The New Testament (a historical look)

Amidst all the chaos for planning for the future, I actually have classes that I go to. Being a graduating senior allows for certain perks, like taking 9 hours and being considered a full time student. And having 3 of those hours being online. Yeah, I'm only on campus for a few hours on Tuesday and Thursday. It is as wonderful as it sounds.

My final 9 hours allowed me to take any two communication classes that I wanted, and any other random credit of my choosing. So I chose to take a class on the New Testament.

On the first day of class, my professor walked in, introduced himself, and then promptly announced that he was unafraid to offend and hoped that what we learned in class challenged our beliefs. And rather than sinking down in my seat or looking up other classes to take, my first thought was, "Okay, let's see then."

Honestly, the class hasn't done anything to challenge my beliefs in Christ, or the validity of the Bible, or any other part of my faith. It's kind of done the opposite. All the historical context of when the latter half of the Bible was written is ridiculously interesting. For a 75 minute class, which is normally torture for my short attention span, I rarely look at my watch.

My professor is quirky, and extremely intelligent. He lays out the information objectively (he goes to an Eastern Orthodox church) and it is so clear that he knows what he's talking about. Maybe he's been giving his best efforts to try and dissuade me from my beliefs, but it really has been more affirming than anything.

And it's pretty cool to get historical meaning for who the Pharisees actually were, and how Herod came into power, and how the Bible itself was formed. It's given me context for how important the Temple was, how radical Jesus was, and why different groups reacted the way that they did. And, beyond that, how people reacted after Jesus ascended to Heaven. He made big waves, you guys. The world was immediately changed as people tried to figure out who He was, as Paul and the disciples spread the news around.

A big thing that we focused on the first two weeks of class was about the potential errors of the Bible. Which I get where the argument is coming from--the printing press didn't exist in 60CE, and people had to copy Scripture somehow. Scribes copied and translated and sent out texts. Errors were bound to be made. And, admittedly, there were moments were I did wonder how we could believe what has been copied countless times.

But here's the thing: my God is vastly larger than human error. Jesus died on the cross and then raised from the dead to prove that he was much, much more powerful than any mistake humans could ever make. The point is that no, we do not have the absolute original writings of Mark. But I am confident that the Lord would not let his messages be changed by typos.

I have my first test in that class tomorrow, and while it is a ton of information, it is not information I am uninterested in. I'm a history nerd. I'm learning about the New Testament. And I'm seeing how faithful the Lord is to move through thousands of years. I think, in my last semester of college, I have found one of my favorite classes.

One Step Ahead

Well team. It's February. And I still have zero solid plans for what post-grad life is going to look like. No clue really. There are things that I think would be cool to do, but I don't know how to get to those places or who to talk to or how to be an adult. I have a firm handshake, a good support system, and a big God, but sometimes that doesn't feel like enough.

Foolishly, I believe that those things (particularly the last thing) are inadequate for carrying me into the next phase of life.

Believing that lie immediately leads me to picture myself in a dark, circular room. I know there are doors that I just have to try and open, but I can't find the doors, and even if I did, would I have the courage to try the knob? So I just end up running around and banging into walls before feeling drained and hopeless about the large, ambiguous future.

I am not called to live this way. Ecclesiastes 7 commands me to not trust on my own wisdom and righteousness because doing so would label me a fool--ironic, isn't it? Trying to glean wisdom by myself makes me look like an idiot. But that's exactly what I've been trying to do. I've been digging around in my head to figure out what the heck I want to do after May when all I have to do is let go.  

The future is big, too big for me to do on my own, and will always be one step ahead of me.

For the record, that is not a wisdom bomb that I dropped on myself.

I know it's all going to be okay. The future is going to come, and keep coming, and there's only so much I can do to prepare for it--which isn't much. But trusting in the one individual who can stand by my side as life happens is the one thing I can safely hold onto.

Christ is sufficient for me.

