Another hit, another lesson

So, I've applied to 3 summer camps to be a counselor for. Sky Ranch, Pine Cove, and Laity Lodge. I've been rejected from Sky already and probably won't get the Pine Cove one because my interview just felt about average and I know that the interview is pretty important. I won't hear back from Laity Lodge until around March and haven't interviewed with them yet.

When I got my Sky letter of rejection, I sat in my friend's room and sobbed. To say I wanted to work there badly was an understatement. And that letter was just another one to add to my growing pile of rejections.

I'm just so sick of it. Of all the leadership positions, scholarships, and other various applications I've filled out, I can think of 3 that I've gotten: A&M, my church scholarship, and my church leadership team (which doesn't reject anyone). I'm tired of being average among a sea of exceptional. I'm weary of people getting what I want. It's so tired and so old. Why can't I be like my friends who seemingly get everything? What's wrong with me? Or, a darker question, what isn't wrong with me? Because it doesn't feel like I've got a lot going for me sometimes.

I've been asking God why He takes so many opportunities away from me, including the ones to glorify Him, like being a counselor at a Christian camp. I've been mad and annoyed at Him over it, wondering what the issue is. Why, for once, can't something go how I want it to?

But I'm slowly coming to realize that it isn't me. I'm not a problem. There's just something else I'm supposed to be doing. God's just different plans for me that don't involve Sky Ranch. They might involve Pine Cove or Laity Lodge. I don't know. Maybe I was relying on myself to get Sky Ranch. Whatever the reason, I'm not supposed to be there. All the rejection I've experienced has been God guiding me where I'm supposed to go. I was supposed to go to A&M, though my grades in high school didn't guarantee that I'd get in. That was such a God thing and I've found 4 fantastic best friends, closer to me than any I've ever had and who challenge me in my faith.

I'm broken, yes. And I'm being taught that I'm not as plain as I see myself, but my self-image still needs work. I'm far from average in most aspects of my life, but it's hard for me to see that a lot of times when I have friends who I think are prettier, smarter, more coordinated, or more personable than I am. Jealousy can eat at me. I pick at my faults constantly. I'm insecure on a deep level but have people who love me enough to look me in the eye and honestly say, "You are beautiful and exactly how you're supposed to be." At my worst, though, I have a hard time believing it.

I'm made in the image of God, who is flawless and stunningly beautiful. He's perfection. Yet He has been, is, and will be rejected. But that doesn't make Him any less perfect or lovely. Just like when I'm told a striking "no" it doesn't mean I'm not good enough.

I will still be hurt if I'm rejected from either of these camps and I'll probably still sink right back into my painful feelings of being unwanted. But the fact of the matter is that I'm loved regardless of what happens to me or what I do (or can't do). No one can tell me who I am because I am defined by the Lord. No one is over His authority.

Rejection hurts. Christ heals. Which do you think overrides the other?

Trust me, I'm preaching to myself more than anyone else on this one.