creature of habit and a peaceful presence to our family.
The third is a group of people--my roommates. Rachel, Myles, and Joy were a huge factor in my growth and success this year. Just being around them has helped me to see what Godly love looks like because they love me. They are truly friends I plan to keep for the rest of my life. And even when I land on Rachel's leg trying to get out of bed or accidentally scare Myles or lay on Joy's bed and word vomit all my woes, I am confident in the fact that the four of us were put together for a reason. We live together well and we love each other despite all of our differences and struggles.
Lastly is a general shout-out to all the friends I've grown closer to this year. Thanks for being a friend.
2014 is going to be a busy, chaotic, fantastic year. I've been prepared as much as I can be, but I know there will be many times where I'll need Christ, my family, and my friends to carry me through. I'm ready to trust and to put what I've been taught into practice.
So here we go.
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