I went cruisin'

The camp I worked at this summer is pretty incredible. And the people I got close to quickly became some of my favorite people. We learned together, we grew together, we laughed, cried, danced, and jumped into mud pits together. We worshiped a big, big God together. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Thankfully, our directors knew that, and organized a group of us to go on a cruise in January to Mexico so we could reunite and hang out and catch up. And, because I think I'm funny, I wrote down my thoughts as things happened, and you guys get to read them. So here was my cruise with Camp Peniel.

Day 1
Getting to Galveston was pretty easy until we, like, actually got here. Now it's just confusing.
WHERE IS THIS PARKING GARAGE.
It doesn't exist.
And I clearly still don't know my left from my right.
Google Maps successfully took us to an electrical warehouse.
But we did find Texas A&M Galveston. #fishemAgs
Okay yeah we made it to the parking location with some help from the county constable.
Oh my. This boat is so large.
And I don't know if I like this whole rocking business.
It's like the Titanic. I'm freaking out.
Upon first inspection, there is one large bed in the room. For 5 girls.
Ope, beds fall from the ceiling. It's like Chicken Little meets Sleeping Beauty.
This restaurant is FANCY y'all.

Day 2
Good morning captain. Didn't anticipate hearing your voice coming over the intercom at 9:30am.
Phat chilled on a beach chair on the back of the ship all day. This is the dream.
And had 3 ice cream cones. Swag.
Why is it that I prefer Whataburger to fancy restaurant foods.
I'm clearly so uncultured.
This ship has been rocking and rolling all day. Holla at dat Dramamine.
Speaking of the ship, it's still a pretty weird thought that I am actually on a ship.
Karaoke is the place to be y'all. This little girl sang "Let It Go" and I almost cried. So precious. 

Day 3
It's becoming easier to share a bed with 2 other humans. Still not my ideal situation though.
COZUMEL HERE I COME.
Ah yes. My limited Spanish knowledge coming into play with this taxi situation.
I don't hate being on a beach twice during one break.
Alas, I'm not as good at bargaining as I once was. That's disappointing.
WATER SLIDE ON A BOAT!
I rather enjoy this whole watching-a-movie-on-a-boat business.
Ugh, I still need Dramamine. You would think I would be used to the rocking by this point.

Day 4
HUZZAH! MAYAN RUINS! HISTORY!
Okay but really this is actually really cool.
Ha. Roman church arch in the middle of the once-plaza. Which piece of architecture doesn't belong...
This is all so incredible. I want to explore forever.
Giant natural spring!
Okay actually not that giant. But real deep, and crystal clear.
Swimming where the Mayans swam! I'm so native!
Good news team: bargaining game back on point.
I have consumed an embarrassing amount of ice cream on this ship.
Also just ordered two meals for dinner. Oops.
This "magic" show was just a bunch of flashing lights and show girls. Highly disappointing.
Dramamine. Dramamine for days.
It's not a real vacation until I somehow injure myself.

Day 5
I love sleep. Sleep is my favorite thing. 
It's 2pm and all I've done is eat a burrito and read. The dream.
WOW IT IS SO WINDY.
Phat chillin all day long.
Worship while watching the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico is pretty incredible.
I sat in a hot tub and watched Guardians of the Galaxy. Yaaaaaas.
Okay two-stepping on a rocking boat is not easy.
Over half our group is sea sick, so I guess we're going out with a bang?

Day 6
LAND AHOY!
I'm going to miss these people a whole lot.
Until next time, Camp Peniel.

Yep. That was my adventure onto a cruise ship. Lots of friends, lots of food, lots of fellowship. I'm pretty okay with it. 

I'm 23 and that's weird

You guys. I know I make this joke every year, but I'm actually serious this time: I'm old.

So, per tradition, and I'll try not to sound crazy unoriginal, here are 23 things that I have come to know as true over the past 23 years.

