I'd like to think things are changing...and maybe they are

You would think that by the time I hit twenty years old, I'd kind of be over my teenage insecurities, right? It's logical, isn't it? I'm in my twenties. I'm mature. I'm figuring my life out. I'm self-assured and totally confident in myself. That's the stereotype. Teenagers are insecure and petty. Young adults are secure and wise.

Let's just break down that stereotype right now, shall we? Great. Thanks.

In that one day that I went from nineteen to twenty, I didn't suddenly feel like all my insecurities melted away and like I could pound through the lobby of my dorm with the glow of a new women. November 13th wasn't that miraculous. It was a great birthday, but nothing happened. Other than a great dinner with friends, that is.

My point is that I had been deluded into thinking that being twenty would take away all my insecurities and that I would be 100% confident in who I am. I guess I can thank modern society for that little fantasy. 

But what I learned from that (rather unfortunate) lesson is some wisdom and a reminder of the same thing I've been hearing my whole life: in every milestone, I think that those who were there before me were so much more... (fill in the blank). When I was in elementary school, I thought middle school was going to rock (it was actually the worst 3 years of my life, but that's irrelevant). When I was an eighth grader, all I wanted was to be in high school. High schoolers were smart and cool and pretty and had life all together. They don't. Speaking from four years of experience. And from day one of my senior year at CHS, I was dreaming of college. College students were amazing. They had their lives perfectly planned out. They were so cool, to sound corny. They were living the good life and had it all together. So I thought twenty-something-year-old people were infinitely more mature. 

No. Wrong.

Turns out, everyone has issues with insecurities, whether you're a sixth grader without a lunch table or a college student feeling like you're completely invisible in a sea of 50,000 students. I know because I've experienced both. That dark thought of "I'm not enough" has been on my mind for too long. I thought it would change at every stage of my life and it hasn't. There's always something that I'm trying to achieve that's just out of my reach. Sometimes there's an adjective that goes between "not" and "enough". Pretty, smart, funny, charming, talkative, quiet, coordinated, athletic. All of those and more. And I've always thought it would change. But it hasn't and I've never known why.

Until now.

Now I know that it's me.

I've been clutching my insecurities like a lifejacket since I was twelve years old. They were constant and I knew how to hide them from everyone except for the people who knew me the best. No one who I didn't want to know didn't have to know. The issue was that while most of me was growing up and learning, I kept my fears and worries close until they became normal. I still don't know what to do with myself when I'm not feeling insecure because they've always been there. It's a new feeling to not be concerned with saying the wrong thing or worried that I'm going to knock something over and make a fool out of myself. Thankfully, I've let go of some of them.

But it's been a hard process. I give pieces of my heart away too easily. I wear it on my sleeve. I get emotionally invested quickly and have a hard time pulling out and letting go. Change scares me; that's why I've held onto things that hurt because it's the same all the time.

I'm getting better about being freer. I laugh when I trip and stumble over my words. I be the Linley that I want to be around people I don't know instead of trying to impress them. One of my best friends is accurately described as "genuine" and she's, thankfully, rubbing off on me at least a little bit.

I'm made in the image of a perfect God, flawless and beautiful, meant to be pursued and to have an enormous capacity for love. I know that. Now to embrace it. 

I can't even imagine

I can't even imagine...

What it was like to be 14 years old and suddenly pregnant because an angel said you would be

What it was like to be the human father of the Savior

What it was like to not have a place to sleep for a night

What it was like to have shepherds stare at your baby because he was supposed to save the world

What it was like to follow a star

What it was like to hide from a king who wanted your child dead

What it was like to not know how to raise a different sort of king, but definitely a king

What it was like to know you were just a part of history

What it was like to look at your child and know that he was born to die


Keep Christ in Christmas because, without Him, we wouldn't have anything.

Typical.

So last night after getting about half of my paper done for English, I went and hung out with friends for way later than I should have. When we went to Taco Bell at 1:30am, I knew that I probably wasn't making the best decision of my life. When I stayed up talking to a friend into the wee hours of the morning, I really knew that I should get to bed. In the back of my mind, I knew that my body would probably rebel against me in the next few days.

Unfortunately, I underestimated how fast my body was going to get mad at me. When my alarm went off for church this morning, the first thing I felt was the pounding in my temples and how it felt like my legs were full of jelly. When I finally got up--2 hours later--and stumbled to the bathroom, I learned that my stomach was really not happy and I'm a little afraid to eat anything at this point.

Naturally, this came when I'm going to be testing for almost 3 hours tomorrow and I still have a lot of studying to do. I should be writing my paper right now but I'm blogging. I know that I'll get everything done and I'll do my best on my tests, but the actual getting there? Especially when I'm getting there with a headache and stomachache? Not enjoyable.

