Today, I realized that I don't like romance novels (it can have romance, but it can't be the central focus), romance movies (unless their comedies), sweet talking (in a romantic setting), or the guy being intensely romantic in any way, shape, or form. I deduced that something is very wrong with me and that I will never fall in love based on these facts. But then I considered that I love it when a guy takes time out to talk to me, even if I don't "like" him. It makes my day when someone tells me I look cute. I want to fall in love and be loved and doted on and taken care of. So does the first part of this match the second? Not really. But somehow all of this is combined into one very confused person: moi.
Now you have some understanding of my angst. I know that a lot of the statements in the following list are intense exaggerations and are not true, but this is me at my very worst pessimism and just being exceedingly negative. And only a few have to do with my love life.
The following statements will all begin with the phrase "Most likely to succeed at..."
Never having anyone fall in love with me
Never falling in love with anyone
Never having someone tell me I'm absolutely beautiful
Never slow dance with someone in the back of a pick-up truck to Tim McGraw
Tripping at graduation
Breaking a bone because I tripped
Breaking a bone because I tripped at graduation
Getting lost. Anywhere.
Having a zit when I'm 40 years old
Being an old maid
Never having a book on the market
Having a book on the market but it never get off the shelf
Being the crazy old writer woman with pet fish because I don't like hair all over the place so I couldn't have a dog and I don't like cats
Making a strange noise at least ten times a day
Forgetting I have skype open
Getting freaked out by nothing
Cowering in the corner during a scary movie
Gaining the freshman 15. And the sophomore 15. And the junior 15. And the senior 15. For a combined total of the college 60.
Losing the "most likely to succeed" award.
I promise, CHS, I want that award--don't get me wrong. But this is just me being...insecure. And I don't know how else to express myself besides writing. I'm inherently insecure. It's a disease that has had temporary remedies for me. But, as the name suggests, they never last. I always slip back into not feeling like I'm a beautiful child of the Lord. Trust me, it's not fun.
Please don't think that I'm mocking the award or anything ridiculous. Like I said, I have those moments where I beat myself down. Just like everyone else does. I want to win the award more than I'd be willing to admit. But being put against two other girls who are going to be amazingly successful is nerve-wracking and brings the worst of me to my attention.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." --Isaiah 41:10
"Oh no, You never let go; through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go. Lord, you never let go of me." --Never Let Go (Matt Redman)
"The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace." --Forever Reign (Shane and Shane)
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