1. If you find friends who will love you at your worst, keep them around. There's nothing like them.

2. Healing hurts. But it's necessary, and you find that you have come out better than you went in.

3. Sometimes the officiating at a football game can be the worst, and it's embarrassing how angry you get at it.

4. That being said, there's nothing quite like Saturday college football game days

5. Thankfulness is something that I don't think about nearly enough.

6. It IS possible to write a 15 page paper in 3 days. But I wouldn't recommend it.

7. People are funny. And crazy. And terrifying.

8. The unknown future isn't a bad thing. Because, really, the truth of the matter is that the Lord knows what's next--my knowledge of it is unimportant

9. Right after college is the perfect time to go explore a hundred different options 

10. Math is the worst. 10 points to you if you, somehow, enjoy it

11. There are some textbooks that are enjoyable to read (which is not something I ever thought I would say/write).

12. Change is tough.

13. Change is exciting.

14. It is incredible how the Bible, from beginning to end, is covered in the Gospel. 

15. The Lord works in surprising ways. And still maintains a strong sense of humor.

16. It is possible to keep your cool when there's a tornado headed your way and you're in charge of 8 pre-teens. Mostly because of Jesus.

17. Louisa May Alcott--you know, the author of Little Women--had a surprising dark side.

18. Having a "hard" semester is not synonymous with having a "bad" semester.

19. Working at a camp was simultaneously the most overwhelming and most peaceful experience of my college career.

20. My last year at Impact was my best year with Impact.

21. Sometimes you just have to go to a live music concert in Austin to see what all the hoopla is about

22. I have the best roommates ever. They show me what love, patience, and grace is every day.

23. I may not know where I'll be in six months, and I may not be 100% okay with that, but it's not something I will let myself stress about. Because I've got a God who is bigger than me.

Sorry if those were redundant. But that about wraps up what's been on my mind recently/the last 23 years. Thanks, and gig 'em. 

The Open Hand

I was told recently that I "live life with an open hand". Translation: I surrender my circumstances and trust that the Lord will take care of me.

If only that were true all the time.  Or even most of the time.

Throughout the spring semester, I learned what it means to grip my world with an iron fist, to hold on so tight that my nails dig into my palms. And it hurt. Then it hurt even worse when almost all of the things that I was clutching to so tightly were ripped away from me. The Lord left me with what I needed to keep my head above water: Himself, family, and close friends. Everything else he reclaimed as his own because I 100% refused to give it to him.

Because I am crazy selfish and try to control my world.

Which, interestingly enough, is impossible to actually execute.

So this semester, having began to heal from the destruction of the spring, I decided that those were some scars that I wasn't keen on reopening. This semester would be different. I would define the fall by surrender--something I am not exceptional at. And, by some miracle, it's sort of happened.

I keep marching towards graduation, and I am continuously wondering what my next step is. A little clarity there, a little fogginess there. On my path of life (the cliche is overwhelming and I'm sorry), I have very, very limited visibility. I don't think that's an accident, either. The planner/control freak in me is panicked at every turn, but it flares up and dies, like a quick summer storm, rather than weathering me down day after brutal day.

I will not let myself be brought down by things I cannot control.

Because I have somehow had a pretty peaceful semester. There haven't been many breakdowns, virtually no conflict, and a lot of doors that I didn't expect have been swung open for me. This might be one of the first times in my life where I can look at where I was a few months ago and examine where I am now and see the visible change and growth in such a small time frame.

8 months ago, I was an utter disaster. But that was the Lord refining me, molding me, melting down the pride, pulling out the insecurities, remaking me. He makes all things new (2 Corinthians 5:17), and I am no exception to that. And it is only by the power of Jesus Christ that I can accept my insufficient attributes and trust that he will still take care of me.

I am fully known, and fully loved. And it is only through the opening of my hands to the only one who is capable of handling my mess that I will find wholeness and peace.

The Great Job Search and Ecclesiastes

Because I'm a senior, I finally made my resume (couldn't figure out how to get the accent on those e's) the other day and had the official Texas A&M career center assess the situation. Turns out, being an English major has significantly helped me in using action verbs because I managed to make my professional career sound, well, professional.

