BEM Day 21: Strangely stoic?

I cry easily. Music, books, movies, other people who are crying...they get to me. I don't bawl my eyes out, but tears definitely come and my nose gets all red and my eyes get bloodshot.

I also don't like change. Yes, it's absolutely necessary, but I'm a creature of comfort and familiarity. Once I've got a schedule, I like to stick to it. I'd be the world's easiest victim for an agent who was spying on me because I do almost the same thing every day because it's comforting and familiar and safe. Change freaks me out. And what do I do when I get really freaked out?

Cry, naturally.

College is a huge change. The bubble I've lived in for fifteen years is about to be popped in three short months. I'm about to be thrust into an environment that is completely foreign to me. I'll be leaving a large portion of my friends and all my family. I'll be saying good-bye to the streets that I've become so familiar with and have to memorize a whole new layout of a city that I've only ever been to twice.

It's change.

I don't like change.

So why am I so relaxed about it? Why have I not been crying my guts out about leaving everything I've ever known? Why am I not panicked about leaving my friends? Why am I not dreading leaving the safeness of my house and family?

I have no idea. 


Every fiber of me is saying that something is wrong. Something inside of me is messed up because I've only shed a handful of tears so far about leaving.

Today was the big send-off for the senior class of 2011 at my church. We were prayed over twice (in both services) and I only cried at the end of the second service. The sick part? I tried to make myself cry because I thought it was the right thing to do. I felt like I should be crying and not just sitting there. My friend was crying next to me. So why wasn't I? That's so unlike me.

But here's a scary thought: What if I'm actually ready?

What if I'm totally ready emotionally to go to college and be three hours away from everything that I have now?

It seems unlikely. But then again...


I am...

Listening to: "Carolina" by Matt Wertz
Looking forward to: The Rangers game tomorrow! Claws and antlers!!!
Procrastinating: Thank you cards...I already took a shower
Thinking about: How confused I am by my own brain
Wondering: Am I actually ready for college?
Reflecting over: God's plan