You win some, you lose some

Depressing news in the life of Linley McCord: I did not win the Maximum Ride writing competition. Wasn't even a runner-up.

I can't lie to you. I really, really, really wanted to win. Not because I'm obsessive and have to win everything. But to prove it to myself. To prove to myself that I am a pretty good writer; to prove that I've got some form of talent. And now that I've lost...it's a bit of a blow to my already mildly fragile self-esteem. Before the end of junior year, I just kept thinking to myself, "If I make Red Jackets, if I win the writing competition, I'll be good enough." But, now that both of those things have come to nothing, I realize that I didn't know what or who I was trying to be good enough for. Colleges maybe? My peers? I don't know.

But you know what? It's okay. I mean, I type this as I wipe the pity tears off my face, so sometimes irony gets the best of us. But I really am okay. Rejection is not a fun thing to experience, as I'm sure we all know, but I have to learn to move past my mistakes. If you've read my blog about the competition, you know how badly I wanted that winning position. But allow me to assure you that it is not the end of the world for me. When God closes one door, other ones open.

The rest of the day might be a bit rough for a little while, the loss still on my mind, but I'm signed up to be a middle school girls' retreat counselor at my church tonight. And what they need, since most girls between the ages of 12-14 are a little more insecure than I am, is someone who can lead with her own personal experience and love them like there's no tomorrow. Because, if you think about it, there might not be. And I have no doubt that God had the letter come today, the day where I was supposed to be giddy and joyful for the girls, because He's got a plan. A plan that is flawless and beautiful and joyous and full and awesome. No earthly plans can foil it. And, as I think about it more, I realize this: my joy is not my joy. My joy needs to be God's joy. And tonight I was fully anticipating on using my joy to minister to these girls on a church retreat. God's probably just like, "Hmm, no. Let's use mine instead." And the ONLY way I'm going to be even remotely joyful tonight is through the LORD. My friend Paige said something really wise last summer that has stuck with me. She said that "our joy should not be determined by our circumstances."

Can I get a "soooooo true!" on that one?

Remember that one story about David in the Old Testament? The Ark of the Covenant returned to Israel and David was FREAKING OUT. Like, you could not contain that dude's crazy awesome joy. He was out in the streets in his underclothes just straight up dancing. And his wife was all like, "David, you're out in the streets in your underclothes in front of servant girls, get inside!" and David stops, looks at her, and responds with, "WOMAN! I will dance out of joy to the LORD!" or something like that. Haha, I put it in Linleyspeak. But you get what I mean.

I want joy like David. I want to dance like nobody is paying any attention to me whatsoever. No matter my circumstances, whether I've just lost a contest or I'm dancing in my underwear, I want to be so joyful that people have to put on sunglasses because I'm so bright.

And you know what? I don't need to try to be "good enough". Because God loves me where I'm at right now. He gave me the talent of writing...that I know that I have. I'm His beautiful daughter. And He's my rock. I don't seek the approval of men. I seek the joy of my God.

You can run and tell that, homeboy. ;)