At this point, I'm just praying to not be stressed. Tomorrow I have my two hardest finals and this paper is pretty important.

But how do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

Phil. 4:6-7

All in perspective

So I'm currently sitting in this lounge area by my dorm, doing chapter quizzes for my astronomy class. In the last 48 hours, I've probably studied during 24-26 of them and I'm still going nuts. I'm going to have sweet dreams of the 1050 Crusades and accretion disks flattening to become stars. Welcome to finals week, reader.

Here's my schedule: On Friday (tomorrow), I have 2 finals back-to-back. Astronomy and anthropology. Hopefully I'll be done testing by 4ish or so. When I sell those text books, I'll head back to my room to maybe take a nap and watch a show that I missed. Then I'll probably study or work on my English paper that's due on Sunday at midnight (though I plan to have it finished by the time I go to bed on Saturday so Sunday can be devoted to geography and history). On Monday, after a long weekend of studying, I'll get up and take my geography of Texas exam at 10:30, which ends at 12:30. At 1, my last final begins in my history class and by the time 3 o'clock comes around, I'll be free. Textbook-less, stress-less, and fearless, you will know one happy girl.

I cannot wait until Monday at 3. But I have a lot to truck through before I get there. 4 exams and a paper that I've been stressing about and studying for. And I'm losing motivation and strength. When I say that Monday afternoon can't come soon enough, I'm dead serious. I'm practically counting the hours.

But the fact of the matter is that it's 5 grades. All this stress and anxiety will amount to no large feat or moment in my life. Right now, it seems like a big deal, but in 5 years I'm not going to be thinking "Wow, that geography class was so important in my life" or something. No. I probably won't think about these classes (except for my English class) again after this semester.

What I'm getting at is that how I do in these classes is not going to determine the rest of my life. I'm not going to be rejected for a job because I got a B in my freshman history class. What's going to matter is the decisions I made outside the classroom. Who I spent my time with, what I invested in, where my hope was. And if I spent time with people who didn't love the Lord, if I didn't invest in my academics or my faith, and if my hope was in my studying abilities, I'll have to consider my first semester of college a failure.

Thankfully, it hasn't been. I've been blessed beyond all comparison with amazing friends, priority checks, and humbling circumstances that pushed me to put my hope in the infallible One. The Lord loves me regardless of the fact that I didn't make straight A's. He doesn't expect me to do more than what I'm capable of and what I can't do, He does. I succeed through Him and when I trust in only myself, I fall. But I'm caught in His arms.

I'm safe. I'm loved. I have a bright and beautiful future.

Finals, you ain't got nothin' on Him.

Next day, next week, next month, next semester

This post is going to be a jumbled mess. I'm just preparing you now before you start reading. Consider yourself warned.

Today is Monday. Today is the last day in my geography and anthropology classes. Today is the day that I start hardcore studying for my finals that are looming above me in the next seven days. The next day (some people call it "tomorrow") is Tuesday. Tuesday at five in the morning is when I register for my classes next semester. That means I'm rolling out of bed at 4:30 to make sure everything is in order and I'll constantly be refreshing the page to make sure all my options still have room in them (because a few are cutting it somewhat close). Most, I think, are good. But then, crisis, I need to be forced into a class. It's highly inconvenient but academic advisors are wizards with professors so we'll see what we can do. But if my dream schedule works, I'll only have one class on Friday and it ends at 12:20--which is kind of epic.

Next week, on Monday at 3pm, I will be officially done with my first semester of classes in college. That Wednesday I'll be home in a big, non-lofted bed with real water pressure in my shower and vegetables in the kitchen and a walk-in pantry and recliners. I'm a little excited. The family time will be so refreshing after only dealing with college students for 4 months. Sometimes, a girl just needs her mama.

Next month I'll have been a bridesmaid in a wedding (nuts!) and will be going to Maryland to hang out with my cousin in this awesome Christian fellowship that she's in. It'll be my first time to fly alone, so I'm a little scared (don't judge me...I've flown to Africa but I've never flown alone) but mostly really excited. However, Maryland is north of, say, Oklahoma, and will therefore be very cold. I'm a Texas girl. I don't do cold. Haley is definitely worth braving the weather, though.

Next semester is so dang close. I can't believe I'm halfway done with my first year of college! It promises to hold more friendships, more opportunities, more experiences, and more lessons. I know that the Lord is going ahead of me and has a perfect, flawless plan. And, though I know it'll be tough at times, I can't wait to see it continue to unfold.