BEM Day 4. Let it fly.

Ever have those dreams where you feel like you're flying and then, all of a sudden, you just fall? And right when you hit the ground, your whole body practically convulses and your eyes fly open and your heart is pounding and you're sweating and then you're grossed out by your sweat and freaked out by the fact that your dream self just died.

Maybe that's just me, but I have those dreams kind of a lot. Probably once a month. Yeah yeah, in one falling dream per thirty sleeps is a pretty good record, but it's the unexpectedness that scares you. The jolt that brings you back to consciousness.

The part that annoys me, though, is not the fact that I'm from "falling". It's the fact that I don't know what I was doing before I fell, other than flying. So here's my wannabe dream. Here's what I want to have happen before the startling self-wakeup:


It's effortless.

Purely effortless.

A gentle but constant wind blows on your face as you carve out your own space in the sky, flying like you've been flying for years.

In reality, this is the first time you've ever taken on the air like this. You've skipped and hopped before, getting no more than six feet off the ground before you get pushed around by the wind or lose your stamina or, the worst, get scared.

But today, you decided that it was now or never.

You aren't exactly sure what made you make this decision. Maybe it's because you just want to prove to yourself that you can fight the wind and beat it. Maybe because you've been working out and want to test out your new strength in a real way (flying will do that). Maybe it's to conquer the fear that constantly lurks in the back of your mind.

You start to run, getting ready for take off. You are literally seconds from leaping into the air when you hear the doubts start taking over your mind.

You will fail it whispers in a ghostly voice. You will crash and burn. And no one will care.


Shaking your head, you try to get a song stuck in your head or recall a conversation...anything to get the voice to leave. But nothing is working.

Don't even try. You'll look like a fool.


Gritting your teeth, you try to block it out.

Failure it hisses. Weak, fearful, incapable.

The words cut like daggers and you trip over your own foot, looking like an idiot, and fall on your face. The voice was right--you do look like a fool with dirt all over your face. But you refuse to let this figment of your own imagination ruin this. You are determined. You will fly.

Getting back on your feet, you look ahead. You hadn't noticed this before, but you're on a dirt road somewhere in west Texas. It's one of those old state highways, the ones that just go straight for miles upon miles. It's the perfect liftoff place.

You start to run again. The song "Burn Out Bright" (by Switchfoot) is in your head now. It pumps you up, gets you excited and ready. Your legs are pumping under you and you feel like the ground is propelling you along, like it wants you to get airborne. You give one mighty leap and spread your arms out to the side like bird wings.

And just like that, you start to fly.

To get higher, you tilt your body at an angle and pull your arms to your sides. You're rocketing into the air. You feel invincible.

Who is the failure now? You think snidely and smile to yourself.

Deciding that you were high enough, you start to level out. The land squares of west Texas are visible and you really are flying. It's as easy as breathing. You feel free. Life is easier up in the sky. Closing your eyes, you feel peaceful and strong, like you could live in this moment forever and be happy. The sun warms your back and the wind pulls through your hair and tickles your outstretched arms.

Everything is right.


That's how I wish my dreams ended. There isn't that feeling of "Oh my gosh I almost just died" and the jolt is nonexistent. When you wake up from those, you know that you are very much alive because your heart is pounding so hard. But flying is being alive too.

Why can't we feel that alive instead of the scary alive?

But what do you think is more accurate to true life?


I am...

Listening to: "The Beat" by Ben Rector and then "Gravity" by John Mayer (the song changed)
Looking forward to: Getting in bed at a semi-reasonable hour
Procrastinating: Nothing. I don't have anything else to be doing (besides sleeping, but that doesn't count)
Thinking about: How I'm so intensely glad that tomorrow is Friday
Wondering: If I'm going to get an interview for a scholarship I applied for.
Reflecting over: The song "Gravity". John Mayer speaks to my soul.