This document has everything I have ever accomplished in my life that a potential employer could want or need to know. Which is kind of a weird concept, especially because I'm starting to send it out to people. Like a real grown up person. Because it's October, and I have seven months before A&M pushes me into the the world. Seven months, you guys. That's not very long.

So of course, I've started to kind of panic about "the future" (whatever that even means) and the fact that I need a job because that's what you do after college.

And it initially wasn't helping that my church is currently going through Ecclesiastes. Summary of chapters 1-2: everything is meaningless. Thanks for that, Solomon. How uplifting.

But today was a game-changer. About halfway through chapter 2, we hit the point that talks about work. And I know we've all heard the verse from 1 Corinthians about doing everything as if for the Lord, but way before Paul penned that, Solomon was telling us the same thing. Maybe in not so nice terms, but it was the same message.

We work for the Lord. Why? Because we are called to do everything to glorify Him because without his grace and his redemption and his love, we have absolutely nothing. We all know that the world is a broken, messed-up place, and when we are our most honest with ourselves, we realize that living with a "me" focused attitude is ultimately dissatisfying and disappointing.

We crave purpose. The need to work for something. But if we work for the world, those things stay in the world. We can't take them to the grave because that's useless. We can provide for our future generations, but the issue with material things is that they eventually lose value.

So why go on this scatterbrained soapbox? Because trying to find a job just so I don't have to move back into my pink bedroom with my parents isn't a good enough motivator to find a job. Nor is the need to look successful, to have something under my belt. I should be job searching because I have been given skills that I can use to spread the Gospel. Skills that the Lord gave me so that I might better share his name.

My motivations will fall and get twisted and I'll probably definitely have another panic about the future, but as long as I am aware that the Lord will set work in front of me to proclaim who he is, I'm going to make it.

And, as everyone seems to be telling me lately, it's all going to be okay. 

Bitter to blessed

The old, trite tale is back. I was turned down from something that I really wanted. And I was mad. And disappointed. And frustrated. But I think the strongest emotion that I felt was the embarrassing pain of my pride being crushed.

Because I haven't been turned down from something that I really wanted since freshman year. And while that year sang the bitter tune of feeling rejected, I have not had to experience it since that year. So I was overdue for a good gut check. The pride I have to constantly wage war against started creeping in the cracks of my heart, and I didn't notice until the Lord had to rip it out. Which hurt. 

There were a good few days were I was just really bitter against my situation. It wasn't just that I had been turned down from something that I was so confident that I would get--it was the fact that I had allowed myself to become way too overly confident, to forget the tough lessons I learned my freshman year. I had thought that those lessons would always stick with me for a good long time.

But I'm a person with a heart who tries to beat for Jesus but gets distracted with everything else in the world.

And it filled the cracks pride had held with bitterness.

Then I went to Bible study on Sunday. And we talked about Naomi.

Now this is one homegirl who had cause to be bitter because she lost all the important men in her life and was left with her two daughter-in-laws. She returned to her homeland angry, explaining that she had left full but the Lord took everything she had. She asked people to call her Mara, which means bitter (for those of you who haven't read Redeeming Love). It was devastation for her. It was a loss of everything she held dear.

She reacted like any human would react.

But in doing so, she shunned any potential blessing that the Lord could put on her because she would reject it. She was not available, not in the right state, to recognize that she was being blessed.

Things started to change though. Ruth was put in a position to be blessed by way of Boaz. So Naomi began to reap the benefits of being fed and cared for. She started to move away from the bitterness and into a state of mind where she could see the Lord for who he actually is.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means comparing myself to Naomi. But I am saying that by assessing my bitterness and putting it into a larger perspective, I am able to see that it 1. doesn't and should determine my actions and 2. there is a love and hope far greater than my shortcomings that is more than sufficient to turn my bitterness to joy.