Never have I felt so vulnerable.

I'm confused. On a scale of one to ten, I'm an eleven on the "what the heck is going on?" scale. And I'm not confused about my math homework, or my English homework, or my government homework, or my elective homework. I'm intensely confused by...me.

This will mark the second day in a row where I've been in an awful mood. Bitter, angry, overly sarcastic, moody, weepy, pathetic, confused, overwhelmed. And the bad part, the part that's got me yanking my hair out at the roots, is that I have no reason to be feeling any of these frighteningly strong emotions.

My sweet friend Meredith tried to help me figure it out tonight but we came to no conclusion. Here was our list of possible reasons why I'm not being myself:

1. Prom problems? Nope. Got my date, my dress, and my group. And am happy with all three.

2. College? Nope. Got my room mate, my dorm request, my class sign-up days chosen, hope for the future, faith, and a load of A&M paraphernalia.

3. Boys in general? Not really. Boys are a non-issue right now.

4. Friends? No drama to speak of. Or to not speak of.

5. Books? Movies? Media of any type? No again.

6. School? I have a lot, but it's under control. I'm not worried.

7. Lack of sleep? Eh, it's a possibility. A slim one.

8. Any other personal problems? Other than the fact that I'm not being me, none.

So what's wrong with me? I don't have an answer. So right now, I'm sitting at my computer, near tears, because I've been snappy and a jerk for absolutely no reason and I don't know how to stop. It's like any filter I've had is gone and my emotions are suddenly going nuts. It's like I've been replaced by some crazy, hormonal, obnoxiously mean girl. In the worst way possible.

For example. Last night at church, I suddenly had no desire to be at our Wednesday night activities. I was the most tempted I've ever been to just grab my keys and walk out. So during the youth service, I didn't sing, I completely picked apart everything in the talk that I could, and sat with a stoney face. Can I just reiterate the fact that the above description is the total opposite of me? I sing loudly during worship time, I pay avid attention to the talk even if I disagree with it, and I'm always, always, an encouraging audience member (nodding, watching the speaker, not giving him death glares, etc). I can't remember the last time I was outwardly rude to someone in authority.

So then after the session, I grabbed my friend Holly and went into a room away from everyone else, and I promptly started sobbing. I blamed it on the fact that college was freaking me out, but I know for a fact that it wasn't going away that had me bawling. I don't know what happened. One minute I was just being a drama queen and then the next I'm crying my guts out.

Um what? I'm an emotional person, so I cry a lot. But I always have some reason to. This time...I just started to cry. No reason. It just happened. Same with the anger. I get mad at petty things, but get over them fast. But the anger just kept coming. It was like a hurricane. It was like a nightmare.

I went home and put on a happy face and was the stud actress that I've become lately. The "Yeah, I have it all together. Don't even worry about it." girl that everyone thinks I am.

And it happened again tonight! I wasn't me! I snapped at a friend and was horribly brutal about what I thought about a certain topic. And the worst part? I didn't feel bad. I don't know if I do even now. The sick part of my brain that is infecting the rest of my body is saying, "She needed to hear that. Don't feel bad about it." And this is one infection that I can't fight off.

Something is really wrong with me. And I really, really want to take this to God, but I want to know what's wrong first. Which is backwards and stupid and if I keep doing this I'll end up acting like this old hag for the rest of my life.

I can't let it go and it's eating me alive.

I'm drowning. I'm bleeding. I'm running out of strength.

I can't yell for help. I can't run anymore.

So where do I go from here?