You would think by the time that I hit 18 (almost 19) years of age, I would have figured out that God is in complete and absolute control of my life and knows EXACTLY what is going to happen to me, when it will happen, how I'll be taken care of, and so on and so forth. But every time some milestone in my life (and not necessary what many people would constitute as a "milestone") occurs and I'm just like "Wow! Thanks, God!", I am totally surprised that something worked out that I wasted so much time worrying about. The only way I can define these crazy occurances would to be putting them under the catagory of "miracle".
Don't worry; I have an example to cover this new epiphany.
I'm over a year older than most of the people in my grade and even older than a lot of people in the grade above me. So I've kind of gravitated to the older grade, the class of 2010. That's where I put all my social marbles, if you will. I hung out with them on the weekends, we had sleepovers, sat next to each other during football games, etc. They were my confidants and my best friends. Well, all throughout junior year, I was torn. I knew that I would be socially inept when August rolled around and everyone who I hung out with moved away to start a new chapter of their lives. I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible because I knew that I had a limited amount of it. But then again, I had to think about the future of where I'll be in a year with no super close friend(s) to be with on Friday nights. And it stressed me out to no end.
Let's get deep here, shall we?
I would sit in my room and cry because I was sick to my stomach about not having a social life my senior year of high school. In June, my friends graduated but I still had the summer with most of them. Then everyone left...and I felt more alone than I've ever felt in my life. So I poured into the middle school ministries both in my church and in the community, hoping that God could occupy my mind with befriending and loving them so I wouldn't be able to think about my own looming problems. In a way, my middle school ministry was simply a selfish distraction to pull me away from my stressful world. But it has quickly turned into something way more noble and God-honoring than that. And I'm embarrassed about my initial intentions.
But all of that has changed.
Firstly, God used middle school ministry to get me closer to people my age who were also leaders. Don't get me wrong--I love the middle schoolers. They are so wonderful and full of energy and just straight up hilarious. But the leaders I have been put with have also pulled me into a fellowship ministry that we can embrace together. We can praise God and work with those in the younger grades. Can it get any better?
Secondly, God has taken on a role of the wise old man for me. He's shaking his finger at me, saying, "I told you! You should've listened to me! I said everything was going to be okay and that you didn't need to worry! But did you worry anyway? Yes! So here's me chastizing you for not having complete faith in me! But it's still okay. I still love you. And I'm going to make that so obvious that there's no way you can call yourself a follower of me and not see it." My social life, to sound shallow, is ten times more than it was last year. Every weekend for the past 7 weeks has had SOME activity with friends. Godly friends. Friends who I turn to when I'm stuck and need advice.
Friday night I was going to get food from a local restaurant for my sister, my mom, and me. I was just planning on staying home that night because I had the SAT in the morning and no one had called or texted me to see if we wanted to do anything. So I get in my car and about halfway to the restaurant, I checked my phone and had a missed call from a semi-good friend of mine. She didn't leave a message and the call was just 10 minutes ago, so I called her back. She wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with her and another one of our newer friends and try out this new yogurt place. Of course, I said yes and that I'd call her after I'd eaten dinner.
This song came on the radio right after I hung up. Here are part of the lyrics of the chorus: "God's got his hand on you so never get up hope; you're gonna do great things--I already know." I kid you not--on 121's access road, I started crying. All the wasted time worrying last year was all for not because God's hand is on me because it never left me. I'd just forgotten it was there. And forgetting that will lead to losing hope. And when I lose hope...well, you end up sitting in your room alone because you feel like "all" of your friends just took their diplomas, packed up, and bailed on you.
And even though I know that isn't true and I still frequently talk to all of my collegiate friends, it was MORE than a blessing to know that God already planned for this to happen for me; it's a miracle. It was just His way of reminding me that He was there. Always.
"You called and you SHOUTED. Broke through my deafness. Now I'm breathin' in, breathin' out; I'm alive again. You shattered my DARKNESS. Washed away my blindness. Now I'm breathin' in, breathin' out. I'm alive again." --Alive Again by Matt Maher
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